Wherein We Break Out Excel And Bird Entrails

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Wherein We Break Out Excel And Bird Entrails

February 23, 2011 by Pookie

Gentle Reader, you know by now that we are not glass-half-full people. In fact, most of the time, we’re “the glass is bone-dry in the cupboard it’s so not half-full” people. But desperate times call for desperate measures — particularly desperately hopeful times. The Devils have clawed their way up to 9 points out after being — let’s see… carry the one… — a million, billion points out two months ago. How can we not be hopeful?! Jacques Lemaire practically came to the house and filled all our glasses more than halfway (and yes, that is Kool-Aid in those glasses, but what can we say? It tastes like winning)! So what are the desperately hopeful measures this crazy run as pushed us to, you ask? Thinking our socks are lucky? Nope. Scoreboard watching? Uh-uh. (Well, yes, actually, but that’s not important right now.) Try… Math! That’s right, math! These tra-la-la-la-feelingsbits-loving gals actually got out the schedules, revved up Excel, and crunched some numbers! Woo!

We dubbed the endeavor “Mission: Improbable”. Could the Devils possibly or probably actually make it into the 8th spot? Should we continue to believe? Were we being optimistic fools? The answer might surprise you!

Our methods included having Mats roll the dice…

… crunching numbers…

… and augering with Shreikyguts.

Our conclusion… It’s possible. Maaaybe. Get back to us on April 10th and we’ll let you know whether the ~~entrails~~ numbers lied or not. (Hint: they said no.) (We don’t want to believe them, though, so eff ‘em!)

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Posted in Bully Pulpit, Calling For The Old Guy's Head On A Plate, Devils, IPB's Can't-Miss Predictions, Sad | 59 Comments

59 Responses

on February 24, 2011 at 10:50 am KenF

you had me at Excel.
on February 24, 2011 at 11:22 am Pookie

KenF, :^::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::: The spreadsheet is a thing of beauty. I did conditional formatting in team colors to be able to quickly cross-reference when the key teams are playing each other. It’s gorgeous. Too bad it didn’t really tell me what I wanted to hear. :(
on February 24, 2011 at 11:37 am Amy

The fact that Mats pulled up an 87 on the calculator means the Devils are going to make a trade for Sid, right?
on February 24, 2011 at 11:40 am Mags

The fact that Mats pulled up an 87 on the calculator means the Devils are going to make a trade for Sid, right?

Definitely. Sid for Winky, straight up.
on February 24, 2011 at 11:54 am SueNJ97

The spreadsheet is a thing of beauty. I did conditional formatting in team colors to be able to quickly cross-reference when the key teams are playing each other. It’s gorgeous.

The Hockey/Excel gods should give NJ credit for your efforts.
on February 24, 2011 at 12:22 pm Mike in Idaho

I have tried to avoid getting my hopes up because I still think there are just too many teams to overtake and these idiot 3 point games make climbing the standings virtually impossible and yet I have a little hope. My over/under on regulation losses the Devils can afford for the whole rest of the season is 3.
on February 24, 2011 at 12:34 pm Pookie

I like it! Sid for Winky! Do it, Lou! Only, make it a healthy, non-concussed Sid, please!

The Hockey/Excel gods should give NJ credit for your efforts.

YEAH! They should!

Mike, I made the spreadsheet because I was losing hope based on the assumption that the teams ahead of us only play each other. It was reassuring to see some WC teams in the mix. But yeah, I find myself really, really, really wishing we could have ties again.
on February 24, 2011 at 1:39 pm mcguffers

A friend of mine from Pittsburgh mentioned on his Facebook status that the Penguins had traded for Kovalev but when I first read it, I thought it said “Kovalchuk”. I was all excited for you guys thinking, “Wow!! I wonder who the Devils got!!” but further research (re: reading with my contacts in) helped me realize my error.

I do love how the press always refers to Kovalev as “enigmatic.” If “enigmatic” means “only works when one feels like it” then I’m renaming my car.
on February 24, 2011 at 1:50 pm SueNJ97

I do love how the press always refers to Kovalev as “enigmatic.” If “enigmatic” means “only works when one feels like it” then I’m renaming my car.

