We are sure you’re wondering what our take on the red carpet footage before yesterday’s SuperSkills festivities was. Well, after considerable TiVo delay, we’ve decided to zap through the presentation from NHL Network, and we’re happy to share our purely fangirl-riffic take on the be-suited players in all their All-Star finery.
– Okay, we were only going to do a cursory run through the show and just comment on what the players look like to us, but we are immediately sidetracked when Stormy the Ice Hog (or whatever he is), the Carolina mascot, starts hamming it up for the camera. He is mangy. The edges of his snout are worn off and peeling. And when we pause on a shot of him, we are horrified to discover his nostrils look distinctly like eyeholes.
– We have no interest in what anyone has to say. We are literally in this just for cleaned-up, well-dressed hockey players. And mascots. There’s Stinger behind Dave Strader!
– Yayson Spezza: looks like a million bucks. Of course, he’s 33% of the hott the All-Star weekend has to offer, so what else would we say? We’re glad to see that 33% was giving 110%. And what was up with the interviewer asking Yayson who is tailor is? Dolce and Gabbana are like, “Tailor???” (The patent-leather, pointy witch shoes are a bit much, but we overlook that.)
– HAHAHA! Poor wretched, bedraggled Stormy gets stuck in a monkey-in-the-middle situation between two jugglers.
– Tim Thomas: We are stunned into silence. We also really can’t put our fingers on what he looks like. Pookie thinks the eagle pendant on his toolish beaded necklace looks Nazi-ish, Boomer thinks he looks like Brian Dennehey in the frame we paused the TiVo on, and we are all in agreement that he looks like he whined his way onto the All-Star team. After several moments Boomer recants, “That’s probably not fair, by the way. Brian Dennehey is better looking than that.” Whatever. We don’t like him. Nor do we care who is tailor is.
– Soupy: Kicks things off by picking his nose with a Sharpie. Pookie: “He does not look like he deliberately went tieless, he just looks like he forgot his tie.” Pause. “Or that he’s wearing it like a belt.” It is an indisputable fact that Soupy has the worst hair in hockey. He ends the interview by chewing on his pen, or as Pookie says, “Like he’s eating the boogers off of it.”