If there’s one thing a strugging hockey team can be counted on, it’s a chorus of “we just need to get on a roadtrip so we can do some team bonding to get us all on the same page”. We’re not hockey players, so we don’t understand why “getting everyone on the same page” can’t be accomplished in, we don’t know… practice. We are, however, crack reporters. So we do know exactly what team bonding the Devils are up to on this long road trip.
Day One: The boys head over to San Jose’s hottest karaoke bar where Hedberg is encouraged to take the stage first. He cues up “Dancing Queen”, and proceeds to put on a worse performance than Roseanne Barr singing the National Anthem. The audience predictably and understandably boos lustily. Langer grows inexplicably upset; “He deserves better, people,” he shouts at the crowd. “Don’t boo him — he’s trying.” The crowd rolls its eyes. Langer then takes the mic and launches into “When A Man Loves A Woman”… only he doesn’t bother actually singing any of the words. The crowd boos more. The remaining players get on the same page by agreeing to leave the karaoke bar immediately, because all this booing is hurting their feelings.
Day Two: Marty insists that the team should engage in an activity he has been historically great at — bowling. The boys all eagerly line up to hop on the team bus, but John MacLean, without warning, informs Kovalchuk, who had no fewer than 15 perfect games under his belt during his tenure in Atlanta, that he’s not welcome on this particular trip. When the bus driver asks why Johnny Mac just made his star bowler stay at the hotel, Johnny just snarls, “He knows what he did.” The remaining players power through their bafflement and continue on to Anaheim’s finest laser bowling joint. They figure it’ll still be a great outing without Kovalchuk’s rolling prowess, because they still have Marty to knock down a ton of strikes. Except Marty suddenly appears to not know how to bowl anymore.
Day Three: With some time to kill in the morning before gametime, the team bus heads over to Disneyland, a trip that has historically been reliably cheap, satisfying Lou while still being fun for the players. Except things go horribly awry… now that most of the boys are tall enough to ride the rides. Lou spends the morning cursing the day he ever let Gionta and Rafalski leave.
Day Four: Patrik Elias leads the team on a walking tour of the Hollywood Walk of Fame. Hank Tallinder wonders later what everyone was talking about. He’s a little bit abashed (but not a lot) later when told he was supposed to be looking at the sidewalk, not the sky. After the Walk of Fame tour, Zach picks up a Star Homes map and insists the team bus make some celebrity stops. Sadly, Kovalchuk doesn’t get to go, because MacLean wordlessly orders him off the bus before they set out.
Day Five: Langer gleefully toasts the previous night’s Kovalchukless flight from LA to Vancouver with a champagne brunch in the team hotel. The boys spend the rest of the day lolling around the hotel spa, waiting for Kovalchuk’s Greyhound to arrive. They make a game of it, trying to guess why MacLean kicked him off the flight.
Day Six: In a repeat of a Vancouver-area team-bonding trip from two years ago (which, incidentally, did not lead to the team winning a Stanley Cup) (or even a playoff round), the team heads back out to a neighborhood curling rink. The team of Zach, Travis, Zubrus, and Taormina goes out to an early lead, and is looking to easily beat the team of Langer, Arnott, Egg Pelley, and Vasyunov (Kovalchuk is asked to leave the rink for wearing inappropriate curling slippers by a rink attendant who looks suspiciously like John MacLean). Langer then decides he will be replacing Zubrus on the other team, causing them to lose their lead and then the match. Taormina learns an important lesson about “playing the Devils way”. “ZZ Pops,” Langer gruffly says to the kid on his way out to a “curling winners only” celebration at a hot nightspot, “That’s what gets us where we’re going. All ZZ Pops.”
Day Seven: Travis requests that team revisit one of his favorite activities — cake baking. MacLean just goes to the nearest grocery store and buys a cake. Travis spends the rest of the day trying not to cry.
MacLean just goes to the nearest grocery store and buys a cake. Travis spends the rest of the day trying not to cry.
:^:::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::: I’d freaking cry too! Devils cake making is my favorite thing ever!
I’d concider myself a shitty Sabres fan for not realizing until just now that they’re playing because the game’s on Versus. But let’s face it. The Sabres have forgotten about me plenty of times.
But let’s face it. The Sabres have forgotten about me plenty of times.
:^::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::: Also, Versus forgets about us a lot. So it’s sort of a double-whammy.
The Sabres have forgotten about me plenty of times.
:^::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::: Congratulations on getting Center Ice, by the way!
WOOOOOOOOO! Go Trannies! Avenge the Devils’ loss this past weekend! (Um, I’m sure there are a TON of people out there looking to the Flyers to avenge the Devils. :P)
Congratulations on getting Center Ice, by the way!
