Dear Gomer,
I’’m thinking about installing a sprinkler system. What factors do I need to consider?
– Doug, Talledaga, AL
Dear Doug,
The first factor to consider is how much money you’re going to get for installing the sprinkler. If you’re not making twice as much as you know you should, don’t do it. If you can get the dough, then you need to consider how much blame will be sent your way when you install it wrong. If your nagging wife or nosy neighbors or stupid HOA is going to put up a fuss about how the sprinkler heads fire water pellets at people who walk by instead of watering the plants, then say “fuck it” and let that lawn die.
– Gomer
Dear Gomer,
I enjoy collecting inexpensive vintage postcards that I find at flea markets and yard sales, as I am decorating on a budget, as so many people are these days. Do you have any suggestions for ways I could display them that would look attractive without breaking the bank?
– Stacy, Waterford, CT
Dear Stacy,
Are you kidding? Inexpensive? On a budget? Without breaking the bank? Quit wasting my time.
– Gomer
Dear Gomer,
I recently hosted a successful cocktail party — maybe a bit too successful. What’s the best way to get red wine stains out of a tan carpet?
– Jessie, Rockford, IL
Dear Jessie,
Look, red wine stains are really hard to get out of a light-colored carpet. That’s going to take a lot of work. A LOT. And I bet this wasn’t your fault at all. So why are you trying to do something to fix it? Make the asshole who spilled the wine at your party take care of it.
– Gomer
Dear Gomer,
I have several small heirloom jewelry items that I keep more for sentimental value than to wear, as they are not my style. Do you have any storage or display tips?
– Alice, Fort Collins, CO
Dear Alice,
If the jewelry is small, I just throw it out.
– Gomer
That’s Gomer, all right. No feeling for anything that isn’t going to benefit his wallet (and can’t understand why everyone isn’t the same way) and a weasel at avoiding blame. Perfect.
The only thing that might be missing is a letter from a guy who is facing a choice between his beloved cat(s) and his beloved fiancee because the fiancee is allergic. Gomer would want to know (a) why he’s bothering with any of them; (b) does he have a pre-nup – for both the cat(s) and the fiancee and (c) has he made them all sign something ensuring that he isn’t blamed once any of them have to leave (yes, the cats have to sign everything, too)
HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!!!!! Sue, you’re so right. Gomez TOTALLY makes his pets sign pre-nups. There’s nothing quite like seeing him trying to force a goldfish to grab a hold of a pen and sign all the pages with flags on them.
It’s a shame that the Bolts lost, but, the Rangers lost in double-OT after leading 3-0 at the end of 2 periods. So, it’s not all bad.
Yeah, I’m no fan of the Caps winning anything ever, but the way the Rangers game played out? Is awesome. Heh.
:^::::::::::::::::::::::::::: I wonder what you wrote to Gomer that convinced him to write this for you ;)
Ahahahahahaha! Thanks for this. I’m not sure he’d answer so angrily to Stacy though. He’d probably just smirk stupidly and crack some joke about the tie of the guy asking him the questions instead of answering.
Another note: I can’t stand Mike Richards. What an ass.
And a last thing: go habs go. I was worried about game 3, but I’m really pumped up for game 4.
I’m no fan of the Caps winning anything ever, but the way the Rangers game played out? Is awesome.
So true. I do give the Rangers fans creativity points for the “can you hear us” chant directed at Boudreau.
Another note: I can’t stand Mike Richards. What an ass.
Agreed. However, when he was jumping up and down in the box at the end of his five minute major, he reminded me of a little kid doing an “I gotta go potty” dance.
he reminded me of a little kid doing an “I gotta go potty” dance.
Isn’t it sad it’s the only way he has to endear himself to us?
However, when he was jumping up and down in the box at the end of his five minute major, he reminded me of a little kid doing an “I gotta go potty” dance.
Isn’t it sad it’s the only way he has to endear himself to us
Nope. I still hate him. And now I hate children who do the “I gotta go potty” dance.
So true. I do give the Rangers fans creativity points for the “can you hear us” chant directed at Boudreau.