“Enigmatic” does seem to be Russian for “only works when one feels like it”. But you do have to be careful about how you use it. I’ve been listening to Puck Daddy Radio and Greg mentioned that people used to call Richer “enigmatic”. And he was…we also didn’t realize he was clinically depressed. That doesn’t seem to be Kovalev’s issue.

I like the fact that the Pens gave up a conditional 7th for Kovalev. It’s a frigging 7th, for fuck’s sake. Ottawa couldn’t get them to give it w/out conditions?
on February 24, 2011 at 2:02 pm mcguffers

Ottawa couldn’t get them to give it w/out conditions?

Ottawa: “We could, but we don’t want people to start thinking we’re not d-bags.”
on February 24, 2011 at 2:05 pm Mags

I like the fact that the Pens gave up a conditional 7th for Kovalev. It’s a frigging 7th, for fuck’s sake.

I know! I read that and thought “what, the league threw that in because you can’t give a player away for free?”
on February 24, 2011 at 2:10 pm Amy

It’s a frigging 7th, for fuck’s sake.

Yea, but for every blind squirrel that makes a seventh round pick, sometimes you find a nut like Paul Gaustad. And I mean that in the best possible way.
on February 24, 2011 at 2:23 pm carolbrowne

Hey guys. I just read on the twitter that Crackerback (Sopel) got traded to the Habs! That’s just so…weird.

Euro Mats and Shriekyguts are AWESOME.
on February 24, 2011 at 2:32 pm Mags

Crackerback (Sopel) got traded to the Habs!

I can’t WAIT to read the ~~insufferable whining~~ blogpost his wife is going to write about that.
on February 24, 2011 at 3:35 pm Mike in Idaho

Fire and Ice says Hedberg is starting tomorrow, I wonder if Brodeur will be allowed to start Saturday. I’m glad he seems to be accepting his new role as backup :)
on February 24, 2011 at 3:36 pm Kathleen

I like it! Sid for Winky! Do it, Lou! Only, make it a healthy, non-concussed Sid, please!

I’d take an unhealthy, concussed Sid over Winky. And least Sid would just sit there quietly and not distract and disturb the other players by being, well, Winky.
on February 24, 2011 at 3:37 pm Pam

Nothing says “i love you” like breaking out Excel!
on February 24, 2011 at 3:40 pm Kathleen

I think the sad, mutilated cat toy should be the Devils new mascot – eviscerated, but not dead yet! ;p The colors are even right!
on February 24, 2011 at 3:49 pm KenF

i thinks that bird was probably killed by one of Rolston’s early season cant hit the broadside of a barn slapshots.
“just a little high there Rollie” said JMac.
*wink* said Rollie.
-thud- said bird.
on February 24, 2011 at 3:52 pm KenF

and i think you need to get Mats a friend, maybe a little toothless lego guy you can name Teddy.
on February 24, 2011 at 4:30 pm Pookie

“just a little high there Rollie” said JMac.
*wink* said Rollie.
-thud- said bird.

:^::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::

Teddy, eh? That sounds better than Evil Clemmer from a few years ago…

I think the sad, mutilated cat toy should be the Devils new mascot – eviscerated, but not dead yet!

HAHAHAHA! Totally. Hope is the mutilated cat toy that perches dead in my soul.
on February 24, 2011 at 5:19 pm Mike in Idaho

Hope is the mutilated cat toy that perches dead in my soul.

Beautiful. Just beautiful.
on February 24, 2011 at 8:06 pm Schnookie

My over/under on regulation losses the Devils can afford for the whole rest of the season is 3.

Hey! That’s pretty much what our Excel spreadsheet said! It… could happen, right? Sigh.

I like the fact that the Pens gave up a conditional 7th for Kovalev. It’s a frigging 7th, for fuck’s sake.

I know! I read that and thought “what, the league threw that in because you can’t give a player away for free?”

