Ask The Experts: Looch Edition

Dear Looch,

How far is too far in advance to make pies for Thanksgiving?

– Colleen, Colorado Springs, CO

Dear Colleen,

Looch not eat any pies older than number of fingers Looch can count so Looch suggest not making pies more than four years before Thanksgiving. Looch think four years gives mud juuuust enough time to bake properly while still being able to scrape off rock in once piece. Colleen make Looch drool with pie question! How soon is Thanksgiving? One… Two… Three… Four… LOOCH CONFUSED!

– Looch

Dear Looch,

Sometimes my fudge turns out gritty. What am I doing wrong?

– Margaret, Waco, TX

Dear Margaret,

Looch giggle. Looch not able to stop giggling. TEE HEE HEE. Looch suggest bran muffin. TEE HEE HEE.

– Looch

Dear Looch,

Do you have any fun suggestions for egg-dying crafts that kids can enjoy?

– Terese, Syracuse, NY

Dear Terese,

Looch love eggs. Looch love dye. Looch not able to combine two loves. Looch keep smashing. Looch not mean to smash. Where pretty egg go? Looch make colorful eggshell crumble. It make Looch’s cake look like ass. But Looch’s hands look so pretty.

– Looch
Dear Looch,

Is there an easy way to remove wrinkles from sheets? Bed linens are so large, it’s hard to iron them properly.

– Helene, Grover’s Mill, ME

Dear Helene,

Why Helene scared of hard work? Hard work get Looch ahead in life. If Helene not prepared to iron big bed linens, Looch suggest Helene use small bed linens. Or Looch suggest Helene use what Looch use — night sky. Night sky never need ironing. Night sky sparkles so pretty. Night sky sparkles like shiny rocks smashed by Big Looch In Sky.

– Looch

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Random Thoughts On A Quiet Saturday Night

– For a variety of uninteresting reasons, Pookie arrived at work this morning with about 20 minutes to spare and a hankering to find videos about Beaks on YouTube. She found this:

When she sent the link to Schnookie this exchange ensued:

Pookie: I found a HILARIOUS video of Beaks and CoreyPerry CoreyPerry. Fighting in Juniors. At the end of a playoff game.
Schnookie: Oh my god.
Pookie: I was laughing out loud in my car. It was Muppet Baby Douchebags.
Schnookie: I’m honestly not sure who I’d think wins that. Of course, we’re ALL winners here.
Pookie: It was like what I imagine baby peacocks would be like if they were chimpanzees learning life skills by copying their parents.
Schnookie: (After watching the video) Oh my god. That’s a beauty. I love Beaks tossing his head. Like, I’m sure he thought, a wild stallion. He looked like Beaks of Chincoteague there. A little wild pony.

– For a variety of uninteresting reasons we ended up discussing Principal Skinner and Superintendent Chalmers during dinner tonight, which, of course, spiraled into an exchange of Simpsons quotes. When Schnookie pulled out the “how will anyone know it’s a Honda without the H?” scene, Pookie suddenly declared that Looch had eaten the H off all the Hondas he’s ever seen. Schnookie agreed, because Looch just loves to eat the letter H. Pookie then remarked, “That’s why that Bruins/Habs game was such a melee. Looch just sees all those little H’s on the sweaters…”

– Boomer made us all laugh really hard after dinner when she tried to read aloud the blurb about Nora Roberts’s upcoming release, Catching Fire, a romance novel about smokejumpers. Boomer launched into the first sentence of the blurb, “There’s little as thrilling as firefighting…” but said instead, “There’s little as thrilling as firefarting.” We still haven’t stopped shrieking with laughter. Being a grownup is grand.

– We got a crazy new fisheye lens for our camera today. VE Mats loves it.

So does Rollie.