Yeah, they were more inventive than I expected.
I was surprised by both press conferences. Tortorella was pleasant with the press – maybe he felt he needed to be in order to let his team know that he was upbeat and hopeful and they should be, as well. Boudreau admitted he might have made a mistake – which I guess is easier to do after your team wins – but I can’t imagine Tortorella ever admitting that.
“Mistake? What are you talking about, Larry? Can’t we just talk about the game, Larry? Are you trying to bait me Larry?”
what was the order of events in the sabres-flyers game?
what happened first: the richards elbow of the kaleta door opening thing?
I didn’t watch the post game presser, Sue, but I assume Tortorella was as smug as ever.
Elbow was at the very end of the second period. Door opening was halfway through the third. So I’m not sure why the elbow is considered a justified retaliation.
As near as I can understand it, Richards saw Kaleta trying to hit him and believed an elbow to the head was justifiable to ‘defend’ himself because ‘it was Kaleta’ (even without the door-opening incident) and Richards doesn’t like to get hit, apparently. Which, given his reputation, is either hilarious, amazingly hypocritical, or both.
My question is, he’s never heard of a cross-check to the shoulder region? It’s still a penalty, it’s not nearly as dirty.
Puck Daddy is interviewing…Andrew Peters. He’s a much better interview than he was a player, I realize that’s a low bar, but really, much, much better.
He’s a much better interview than he was a player, I realize that’s a low bar, but really, much, much better.
:^:::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::; It’s why we had a bit of a soft spot for him
mcguffers, maybe Richards saw into the future that Kaleta was going to open the door so poor Zherdev (who, btw is often described using the word “enigma” which roughly translated means “he sucks, but it seems like he shouldn’t suck”) could get checked onto the bench! maybe he was retaliating for that in advance?
who, btw is often described using the word “enigma” which roughly translated means “he sucks, but it seems like he shouldn’t suck”
:^::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::: I love that because it totally explains the enigmas Afinogenov and Kovalev.
If Richards is able to see into the future, then I hate him even more. Way to give us a heads up on the BP oil spill, douche rocket!
Oh, and Grrrreg, I’m wearing bleu, blanc et rouge today because those fucking Habs are winning tonight! I can totally fucking feel it!!!
Oh, and Grrrreg, I’m wearing bleu, blanc et rouge today because those fucking Habs are winning tonight! I can totally fucking feel it!!!
WOOOOOOOHOOO, I can feel it too! I hope the magical powers of your swear words are still working. And I’m wearing my Dryden shirt, just in case.
Congratulations Grrrreg on your co-championship of Frisby Bowl IV! I’m pretty sure the standings are set in stone at this point.
I’m pretty sure the standings are set in stone at this point.
I’d love it to stay that way, but if the Lightning and the Preds are out after the first round, I will probably crash and burn. :)
I’m delighted at the turn around from “We’re going to take it to the Sabres physically” to “the Sabres are homicidal maniacs getting away with murder” that the Flyers have done.
I was really impressed with the Flyer announcers complaining about Gerbe when he hit a Flyer last night (he barely made an impact on the guy and it wasn’t like he could reach anyone’s head).
It reminded me of a NJ-Rangers game I went to early in Gionta’s career. Gio checked Brian Leetch. A Ranger fan, sitting behind me, yelled, “Hey, that guy hit Leetchie low!!!”. I turned to him and said, “Have you seen how short Gionta is? Where else is he going to hit anyone?” The guy actually tried to punch me and his friends held him back, not because they cared what happened to me, but they didn’t want him tossed by security.
Wow. He sounds like such a charmer.
Wow. He sounds like such a charmer.
I always thought it was due to a complete lack of a sense of humor and no lack of beer.
Wow. He sounds like such a charmer.
SNORT!! I’m with Meg.
I’m also kinda not really looking forward to the Canucks playing the Blackhawks in 15 minutes. UGH. I think I’d rather watch Storage Wars.
Wow! Corey Schneider gets the start! Luongo must be fuming. well, they’ve got to try something different. EEP!