:^:::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::
::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::: To both of you!!
on February 24, 2011 at 8:31 pm Patty (in Dallas)

Excellent work on the Excel! If you send me your data, I’ll make a really pretty report out of it, with charts and graphs and everything. And, also send me several hundred dollars so I can buy a personal copy of Crystal Reports. :P

(Sounds like you probably already have all that covered, though.)

i thinks that bird was probably killed by one of Rolston’s early season cant hit the broadside of a barn slapshots.
“just a little high there Rollie” said JMac.
*wink* said Rollie.
-thud- said bird.

Actually LOL-ed on that one.
on February 24, 2011 at 8:38 pm Schnookie

And, also send me several hundred dollars so I can buy a personal copy of Crystal Reports.

::writes out check::

Wait, can you promise all the charts and graphs will have a different answer than the spreadsheet did?

Actually LOL-ed on that one.

So did I! I meant to say something and then got distracted by something shiny.

(That “something shiny” was the buttons available from Purl Soho. Oh, sweet, delicious, colorful buttons… Must. Not. Buy. Buttons…)
on February 24, 2011 at 8:43 pm Patty (in Dallas)

Dude, I can make a chart say whatever you want. :P
on February 24, 2011 at 8:48 pm Schnookie

Dude, I can make a chart say whatever you want.

:^:::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::: Make it say the Devils make the playoffs! PLEASE make it say that! I want nothing more than to have them qualify for the playoffs so I can hate them for losing in the first round again!
on February 24, 2011 at 8:55 pm Patty (in Dallas)

For that, I think I just need a pen and some paper. Screw the data!
on February 24, 2011 at 9:09 pm Schnookie

Wow! You’re good, Patty!
on February 24, 2011 at 9:10 pm Pookie

Patty, :^::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::
on February 24, 2011 at 9:11 pm Patty (in Dallas)

Tell that to Southwest Airlines! :P
on February 24, 2011 at 9:14 pm Schnookie

You just give me their contact number, Patty, and I’ll take care of it.
on February 24, 2011 at 9:18 pm Schnookie

I just looked at the other scores tonight — what’s going on in the Dallas game!?! :D
on February 24, 2011 at 9:22 pm Schnookie

Gah! Stupid Trannies! It’s the Islanders, for fuck’s sake. How hard is it to beat the Islanders???
on February 24, 2011 at 9:30 pm Kathleen

How hard is it to beat the Islanders???

Surprisingly harder than one might think, unforch.
on February 24, 2011 at 9:31 pm Patty (in Dallas)

I’m trying not to move. I don’t want to jinx the you-know-what. :P
on February 24, 2011 at 9:31 pm Kathleen

Woohoo! Go Stars! Stomp those Red Wings!!
on February 24, 2011 at 9:37 pm Myra's Hub (not in Dallas)

How hard is it to beat the Islanders???

They think they are the Devils, but they are only a cheap imitation. I think there’s a country song in there somewhere.

Dude, I can make a chart say whatever you want.

Patty,

Where are those charts and graphs showing the Stars are getting in the playoffs.
on February 24, 2011 at 9:44 pm Patty (in Dallas)

I’ll get right on that, Hub!
on February 24, 2011 at 9:52 pm Schnookie

They think they are the Devils, but they are only a cheap imitation. I think there’s a country song in there somewhere.

:^:::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::: Most definitely! (And the Trannies finally won, thank goodness. Yeesh.)
on February 24, 2011 at 10:06 pm Patty (in Dallas)

WOOOOOOOO!! Stars won! They’re never going to lose again!
on February 24, 2011 at 10:07 pm Myra's Hub (not in Dallas)

I’ll get right on that, Hub!

Patty,

Wow, You get on it and the Stars win. Your Awesome!!
on February 24, 2011 at 10:07 pm Schnookie

Way to go, Stars! We’re ALL making the playoffs!
on February 24, 2011 at 10:12 pm Myra's Hub (not in Dallas)

I’m not sure if Myra saw any of the game? Band concert for the Kid. I would like to see her reaction when she sees who scored the 3rd goal at the Joe.
on February 24, 2011 at 10:53 pm Myra

You should have seen my reaction when I turned on the game and it was 3-0 Stars! I scared Buddy (the dog), as usually. Then Razor totally jinxed poor Kari by talking about keeping a clean sheet and the stupid Red Wings scored. Lags scored an empty netter, so I guess he is good for something.

