A Tour Of The Palms Hotel And Of The Inner Workings Of Our Shared Brain

Gentle Reader, we have a confession to make. This past season, we felt that we left most of our best material as bloggers off IPB, because most of it wasn’t about the Devils. During the dog days of the March swoon, we wailed to our closest friends that we’d let our blog get bogged down with our repetitive complaints about a team that didn’t interest us much, while we were riffing in endless, giggling fashion about things unrelated to the team we were supposed to care most about. We frequently told ourselves, on evenings when we couldn’t think of a thing to say, “If only we could write about [a certain other team we got accused of writing about too much anyway]!” So today we discovered this extravagantly awkward and wooden tour of the Palms hotel by Mike “Beaker” “Beaks” Richards and his nurse shoes.

And the floodgates opened, as we gchatted away while Pookie was at work. As you can see from the transcript below, we were probably smart to keep this all to ourselves all season.

(Now, we have been planning for months to go to Montreal for the Draft, but our plans have been derailed in the last few days thanks to our inability to obtain tickets. We were considering becoming bitter about or jealous of the bloggers at SB Nation who are going to be fully credentialed at the Draft, but, well… If we were the kinds of bloggers who get to go to the Draft, we’d never be able to indulge ourselves with posts like this. And surely the world is a better place for us hitting “publish” on this.)

Schnookie: I’m watching Beaks now.

Pookie: Ooh, I won’t interrupt.

Schnookie: Beaks is such a whore!

His tourguide style was hilarious!

“Hi. I’m Beaks. For $25,000 a night.” *Looks awkward* “You get the master suite jacuzzi.”

Pookie: Yup!

Schnookie: He looked so chunky, though. He looked dumpy. Hippy.

Pookie: I KNOW! I didn’t want to say anything but I was like, “His outfit is NOT flattering.”

Schnookie: No, he looked shaped like Greg Maddux. I think it was the nurse shoes. Poor Beaks.

Pookie: And how about the faux I-don’t-know-what “peace out” at the end?

Schnookie: What the fuck was that???? And he’s a REALLY shitty bowler.

Pookie: I assumed his bowling was affected by his shoulder surgery. That video was filmed like four weeks ago.

Schnookie: Oh, right. Beaks is normally a champion bowler.

I loved that his approach to bowling was as stiff and weak as his line delivery. “Now I am. Going to bowl.” *Stiffly tosses ball with a minimum of bodily movement* Pause *Cracks up* “Not good.”

Pookie: Yeah. The whole thing was….

But hey! It’s Beaks!

Schnookie: I better watch it again.

Pookie: That’s what I said.

Schnookie: The hockey highlights are making me sad. I miss it!

Pookie: I thought the same thing. Sigh.

Schnookie: I love that for $25,000 a night, my five closest friends can sleep in murphy beds in Vegas.

Pookie: I KNOW! And “play hoops with [their] boys”.

Schnookie: I’m sorry he didn’t try to dunk. Paulie: “Me too.”

I would have DIED laughing if they’d made him try sinking a shot.

Pookie: [Busy doing work stuff, being at work and all.]

Schnookie: They probably did. Ten hours later, he’s like, “I just had shoulder surgery! I swear when I’m healthy I can do this!”

Or better yet, he was like, “Oh, I’d love to take a shot! That’ll be a nice bit to add to the clip!” *Goes to throw a two-handed underhand shot* Director: “Cut! Cut! What are you DOING?” Beaks: “I’m not cleared to throw overhand yet.”

Pookie: Don’t make me crack up here!

Schnookie: Paulie, popping up from behind one of the murphy beds: “Also, he learned everything he knows about ballin’ from me.”

Pause.

“Ifyouknowwhatimean”

Pookie: “Like that the hoop is called a ‘net’.”

Schnookie: Beaks: “What he means is that he throws two-handed underhand.”

Paulie: “And that I ball a lot.”

Pookie: DON’T make me laugh!

Schnookie: Beaks: “That’s not a euphemism.”

Paulie: “No. It’s not. What else WOULD it mean?”

Beaks: *SMIRK* “I don’t need a two-handed underhand to win at THAT kind of ballin’.” Pause. “Unless she wants it.”

Loops: “Or he. Unless he wants it.”

Beaks: “You are NOT invited to be one of my ballin’ boys.”

Loops: “Peace out, yo.”

Paulie: “Quit making b-ball sound dirty! It’s pure and good!”

Beaks: “If that’s the case, why aren’t you wearing shorts?”

Paulie: “I never said the Golden Gopher was pure and good.” DUNK!

AAAAND… scene.

Pookie: I… don’t have enough “:”s in the world.