Thank you! It’s an odd feeling to be excited about a Ducks/Stars game that I normally wouldn’t care too much about but that I now plan on watching just. because. I can.
It’s waaaaaay too hard to go from RJ to Versus announcers. These guys don’t get nearly as excited over face off wins as they should.
I’m sure there are a TON of people out there looking to the Flyers to avenge the Devils.
*crickets*
but that I now plan on watching just. because. I can.
EXACTLY! Also, I’m very excited about the Ducks/Stars game because Getzi’s in it. But “just. because. I can” is almost as good as Getzi. (This is the best time of year to have Center Ice, when all the hockey still has that new season smell.)
These guys don’t get nearly as excited over face off wins as they should.
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One thing I wonder is when is Canada going to get their shit together and put this stuff in HD? Or are they afraid putting Luke Schenn in HD will cause waaaay too many immaculate conceptions?
Thanks, guys. Now I laugh everytime Bob Loblaw makes a save.
We’re not going to sit here and talk nonsense with Bob Loblaw.
Now I laugh everytime Bob Loblaw makes a save.
Don’t thank me! It’s not my fault his name is Bobloblawski!
And Canada seems to be TERRIFIED of HD, or something. It makes no sense to me.
There’s actually a Bob Loblaw Law Blog, but the dude hasn’t written since 2008. Don’t waste a good blog name if you’re not going to keep you blog is what I say!
It was nice of Timmy to throw that troll at Miller. Fuckin Fuckers.
Speaking of good blog names, my dad has a Murphy’s Law poster in his room and I just noticed there are a few lines (the first which I forgot) that go “Unbreakable parts, will. Interchangeable parts, won’t.”
“Unbreakable parts, will. Interchangeable parts, won’t.”
:^:::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::: Damn straight!
It was nice of Timmy to throw that troll at Miller. Fuckin Fuckers.
He’s been learning well from his teammates with the Cymballs.
“Unbreakable parts, will. Interchangeable parts, won’t.”
:^:::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::: I think I should be insulted by that. Except it’s right. I really won’t.
Waterproof!! It’s “Waterproof parts, aren’t. Unbreakable parts, will. Interchangeable parts, won’t.” Heh. Who needs short term memory with the internet?
Oh what the fucking fuck? Fuck this fucking fuckness. I’m going back to the damn Leafs.
At least now we know the Sabres don’t just lose at HSBC.
Eh. Nevermind. Phaneuf is back up to 100 minutes and Komi is back down to 4. What’s that, Center Ice? Yotes/Sens? Yes please!
Oh what the fucking fuck? Fuck this fucking fuckness. I’m going back to the damn Leafs.
That’s the best part about Center Ice.
Oh what the fucking fuck? Fuck this fucking fuckness. I’m going back to the damn Leafs.
Eh. Nevermind. Phaneuf is back up to 100 minutes and Komi is back down to 4. What’s that, Center Ice? Yotes/Sens? Yes please!
See? This is why I don’t understand how people live without Center Ice. I mean, why bother suffering when there’s more hockey just a little further up the dial?
I’m looking at the Center Ice guide singing “How do I Live Without You”. (The LeAnn Rimes version)
Or are they afraid putting Luke Schenn in HD will cause waaaay too many immaculate conceptions?
Obviously. Or, as Staffy would say, and quite appropriately, hotviously.
Also, what the FUCK, Sabres?!?!?!?@!@#?!@?!@# $?kj
Scott Clemmensen’s losing. I thought you guys might like that. :)
Scott Clemmensen’s losing. I thought you guys might like that. :)
That’s GREAT news!
Obviously. Or, as Staffy would say, and quite appropriately, hotviously.
I honestly hope Staffy becomes a broadcaster when he retires. He’s just the right amount of frat boy and snarky.
Also, what the FUCK, Sabres?!?!?!?@!@#?!@?!@# $?kj
Word. Motherfuckingword.
Hah!!! I like how Kari Lehtonan being awesome is balancing out Khabibulin being absolutely godawful to give Mcguggs the illusion of one fairly respectable goalie.
Staffy is such an ass. I love him. I… think there’s something wrong with me.
One of the goals Toronto scored should clearly have been taken away because it was BLATANT goalie interference, but I just laughed cause it’s Clemmensen. And Komisarek is the second star of the game. That sexy bitch. (I know it’s sad that I’d rather watch a Leafs game, but I love watching the Revenge of Clarke MacArthur.)
Hmmm. I guess Khabi’s stats just look bad because it’s so early. Never mind….
I like how Kari Lehtonan being awesome is balancing out Khabibulin being absolutely godawful to give Mcguggs the illusion of one fairly respectable goalie.
