Our Awesome Back-Up Plan

The other day we were discussing the Devils future over lunch and decided it’s time to start girding ourselves for the possibility of a Zachless existence. It sounds terrible, doesn’t it? What could possibly make that more sufferable? Well, Gentle Reader, you know us — we’re always thinking. And we’ve got a solution that will help not only the Devils but also another favorite team of ours.

If Lou can’t re-sign Zach, he should trade for Ryan Getzlaf. Seriously! We’d love to see Getzi getting to set up Kovalchuk. They’d be an unstoppable scoring machine, and if they weren’t that, then Getzi would be aimless, cranky, and his shirt would fall off a lot, which is almost as good. So, what would the Ducks want in exchange for their captain? Perhaps a return to their glory days of gooning their way to the Stanley Cup, right? Right! So, how can the Devils give them that? Two words: Boulton. Janssen.

WE KNOW! Genius.

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That’s What We Call “Bringing It Home” In The Comedy Business

Okay, 25 years ago our grandfather, who was not renowned for his giddy sense of humor, was given the task of putting the pink peacock ornament on the top of our Christmas tree.

The peacock, many years after the events in question.

The two of us, 6 and 8 years old at the time, were especially eager to see the tree finished off with its sparkly pink topper, but our grandfather was in no rush. We bothered at him to hurry up, but he told us the peacock needed to warm up first. He then proceeded, presumably as the peacock, to sing songs from Carmen (from what we learned about him as adults, we can only assume this came from our grandfather probably just having those tunes stuck indelibly in his head at the time), but with lyrics that only a 6- and 8-year-old could find hilarious:

Toreador, toreador
I’ll tell you how
To kill Mr. Cow

And, creating even more of an impression of brilliant comedic stylings on us:

I lost my shirt
I lost my shirt
I won’t be happy til I find my shirt

Other than the fact that we have argued about which childhood home we were living in at the time of this particular Christmas, we both remember the Carmen-singing peacock vividly.

So, fast-forward to present-day, on a lazy, listless evening watching a game on the Ducks broadcast. When a commercial for an Andrea Bocelli concert and his upcoming Christmas album comes on, we have this exchange:

Pookie: Getzi can’t wait for this concert.
Schnookie: Yeah. He’s like, [in her Getzi voice] “I love opera singers who don’t put any emotion or meaning into the songs they sing. I like opera singers who just belt.”
Pookie: Yeah.
Schnookie: That’s how Getzi sings. He has the voice of an angel.
Pookie: [Completely cracking up, singing in her Getzi voice] “I lost my shirt/I lost my shirt/I won’t be happy til I find my shirt!”
[We both collapse in hysterical laughter.]
Pookie: And THAT is bringing it home. It only took 25 years, but it was worth it.

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Would Someone Who Isn’t A SuperFan Say, “Naked Zdeno Chara, We Love You”?

So we’ve noticed something kind of troubling around stately IPB Manor the last few days, namely, that our NHL Network was not coming in on DirecTV in HD. Of course, we’ve been too busy watching Versus on our cable to really care, but tonight push finally came to shove and we had to engage in that most unfortunate pastime, trying to talk to someone at DirecTV. After much sitting on hold, and being told by the voice-response menu that our answers weren’t making sense, we found out that the problem was — and this is a direct quote — that our SuperFan status was inactive. Gentle Reader, we were gobsmacked! How could we be considered inactive SuperFans? Sure, we’re down on the Devils a bit, but we’ve never been so psyched for a hockey season! In fact, we’re such super SuperFans that we’re going to go on the record to say this:

We love naked Zdeno Chara.

Yeah, you heard us. We love him. All bicepy and hairy and naked and Zdeno-y and delicately shaded… we love him. LOVE HIM. And we think everyone should love him.

We know what you’re thinking, Gentle Reader. You’re thinking, “Ew! Naked Zdeno Chara is so not my thing! How could anyone love that??” But that’s the kind of thinking that makes a SuperFan inactive. No, we all need to support naked Zdeno Chara, because the more praise he gets for being naked, the more inclined other NHLers will be to be naked too. And what the world needs more of is naked NHLers. All kinds of them, because there are all kinds of fans. There are fans who like obvious naked NHLers like Vinny Lecavalier, Paul Gaustad, or Zach Parise. And there are fans who like slightly more divisive naked NHLers like Mike Komisarek, Milan Lucic, or Sid Crosby. And there are fans who are crazy and like naked NHLers like Alexander Ovechkin, Dion Phaneuf, or Scott Gomez. And there are fans who are SuperDuper who like naked NHLers like Ryan Getzlaf. Rawr! And wouldn’t the world be a better place for all of those fans to be able to enjoy their favorite bicepy, hairy, and delicately-shaded naked NHLers? What we’re saying is that we’re not just thinking about ourselves — we’re thinking about all the fans.

So join us, will you, in creating a better world by supporting naked Zdeno Chara. Because we’re Super that way.

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