Wherein We Provide An Essential Summertime Service

Okay, we know we have been committed the last few months to deep, exhaustive hockey analysis (haaaaaaaaahahahahahaha!), but allow us to veer off topic for just a moment. We have made a discovery that has completely blown our minds, and we want to share it with you. Behold, malted milk chocolate sauce!

The recipe for this comes from “Baked: New Frontiers In Baking”*, and seriously, it has changed our lives. With an absolute minimal output of effort, you can have a fancy, delicious dessert that seems way more opulent than the amount of work you put in could ever have produced. It’s so simple and so delicious that it can almost make a person forget how much the playoffs sucked this year.

Malted Milk Chocolate Sauce

2/3 cup heavy cream
1/3 cup light corn syrup
1/4 cup chocolate malt Ovaltine
1/4 cup firmly packed light brown sugar
1/2 teaspoon salt
6 ounces good-quality milk chocolate coarsely chopped**
2 tablespoons unsalted butter
1 teaspoon pure vanilla extract

1. In a large saucepan, bring the cream, corn syrup, Ovaltine, brown sugar, salt, and 4 ounces of the chocolate to a boil over medium heat. Stir until smooth and the chocolate has melted. Reduce the heat to maintain a simmer and, stirring very slowly, cook for 5 minutes.

2. Remove from the heat and stir in the butter, vanilla, and the remaining 2 ounces chocolate. Let the sauce cool for 5 to 10 minutes before serving.

3. To store, cool the sauce completely and refrigerate in an airtight container for up to 5 days. Reheat in a microwave oven or over low heat on the stovetop or over low heat on the stovetop.

See? Super-easy! It tastes so much better than stupid poopy old Canucks/Bruins Stanley Cup Final does.

*We actually like the second “Baked” cookbook, “Baked Exploration”, more. That cookbook hasn’t had a loser in it yet. Just in case you were wondering.

**We don’t tend to have milk chocolate on hand, so we’ve made this a few times now with dark chocolate. And you know what? It’s still delicious.

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Wherein We Are SO Cool

Say, have you ever seen the “Darmok” episode of Star Trek: The Next Generation? [SPOILERS!] It’s the one where the Enterprise meets an alien race that has stymied the Federation for decades and decades because they are so unintelligible. And then the alien ship kidnaps Captain Picard and beams him down to the nearest planet along with their own captain, who keeps proclaiming shit like, “Darmok and Jalad at Tanagra!” and “Shaka, when the walls fell!” and “Temba, his arms wide!” And after a few days’ ordeal trying to communicate with the alien captain, while fighting a monster that lives on the planet, Picard realizes that this seemingly gibberish-babbling race of aliens is actually communicating with metaphors from their culture. The crew of the Enterprise uses “Juliet on the balcony” as an example of human culture spoken that way to mean something romantic.

Anyway. So there we are early this evening, watering the garden, and Pookie suddenly realizes that our sunflowers, which were tiny seedlings just a few days ago, are now towering beasts. They are like mighty oaks. And to express their awesome stature and strength? She stands, arms akimbo, and bellows, “Stevens, in the neutral zone!” Ahhh, when dork worlds collide.

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What’s Better Than The Two Conference Final Matchups?

Why, “Red Dead Redemption”, a.k.a. “Grand Theft Horsie”, that’s what! We have completely fallen down the rabbit hole of Grand Theft Horsie, and frankly, couldn’t care less about the remainder of the playoffs. We feel that we have to say this out loud here, because “I’ve become completely obsessed with Grand Theft Horsie” wasn’t an option on the recent NHL Fan Face Off survey we took asking about the reasons for our current interest level in the playoffs. Sorry, BOLTS!, Bruins, Sharks, and Canucks — you pale in comparison to watching Pookie riding her trusty steed Dapples across the fictional terrain of New Austin, shooting lawmen and sucking at poker. See you next year, NHL.

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On The Road Again

Well, now that everything we cared about in hockey is gone — so long, Devils. Au revoir, Ducks. Godspeed, Trannies — it’s time to face the summer head-on. And what better way to do that than with a full tank of gas and a wide-open highway? Speed, freedom, the wind in our hair! It’s vacation, baby!

Ugh. Or not. We’re as bad at vacation as we were this year at the playoffs.