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The sad thing is, Khabibulin has been an improvement to Turco who Yahoo autodrafted for me TWO YEARS IN A ROW.
Woah. The Sabres DO know how to score. Weird.
Whatever. Too little, too late. Unless it’s not too little. Better scores again in 20 seconds, dudes.
Whatever. Too little, too late. Unless it’s not too little. Better score again in 20 seconds, dudes.
Heh, I think I remember that right after you waived Turco he posted a shutout (or near shutout). I figured it was his way of giving you the finger.
I know it’s sad that I’d rather watch a Leafs game
There’s nothing sad about dirty, dirty hockey love. I mean, I’ve preferred the Flyers to the Devils for the last two and a half years! And there’s nothing wrong with me, right? Right??
Heh, I think I remember that right after you waived Turco he posted a shutout (or near shutout). I figured it was his way of giving you the finger.
Turco playing goal is one big finger to humanity. (I have a lot of built up rage from Turco destroying my Fire Clowns last year that I couldn’t voice because poor Patty and Myra had to deal with him in real life.)
I mean, I’ve preferred the Flyers to the Devils for the last two and a half years! And there’s nothing wrong with me, right? Right??
… You are trying to comfort me right?…
(kidding, kidding)
Heh. Sabres scored again.
Where Hope Is Always A Healthy Scratch
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Heh heh. Thanks for noticing that, mcguggs. Pookie’s a genius. :D
… You are trying to comfort me right?…
:^:::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::
I have got to stop drinking fizzy drinks when reading the header. :D
Now I want to make the header simply “Won’t.”
NOW you want to waive off a goal, eh?!?#?WER>?rgvf
(That got a little out of hand. Whoops.)
Now I want to make the header simply “Won’t.”
:^:::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::
Now I want to make the header simply “Won’t.”
:^:::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::
Now I want to make the header simply “Won’t.”
HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA! You’re too clever by half!
Wooo Hooo!!! A DeadlEE just scored!!! *pause* On a DealEE goalie.
And now Pornstache Parros just scored on my DeadlEE goalie. I need new goalies.
Sorry about that Parros goal, Stars fans! That’s a bad one. Sheesh!
Dude, seriously. I resent that the DeadlEEs are leading the Pieces 3-9 on the strength of THOSE stats, just because none of my goalies have deigned to play yet this week.
I resent that the DeadlEEs are leading the Pieces 3-9 on the strength of THOSE stats, just because none of my goalies have deigned to play yet this week.
Oh come on. You think the only reason I’m beating you with my .781 SV% and 6.2 GAA is because you’re goalies aren’t playing? Pssshhaw.
heh heh.
I should have turned the game off after that Parros goal. That’s pretty much going to be the symbol of our season. I have a feeling.
(I have a lot of built up rage from Turco destroying my Fire Clowns last year that I couldn’t voice because poor Patty and Myra had to deal with him in real life.)
That’s so sweet of you!
(I have a lot of built up rage from Turco destroying my Fire Clowns last year that I couldn’t voice because poor Patty and Myra had to deal with him in real life.)
Yeah. At least it was your fantasy team. Sigh.
I’m gonna have nightmares about that Parros goal.
At least you got rid of Turco in real life. Yahoo auto-draft thinks we’re destined for each other. (I dumped him for Khabibulin, but I’ve now seen that the only stat I can beat Kathleen on this week is “Starts” so I picked up Turco for tomorrow night.)
Sorry about the loss tonight! That Parros goal was gross.
Dear Mason Raymond,
You are by far my most useless playermeat. And that’s counting Dan Hamhuis, whose status right now is listed as “Definately Totally Dead.”
(And btw Mike is ohsoright about Colorado announcers.)
And that’s counting Dan Hamhuis, whose status right now is listed as “Definately Totally Dead.”
:^:::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::: I’m curious to see what abbreviations Yahoo uses when Khabby goes to jail. For some reason “NA” just doesn’t seem to cover it.
I’m now watching the second period of the Leafs game that I missed for that clusterfuck Sabres game. There was a close up of Komi that I would have missed. He looked right (at the camera) at me. The Sabres are so lucky there are second showings.
Hmmm. #21 responds well to negative reinforcement. Making a note.
Excellent post, ladies.
MacLean just goes to the nearest grocery store and buys a cake.
The man learned from his predecessors. Why eat a cake that tastes like ass when you can have a deliciously baked cake from the bakery? (Sorry, Travis.)
Why eat a cake that tastes like ass when you can have a deliciously baked cake from the bakery?
:^:::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::: If he’d really learned from his predecessors, he wouldn’t have bothered with a cake at all, because whether it’s delicious or assy, you’re still stuck eating it with the Devils. :P
And good morning, everybody! I am SO tired today. That’s my story.