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Advice Week: Looch Edition

Dear Looch,

I am a college student with very little discretionary income, and I have been invited to spend the upcoming holiday weekend at my roommate’s parents’ house in the Hamptons . I know it’s polite for me to bring a gift of thanks for my hosts, but my gift budget is pretty tight. What would you recommend?

Dierdre, Hartford CT

Dear Dierdre,

Looch not see this as problem. Looch see tight budget as opportunity to be creative with gift. Last time Looch invite friend to lair bell tower house, Looch so touched by host gift given — can of premium motor oil. That what Looch would bring if going to Dierdre’s friends’ house. If Dierdre’s friends’ house specially fancy, Looch suggest Dierdre go to thrift store and find pretty bowl for serving motor oil too.

–Looch

Dear Looch,

With summer approaching, my annual seasonal anxiety is rearing its ugly head. You see, I love fresh melon, but I have no idea how to choose them in the grocery store! Help!

Bev, Fresno CA

Dear Bev,

Looch also love melons. Looch love melons so much. Looch not have trouble getting melons now that Looch NHL star, but back when Looch just baby hunchback band geek, Looch only able to dream of melons. Looch get advice from teammates about where to get best melons, and now go only to strip club they recommend. Looch hit melon-iest prettiest stripper over head with hockey stick to get her to go back to Looch’s hovel pit apartment with Looch, but if Bev not have hockey stick on hand, brick work just as good.

–Looch

Dear Looch,

In an effort to eat more healthfully this year, I’m trying to work more fish into my diet. Do you have any recipes or serving suggestions?

Gladys, Salt Lake City UT

Dear Gladys,

Fish very good for Gladys. Good for Gladys to eat more. Looch eat lots of fish because fish full of oil that make Looch’s pelt hair shiny. Looch have favorite fish recipe:

1 fish head, skeleton attached
1 plate

Combine fish head and plate. Eat.

–Looch

Dear Looch,

My wife is from a very well-to-do family and every year we must attend a large family gathering at a swanky club in Manhattan. I love my wife and her family, but I dread this annual tradition. I can never remember which forks to use and it makes me so nervous. Help!

Joseph, Oyster Bay NY

Dear Joseph,

Looch feel Joseph’s pain. Looch also nervous about using forks. Looch usually opt for no fork as paws hands do just fine. But Looch also know life as NHLer means fancy-dancy dinners with no notice, so every night before going to sleep in back of cave, Looch study table setting diagram and Looch not let Looch go to sleep until all forks are memorized for one more night. Looch suggest Joseph do the same.

–Looch

Dear Looch,

I’m hosting a family reunion this summer and I don’t know how to send out the invites. There are so many hyphenated names, and doctors, and unmarried cohabitants. It’s too much to keep track of! Is there some way to politely address these invites without having to deal with specifics?

Polly, Telluride CO

Dear Polly,

Looch love parties! Especially parties with hot unmarried cohabitants! Send invite to Mister Doctor Looch-Looch c/o Looch’s Sinkhole, Boston. Consider this Looch’s RSVP. But if Looch was in Polly’s shoes, Looch would write a big X in the recipient’s favorite color on a rock and would then throw rock at recipient’s cave house. Recipient will be so impressed with the artful delivery, recipient won’t quibble about address. Problem solved the Looch Way!

–Looch

Dear Looch,

I absolutely adore columbines, and have a number of them planted in my yard. I like to cut them and bring them inside to enjoy more, but they die so quickly! What can I do to get my cut flowers to live longer?

Marjorie, Carson City NV

Dear Marjorie,

Looch very sad to say best advice Looch can give to keep flowers alive is to keep Looch away. Flowers die whenever Looch look at them. Looch sad. Looch not mean to kill pretty flowers! Also, Looch hear a pinch of baking soda in water will work wonders.

–Looch

Dear Looch,

I am constantly bullied by my co-workers. What can I do to fight back more effectively?

Mike K., Montreal QC

Dear Mike K.,

[Insert one devastating punch here.]

Hugs and Kisses, Looch

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