Although now I’m scared of the Golden Gopher.

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Hard! Hard! Hard!

Around 11:20 or so on Wednesday morning, we had the following exchange via IM:

Pookie: Hey, according to TG, the Devils have the whole day off in Vancouver today! I wonder what they’re up to.

Schnookie: Drinking and whoring!

Well, guess what, Gentle Reader? We have photographic proof that at 11:40, at least, they boys were neither drinking nor whoring! They were doing the next best thing — curling! Today the Devils website did something it hasn’t done in ages and has posted interesting off-ice content about our boys, in this case, photos from the team’s trip to a curling rink for some of that fun-times team building that Bobby Holik pooh-poohed so unnecessarily. The photo gallery is available on devils.nhl.com. We took a gander, or two, or a thousand, at it after the one and only Morgan brought it to our attention this afternoon, and we’ve got some questions.

Question the first: What’s with the dress code? What were they told to wear to the curling lanes (lanes? Is that the right word?), and how did they end up in such a wide array of styles of dress? We’ve got just in this picture alone Paulie in a suit with dress shoes, a bunch of guys in informal athletic wear, and Langer (more on him later). In a later picture we also see Mottau in full suit/dress shoe splendor. Were they, like Morgan suggested, told to wear curling clothes and those guys didn’t believe it? Or were the guys in suits all out of curling clothes after hitting up curling activities on their own in previous cities on this trip? Were they playing “suits vs. skins” but it was cold enough in the rink that the skins guys got to wear sweats? And why no middle ground? Does Lou still taser guys who think about wearing jeans and t-shirts?

Question the second: Dude, Langer, what is going on there? Is it just us, or is he wearing a cashmere bathrobe and pajamas? Boomer suggested that wasn’t Langer at all, but rather a homeless guy the team adopted for a fun curling outing as an act of charity. The more we think about it, though, the more it makes sense. We mean, if we were told before seeing the pictures that one of the players was going to appear in baggy plaid pants, we’d assume it’s either going to be Patty and that’s his dress suit, or it’s Langer in pajamas.

Question the third: Paulie is wearing his sliding curling shoe on the opposite foot from most of his teammates; does this mean he’s left-footed as well as left-handed? We’ve read that he can shoot both-handed at basketball, so if he was pressed, could he curl ambifootedly, too?

Question the fourth: We don’t understand curling footwear at all. Yes, we know that’s not a question, but it needs to be said. Schnookie was supposed to be taking a 90-minute online training at work today and spent the majority of that time studying this set of pictures and trying to figure out the shoes instead. And she got nowhere with it.

Question the fifth: Speaking of footwear, check out Pando’s dress socks! Henceforth when celebrating his accomplishments, PandoNation shall bedeck the streets of the capital city with gray pin-stripe argyle sock fabric. And speaking of footwear, why does Pando seem to have different styles of curling shoes on each foot? Is he ambifooted, too?

Question the sixth: How does Pando curl, anyway? Is he the guy who always drops his rock into perfect defensive position? Can he never be the hammer? Does he just smartly bank his stone off the glass to get it safely out of the zone every time he takes a turn?

Question the seventh: Why is Zach wearing nurse shoes?

Question the eigth: When Schnookie pointed Zach’s nurse shoes out to Pookie, Pookie rather pathetically suggested all the other guys were wearing the same ones (they’re not). That got us wondering if the guys buy their own sneakers, or is it like getting office supplies at Pookie’s workplace? Do they just fill out a little form on which they check a box for “sneakers” on a list of athletic gear, specify in “notes” which size they are, leave the form in their stalls, and then in a few days the sneakers are delivered to them? If that is the case, it still doesn’t excuse him, though, because the other guys are all wearing normal shoes, and Zach’s still in nurse shoes, which means he specified that’s what he wanted when he filled out the “notes” section of his form.

Question the ninth: If the curling ice melted into a giant lake, which Devils would sink and which would, oh say, swim?

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It’s The Most Wonderful Time Of The Year, Unless You’ve Been Naughty

Now that it’s after Thanksgiving, that means it’s full-time Christmas Season! WOOOO! It also means the quarter mark of the NHL season has passed, so Santa has a substantial enough body of work to assess when he makes his list of which Devils have been naughty and which have been nice. Sure, he’s still got a month or so to check the list twice, so these are entirely unofficial results, but we’re proud to say that we have spies in Santa’s workshop who have smuggled out — at great personal cost, no less — the preliminary draft. Let’s take a look at who on our team can expect a shiny new hockey stick for Christmas, and who’s in line for a honkin’ lump of coal.