:^:::::::::::::::::::::: The post
:^:::::::::::::::::::::: The thread.
I am SO tired today. That’s my story.
I’m having a fight with my accounting book. They used two different methods of rounding off in ONE exercise, so my answer came out wrong no matter what I did. Inconsistent bastards.
Hmm, there was supposed to be a “*hands over a pillow*” after that italicised bit. Right-o.
Aw, thanks for the invisible pillow, Mags!
And what is UO with your accounting book? That’s bonkers! (Speaking of accounting, I just got an email from my accountant suggesting that their office had neglected to send me a bill from my audit this past spring. It turns out that audits are considerably more expensive than I thought. Sigh.)
The audience predictably and understandably boos lustily. Langer grows inexplicably upset; “He deserves better, people,” he shouts at the crowd. “Don’t boo him — he’s trying.” The crowd rolls its eyes.
Except Marty suddenly appears to not know how to bowl anymore.
As usual, you guys knock it out of the park. Well done!
Thanks, Pam!
I think I have Langer fatigue, by the way, because I was really surprised at my lack of outrage about him bitching about Hedberg being booed on Saturday. It’s SUCH an idiotic and annoying thing to say, and man, what I would GIVE to have a captain whose m.o. is not to remark after EVERY bad game that the fans are letting the team down, but still, there I was being all “::shrug::”.
It turns out that audits are considerably more expensive than I thought. Sigh.
Yeah, I discovered that what I thought an accountant made is significantly under what they make in reality. I also found out what it costs to become an accountant. Holy smokes.
I’m very grumpy. There are a multitude of inconsistencies on the answer sheets that are really, really fucking with my attempts to study.
And the Devils suck. Sucky sucking suckers.
*grumpgrouchhuff* And that’s my story.
Schnookie, I was there on Saturday:
When he came in, it was “MOOOOOOOOOSE”
And when he left, it was “BOOOOOOOOOOOO”
I didn’t know about Langer bitching about it, but I’m not surprised. Fuck you, Jamie. The Moose sucks.
Yeah, I discovered that what I thought an accountant made is significantly under what they make in reality. I also found out what it costs to become an accountant. Holy smokes.
:^:::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::: So there’s some trade-off there, is what you’re saying? :D
And I’m so sorry your life is so grumpiness-inducing! It shouldn’t be like this! I’m feeling all holiday-spirity lately, because we’re cranking into high gear making holiday crafts at stately IPB Manor (since you have to get them going early to have them done for December). And last night I ordered pre-crushed peppermint candy from Baker’s Catalog to use in holiday cookie baking. And it’s all gray and rainy and fall foliage-y here (although it’s also really strangely warm out, but we overlook that), so it truly is the most wonderful time of the year! AND it’s already Wednesday! Now that I think about it, why was I complaining about my audit bill? Life is GRAND*!
*Although the Devils remain sucky sucking suckers. There’s no denying that.
I didn’t know about Langer bitching about it, but I’m not surprised. Fuck you, Jamie. The Moose sucks.
:^:::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::: It was the same old quotes from Langer, about how disappointing it is that the fans voice their displeasure when the team is crapping the bed. You’d think at this point he’d realize that we DO actually notice when the team has visible stink lines coming off of it, and we WILL complain. Gee, Jamie… maybe you could try NOT STINKING?
So there’s some trade-off there, is what you’re saying? :D
Just maybe. My university education has taught me that establishing causality is nearly impossible, but I’d certainly suggest there is a strong connection between the two things.
I think I might hate Jamie most of all of them. I’m so not sorry he’s my lightning rod of hate.
Gee, Jamie… maybe you could try NOT STINKING?
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I can live with a hard fought game that results in a loss. But when they come out and just “go through the motions”, that drives me mad.
My ticket costs the same amount whether they feel like playing or not. And it aint cheap!
I’ve been really sour on Langer since he cried like a little girl because he was scratched for rest last year.
I think I might hate Jamie most of all of them. I’m so not sorry he’s my lightning rod of hate.
He is DEFINITELY at the top of my list of least favorites too. GAH! He makes Rolston look competent by comparison! And Rolston’s the worst hockey player alive!
:^:::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::: to everything.
I must say my favourite blog title was always that of the People for the Ethical Treatment of Animals: The PETA Files.
I don’t understand people booing The Moose. Have they not heard of him before? His greatest highlight was getting his jersey stuck over his mask all by himself.
I’m always under the impression that Hedberg is a really good goalie. This is a direct reflection on how the Sabres play against him.
So…what’s going on in hockey-land?
Uhhh… we’re watching ANTM right now. Hockey-land starts late for us tonight because the Devils don’t start until our bedtime. :P
(I’ll go put up a new post for tonight.)