Our Awesome Back-Up Plan

The other day we were discussing the Devils future over lunch and decided it’s time to start girding ourselves for the possibility of a Zachless existence. It sounds terrible, doesn’t it? What could possibly make that more sufferable? Well, Gentle Reader, you know us — we’re always thinking. And we’ve got a solution that will help not only the Devils but also another favorite team of ours.

If Lou can’t re-sign Zach, he should trade for Ryan Getzlaf. Seriously! We’d love to see Getzi getting to set up Kovalchuk. They’d be an unstoppable scoring machine, and if they weren’t that, then Getzi would be aimless, cranky, and his shirt would fall off a lot, which is almost as good. So, what would the Ducks want in exchange for their captain? Perhaps a return to their glory days of gooning their way to the Stanley Cup, right? Right! So, how can the Devils give them that? Two words: Boulton. Janssen.

WE KNOW! Genius.

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1-2-3 Hockey: We Know What Lou Did On His Summer Vacation

1-2-3 Hockey: 44 of 45

Today was the perfect comp day — it was rainy all day and I’m still getting over an awful cold (which I’ve oh so nicely passed along to everyone else in the house) so I could justify spending the afternoon lounging in bed reading a good book. Rollie curled up next to me and then looked annoyed when I finally had to get up and do something productive with my evening. — Pk.

AND NOW! MORE HOCKEY CONTENT!

As Devils fans we have long felt that while other teams’ fans got treated by their GMs to all the choicest free-agentmeats, our GM was always shopping the day-old sushi counter at the cut-rate free-agentmeats market. Until this summer, that is. Jason Arnott aside, look where Lou’s shopping now!

Of course, fancy groceries are awfully expensive, so Lou’s had to rename his operation now. Check out the new signage in his office:

Thanks to the Iron Boar’s convenient concussion, the fixin’s sale has become a bit less urgent, but still — other GMs around the league, there are some fine, fine fixin’s available in New Jersey. Operators are standing by.

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3-2-1 Hockey: Mickey Mouse? Is That You?

3-2-1 Hockey: 13

Not too long ago, we were all elated because the Devils had signed Ilya Kovalchuk. There was much hoopla and rejoicing, and there was a big press conference (their first one ever!!11!!!!1!), and it was all going to be awesome. And then the NHL rejected the contract. And then we found out that the team knew the contract was going to be rejected but went ahead with the announcements and the “ooh, ooh, buy season tickets!” crap anyway. And then the NHLPA grieved the contract rejection, so we all had to wait for arbitration. And today the arbitration came down in favor of the league. So Victory Euro Mats did what any sane unofficial Devils mascot would — he found a sturdy beam on the patio table out on the deck, and hanged himself.

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An Open Letter To The Devils After Learning They Knew The Kovalchuk Contract Would Be Rejected By The NHL, But Went Ahead With The Press Conference Anyway

Dear Devils,

Fuck you too.

Coldly,
The Ookies

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Ilya Kovalchuk: Inventing The Concept Of An In-Limbo Maybe-Devil

The scene: ChucklesNation International airport, in the deserted arrivals hall.

Gary Bettman darts out of a shadowy doorway, slinks around the perimeter of the hall, forages a half-eaten cinnabon from a garbage can, hisses softly at the Ookies, then scurries away.

The Ookies: “We got our cymballs out of storage for that?”

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Ilya Kovalchuk: Redefining The Concept Of True Devil

So… Kovalchuk, eh? Works for us! We asked for change, and we’re getting it in spades this summer, so much so that we’ve almost completely forgotten about the Arnott acquisition. If you can make us forget about that, you’re doing a damn fine job as a change-making GM, so kudos, Lou.

Because he’s going to be ours for the next 10,000 years or so, we figure we need to embrace Kovalchuk. There are a number of reasons why this should be easy for even bloggers as hard-hearted as we. First of all, he’s not Andrew Peters. ::brushes off hands:: Done and done! Welcome to the family, Chuckles! Second of all, we can call him Chuckles. And when he scores, he can score for a case of Chuckles. Chuckles are a rare candy where even the weird dark-purple-flavored color is still tasty. Sure Kovalchuk doesn’t seem like he belongs, but what the hell? Maybe he’s the dark-purple Chuckle and not the weird dark-purple Necco wafer (also known as “clove”. We know!!!! CLOVE!)? Or at the very least, maybe he won’t turn into the weird dark-purple Necco wafer until a few years from now. Because even though we’re really, really excited for a Kovalchuk signing, and we can’t imagine ever not loving our very own Chuckles, we can’t entirely forget that the last time we were this psyched for a free-agent signing the guy’s name rhymed with “Blian Blolston”.

But let us not dwell on such unpleasantries! Now is the time celebrate, and to get that “CHUCKLES” tattoo in gothic letters across our shoulders! Because a gothic-letter nameplate tattoo is forever, as is Kovalchuk’s alleged contract. No one living in ChucklesNation would be caught dead without one.

Ookies and Co. meet Chuckles at the airport, where they perform the traditional dance of ChucklesNation, demonstrating what wonders await those who sign with the Devils instead of the poopy old Kings.

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The State Of Mind At Stately IPB Manor After An Eventful UFA Day

It was a busy day of churn for the Devils roster today, and we’re sure the entire interwebs are on tenterhooks to hear what we think of the big changes.

– Of Paulie’s departure, we can’t muster much more than a shrug. It’s always sad when a Nation loses its emperor-god, but with Paulie, maybe he was just more of a sometime emperor-god, instead of a forever one. It was good while it lasted, and now it’s over. Adios, Paulie. (We should have seen this signing coming — Paulie’s never had any finish, what made us think he’d finish well with the Devils?)

– Of Volchenkov, we also can’t muster much more than a shrug. We had literally nothing to say about him (other than Pookie’s knee-jerk, “GAH! I hate shot-blocking d-men so much!”) until we realized something quite magical. The name “Volchenkov” sounds suspiciously like the Disco Volante, the villain’s boat from Thunderball. That means we can call our newest d-man “Disco”! For six more years! Welcome to the family, Disco!

– Of Tallinder, well… Look. We have two questions we ask every free agent who is considering signing with the Devils:

1. Are you injury prone?
2. Are you the favorite player of one of our very best friends, and will your departure from her favorite team leave her devastated?

If the player can answer yes to both of those questions, we don’t want him.

– Of hockey in general, something interesting has happened to us in the last few days. You might recall that by the end of this past season, we were in a state of massive controlled burn. We didn’t want to watch any hockey, didn’t want to hear about any hockey, didn’t want to even contemplate the concept of hockey. A long summer was just what the doctor ordered. And you know what? It’s working! We’re a few weeks away from finishing our second Project 365, and when revisiting our pictures from last fall and winter, we came across this:

Suddenly, just like that, we’re back on board. Lazy days of watching early-season hockey and puttering on our quilting, while the cold weather does its thing outside? What could be better! Sure, the Devils are likely to be the same old stupid Devils, only with some different names in the mix, but that’s something we’ll worry about again when it’s swoonin’ season. We’re still enjoying summer, but now we’re not dragging our feet for the start of the next hockey season. We might even be… anticipating it. We never thought we’d see the day!

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