The Kid’s band concert was amazing. Seriously. Sorry you missed it Dave. Very impressive, even more so considering they are 7th & 8th graders.
on February 25, 2011 at 8:37 am Amy

I can make a chart say whatever you want.

I have a Dilbert cartoon hanging in my cubby that basically says that people believe information if it’s presented in a pie chart format. And sadly, I’m really starting to think that’s true.

They think they are the Devils, but they are only a cheap imitation. I think there’s a country song in there somewhere.

Heh, and if you play that song backwards, both teams get their star players back and are leading the conference.
on February 25, 2011 at 9:02 am Schnookie

people believe information if it’s presented in a pie chart format. And sadly, I’m really starting to think that’s true.

:^:::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::: That makes me think of the Daily Show schtick of just changing the graphics on a chart, like to make the bars disproportionately sized, and then say, “But if you look at the numbers like this…”

And hey! Happy Friday! Man, am I ready for the weekend!!
on February 25, 2011 at 9:33 am Myra

I’m chaperoning a middle school dance tonight and the Kid isn’t even going to be there. She has a slumber party to go to.

Clearly, I have lost my mind.

So after today….Wahoo for the weekend!
on February 25, 2011 at 9:49 am Schnookie

Myra, that is INSANE. What’s WRONG with you? :PPP
on February 25, 2011 at 10:01 am Myra

After nearly three years in middle school, it’s kind of amazing that I’ve managed to avoid it until now. And I forgot that Grace was going to a slumber party when I said yes.

Oh well, it’s only one night, surely I can survive that.

Maybe.

I hope.

And how about those Stars! Just when you think they are done for it, they beat the Red Wings! This better not be false hope.
on February 25, 2011 at 10:29 am Schnookie

Oh well, it’s only one night, surely I can survive that.

Maybe.

I hope.

:^:::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::: I’ll keep my fingers crossed for you!

And that’s crazy about the Stars! I’d say they seem to be toying with you, but in the spirit of my new-found Devils optimism, I should probably say that they’ve righted the ship. Yeah, that’s right! They’ve righted the ship! The worst is behind you!
on February 25, 2011 at 10:50 am Myra

I’m not sure I can handle this new-found Devils optimism.
on February 25, 2011 at 11:10 am Schnookie

I’m not sure I can handle it either. I think it’s less about the Devils and more about I’m really excited for it to be late winter/early spring. I’m, like, hugely optimistic because it’s 38 out instead of 30, and I’m projecting it onto the Devils. Yes, it’s a sad life I lead. :P
on February 25, 2011 at 11:44 am Kathleen

Hey, Jamie Benn is back. Consider USS Stars righted :)
on February 25, 2011 at 12:21 pm SueNJ97

Make it say the Devils make the playoffs! PLEASE make it say that!

What we need is the computer program from Dirk Gently’s Holistic Detective Agency (the one that was sold to the US Government). You give it your data, tell it the answer you want and it produces your argument (along with charts, graphs, etc) for you.
on February 25, 2011 at 12:50 pm Frisby

I’m so disappointed that Mats came up with 87 and not 42.
on February 25, 2011 at 2:51 pm Mike in Idaho

What we need is the computer program from Dirk Gently’s Holistic Detective Agency (the one that was sold to the US Government).

:^:::::::::::::::::
I loved that book and its sequel, too bad Adams died so young.
on February 25, 2011 at 4:08 pm Amy

Oh well, it’s only one night, surely I can survive that.

That’s my logic for tomorrow night. I have to go to a black-tie function for work. Putting on my big girl fancy clothes will not kill me. It will only make me stronger.
on February 25, 2011 at 7:26 pm Schnookie

Oh my god, Amy, you’re so brave! A BLACK-TIE function?!? That’s terrifying! You will SO come out of it a stronger person.