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Road Trippin’ With Boxworthy

If you’re anything like us, you’ve been breathlessly following Egg Pelley’s road trip across Canada on the Devils website. We don’t want the Devils site to have cooler content than IPB, though, so we sent our very own celebrity on a similar road trip, and here’s the report on his journey.

Given the green light by Zach to make this trek, Boxworthy is ready to hit the road.

Nothing’s better than being able to hit the open road and just go where the heart wants to take you, so Boxworthy was thrilled to be able to travel from the back door of stately IPB Manor to the front door, tracking his route and checking in with us as he went. “It is ever so much fun to be able to share one’s travels with Master Zach’s fans,” he said.

Say cheese!

His focus was to get from Point A to Point B, but he wanted to share his experience with Devils fans everywhere, so he brought along a camera. Early in his trip, at the curve where the driveway blacktop meets the brick front walk, he took a moment to admire the sheer rock formation of the retaining wall cliff-face.

The scenery can be stark and impressive in the Driveway Region.

“I very much enjoyed the view when I reached the straightaways of the brick path. The vista out over the rolling prairies of front yard were truly breathtaking,” Boxworthy said.

The front yard prairies this time of year are especially beautiful, with tall dandelion scrubland as far as the turtle eye can see.

The back door to the front door is by no means a short journey, and at times can be desolate. “You must pace yourself carefully,” Boxworthy explained, “For at times you may find yourself the only living soul along the way.”

Timing stops for fuel can be tricky when there is so little sign of turtle civilization nearby.

The most challenging part of the trip was definitely the steep steps along the path. “You mustn’t push too hard or too fast up such a steep climb,” he said, “If a turtle were to flip backwards here, it could be disastrous.”

Boxworthy put all his might into advancing past these obstacles.

After such hard work, he paused to take a breather and reflect back on the distance he’d already traversed.

Boxworthy at rest.

The flats of the front walk are lined with majestic daffodils, and after his grueling climbs Boxworthy enjoyed being able to get some photos of the canopy of the daffodil forest.

It was a bright, sunny day for Boxworthy’s trip.

The shadows were growing longer as Boxworthy’s long trip wended its way closer to his final destination. “Arriving at the front door is thrilling,” he said. “I was especially excited to see the urns with their lovely spring pansies.”

Boxworthy snapped a shot of the towering front-door urns.

For a turtle, the scenery is especially imposing. He had to look straight up to be able to see the flowers at the top of the massive structures.

Taking photos or just taking a breather? Boxworthy will never tell.

After hours of hard travel on a long and lonely road, Boxworthy reached the front door. “It was a marvelous journey, and a process I appreciated greatly,” he said. He was happy to be home, though.

There’s nothing like a welcome party of friends at the end of a long journey.

This was his route from the back door:
10:22 AM The back-door welcome mat
10:30 AM The blacktop beyond the back-door concrete footer
12:30 PM Pookie’s car
1:37 PM The retaining wall cliffs
1:50 PM The brick front path
2:42 PM The first step of the front path
4:14 PM The second step of the front path
5:18 PM The third step of the front path
6:03 PM The front flagstone step of the front porch
6:24 PM The pansy urns at the front door
6:40 PM The front doorjamb
6:53 PM Inside the front door

Total: 75 feet

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3-2-1 Hockey: Mickey Mouse? Is That You?

3-2-1 Hockey: 13

Not too long ago, we were all elated because the Devils had signed Ilya Kovalchuk. There was much hoopla and rejoicing, and there was a big press conference (their first one ever!!11!!!!1!), and it was all going to be awesome. And then the NHL rejected the contract. And then we found out that the team knew the contract was going to be rejected but went ahead with the announcements and the “ooh, ooh, buy season tickets!” crap anyway. And then the NHLPA grieved the contract rejection, so we all had to wait for arbitration. And today the arbitration came down in favor of the league. So Victory Euro Mats did what any sane unofficial Devils mascot would — he found a sturdy beam on the patio table out on the deck, and hanged himself.

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Jesus Christ! Does Anyone Know The Dutch Word For “Devils In The Wild”?

So it turns out we weren’t the only people vacationing in the Netherlands recently — it’s the offseason, so many of the Devils were there, too.

Colin White

Martin Brodeur

Jamie Langenbrunner

Not Andrew Peters anymore. WOO HOO!

Paulie Martin. ::sniffle::

Zach Parise

Pando. ::sniffle::

Zach Parise

Pierre-Luc Letourneau-Leblond

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