Hey everybody! We’re back in the friendly confines of stately IPB Manor! Just in time for the Blackhawks to remember they’re just the Blackhawks and the Canucks to remember they’re the Canucks!
Yay! Welcome back Ookies! As I am a total homer, the game’s going great! Yeehaw!
So, is Luongo trying to curse Schneider fron the bench so he can get back in the net? Or is he going to pretend to be a good, team player?
If Luongo’s anything like Marty, we all know he’s cursing and actively cheering against his own team right now. :D
So, is Luongo trying to curse Schneider fron the bench so he can get back in the net?
Word on the street is that Luongo’s got a back injury. But secretly, I doubt it. More like pride injury. So, I believe, yes, Luongo is cursing Schneider for SURE! I think Luongo’s probably also cursing Filet Mignon as well. That’s got to be a tense bench.
Dear Marty,
I have recently been asked to take a secondary role in order to help the group succeed, when I am used to a very prominent role. In fact, I used to have the role as the designated group leader. If you were in my place, how would you handle it?
Bobby Lou, Vancouver, BC
:^::::::::::::::::::::::: SueNJ97!!! LOLS!
Yah, Marty. How DO you deal with this one? :-)
But secretly, I doubt it. More like pride injury.
:^::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::: Yeah, that can be a common injury this time of year. :D
Sue, :^:::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::
Dear Bobby Lou,
I would glare very darkly at all the parties involved in making the decision to change my prominent role to — I can barely even say it — a secondary one. And then I would dramatically fake an injury that I would loudly blame on those same people. And then, when everyone came to their senses and put me back in my prominent role, I pretend to be all gracious about it, but I’d make sure the subtext to everything I said and did was that people who don’t think I’m the best are stupid. And I’d be sure that the person who had the GALL to take my role while I was being secondary would PAY DEARLY FOR IT.
– Marty
I don’t think my bold “Ducks win the Cup” Frisby Bowl prediction is going to come true.
And I’d be sure that the person who had the GALL to take my role while I was being secondary would PAY DEARLY FOR IT.
Yikes! Marty is such a team player. And scary too.
Yikes! Marty is such a team player. And scary too.
Hey, I was half expecting the answer to be, “Suck it up…karma’s a bitch”.
Marty is such a team player.
:^:::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::: He’s like, “As long as the team doesn’t include a goalie who thinks he’s anything other than my infrequently-used backup, we’re all good.” :D
At least (as far as we know) Marty’s never theatened the back-up goalies – unlike Hasek and Belfour.
Then again, he never needed to. The coach just wouldn’t put the backup in before this season, unless Marty was physically incapable of playing, except for a few games a year.
At least (as far as we know) Marty’s never theatened the back-up goalies – unlike Hasek and Belfour.
:^::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::: He’s just too lazy.
Wow. I want a Schneider jersey!
This cannot be happening. Luongo is in. Shneider’s hurt.
WTF?
Dude, that is ridonk. This has been the craziest year for goalies, hasn’t it?
Totes. So. Intense right now.
And what’s with Carey/Vincent Price these days? He must feel like crap.
Yah. So that sucked a huge Black Cock.
:-(
I won’t even talk about the nhl playoffs, because… well… just because. But I saw France play team Canada yesterday in Paris for a friendly game in preparation for the world championships. That was a lot of fun. Canada had a lot of nhlers, which was really great, even if they had a little too many leafs for my taste! :P Zajac was here too, but unfortunately, I have to say I didn’t notice him a lot.
Oh, the game ended in a 3-2 win for Canada, but France played REALLY better than I thought. Canada got the winning goal on a PP with less than 2 mins to play, so that was a bit sad for our guys, but well, I can’t say that was totally unexpected! Huet played for France, and he was awesome. He stopped like 40something shots. I was so glad to see him again.
Also, there were like 13000 people in the arena, which was really great. It was as if every hockey fan in France came to see this. It was fun because I spotted jerseys of basically every team I could think of. I even saw a coyotes jersey, and a few junior hockey shirts too.
All in all, that was really fun. :D