Sandra Lee Calls Crushed Red Pepper Flakes "Cheap, Intense Flavor", A Phrase That Also Describes Sestito Puente Perfectly

Remember last year when we exposed the true, shocking story of Sestito Puente’s sordid past as a pepper smuggler on the rough Canada/US border? Well, you had to know that we’d pursue that story to its absolute farthest conclusion — growing and eating Sestito Puente cayenne peppers.

We planted our cayennes last winter with the notion percolating in our heads that we’d take lots of pictures of them as they grew, to be able to document the entire process for our Gentle Readers. Then we neglected to take a single picture of our Sestito crop. Not even one. Not when they sprouted, not when they turned from seedlings into plants, not when they were transplanted into the garden, not when they turned into waist-high bushes, not when they got elegant white flowers on them, not when the flowers budded into tiny green cayenne peppers, and not when the cayennes grew and ripened into 10-inch long, fire-engine red hot peppers. Because we’re lame. This is what it kind of looked like, though:

Sestito Puente would spit on these ordinary jalapenos. He would never stoop so low as to carry these seeds over international borders.

Every Devils fan knows that Sestitos (if that’s what these peppers are, which they’re not) are slow developers.

Sestito flowers are far, far prettier than the hideous flowers of lesser peppers. You’ll have to take our word for it.

Sestito dreams big dreams of someday being able to be on one of those NHL Network commercials where the “sweat beads” are sprayed on the outside of his helmet.

Sestito doesn’t know what we think we’re doing with this jalapeno shit. Real Sestito peppers will kick your ass. There’s no Sestito Popper, man.

So, the entire lifecycle of our Sestito Puente cayennes came and went, and then we set our harvest of beautiful red hot peppers to dry on a tray in our counter. Finally, this week, the time came to make something of them.

Behold the bounty of Sestito!

Schnookie has a long history of handling, crushing and grinding hot peppers, so she slapped on some rubber gloves and crushed a sample pepper. It didn’t seem too violent, so she just dug into the rest. Big mistake. Sestito Puente might look harmless, but he’s anything but. Oh, the sneezing! The coughing! The screaming, burning pain in the mucous membranes! Sestito Puente should be weaponized.

An actual, homegrown Sestito Foodstuff.

As an airborne element Sestito Puente cayenne peppers pack a mighty wallop, but how do they taste? We conducted a “pepper flake directly on the tongue, unadorned” taste test pitting Sestitos against Penzeys Spices medium-hot crushed red pepper flakes, and the results were stunning. The Penzey’s flakes were fruity and mild, with a nice, warm, balanced kick. Sestito Puente’s flakes? Take no prisoners. They’re insanely potent, rocket hot, and pretty much the zestiest thing going. Just like Sestito Puente the man.

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