Forwards:

Dainius Zubrus: Nice After spending last season being the 6’5″ Sergei Brylin, Zubrus has spent the last few weeks being the not-flakey Jason Arnott. We knew it! We knew he could be a good linemate for Patty! We don’t expect him to keep this up for very long, but even for just a few games, it’s worth a great present from Santa.

Zach Parise: Extremely Nice Santa should stop two or three times at Zach’s house this year for how extraordinary Zach’s first quarter has been. When all was darkness and despair, Zach was a bright shining light of talent, heart, and third-in-the-league-in-goal-scoring. We’ve been hearing for years that Zach is all but guaranteed to be the next captain of the team (we personally are pulling for Travis, but that’s a whole other post) and so far this season, we’ve seen why. When everyone else was content to say the season was a lost cause, Zach said, “Pshaw! Lost cause my arse! I’ll score fifty goals! What? Our defense and goaltending sucks so bad it won’t help? Whatevs.”

John Madden: Undecided Is it just us, or does it seem like Madden hasn’t been playing this year, even before he was injured? Santa has no idea. He’ll probably put him on the nice list, just because Madden’s a stalwart and a cranky-pants, but he’s our stalwart cranky-pants.

Brian Rolston: Naughty Oh, some people might say you can’t judge Rolston because he’s been injured all season, but you know what? That’s exactly why Santa’s stuffing his stocking with nothing but coal. You can’t go filling Devils fans with hope by being the first sought-after free agent to sign with New Jersey, then fail to make the power play instantly awesome right out of the gate, and then get injured in such a way that no one knows when or how you’ll ever be back, and have that injury happen to be the starting point for the most devastating team-wide run of injuries we’ve ever seen. No, Brian Rolton’s on the very top of Santa’s naughty list.

Brian Gionta: Nice Enough to Not Get Coal But… We had high hopes for Contract Year Gio. Those hopes haven’t really been fulfilled. He’s not been terrible, but we’re hoping Santa’s elves don’t knock themselves out making Gio’s toys this year. Give him a wooden train or two, but make them small enough to be packed in a suitcase come Trade Deadline Day.

Jamie Langenbrunner: Naughty, But Surprisingly Only Barely Langer can thank his lucky stars that Zach is a superstar and Travis remembered how to play hockey this year, because the resurgent ZZ Pops line is the only thing saving his petulant, stupid-penalty-taking, ineffective-captaining, open-net-missing, sucking-on-the-point-on-the-PP, craptacular ass. It’s hard to imagine what Patty did to make Sutter hate him so much, because there’s no way in hell that Langer is any better a captain than Patty was. But again, he’s the Pops for the Poppers (and that’s “pops” as in “lousy old man”, not “pops” as in “he’s what makes the offense pop”), so his lump of coal will at least be attractively wrapped.

Blobby Holik: Naughty There’s nothing Holik could have done to make Santa put him on the Nice List because, come on, Santa’s no dummy.

Mike Rupp: Nice As a jolly, fun-loving guy, Santa surely must love Rupper, what with his big grin and easy-going manner. We love Rupper, too, especially since this year’s he’s getting one of the greatest gifts we can bestow upon a Devil: The IPB Order of Pleasantly Surprising. That’s right, with Asham off being predictably bad with Philly, Rupper’s taken over the mantle of that player of whom we’re mostly likely to say, after a high-energy shift or an expected goal, “my, but I’m pleasantly surprised!” What fourth liner could ask for more?

Travis Zajac: NICE!, With A Capital “N-I-C-E” He’s still a tiny bit afraid of the acorn, but Travis has not only remembered how to center the ZZ Pops line, he’s become even more dynamic doing so. Santa is going to pile mountains of toys under Travis’s tree (that’s what she said!) to reward the way he’s become a dynamic, confident, powerful player in every zone. Of course, we fully put forth that we are totally blind to Travis’s flaws, but apparently so is Santa.

Jay Pandolfo: Nice, As Always Santa, like every important person of influence, is a citizen of PandoNation. Pando could have been sucking so bad that he was a healthy scratch every night and he’d still get every present he asked for. Sure, he’s not scoring as much as he was when he was in a contract year, but Santa doesn’t expect goals from Pando. We all spent half of last season with our hearts in our throats waiting for Pando to overcome his tragically shifted bits, but this year he’s bucked the teamwide injury trend and been his usual stoic, penalty-killing, defensively delightful emperor-god self. Santa will reward that handsomely.

Petr Vrana: Naughty Vrana Vrana Vrana! No matter how many times Santa sees his name on his list, it still doesn’t make him an NHL player.

David Clarkson: Nice Looking Santa’s elves are expected to be creative (no one wants the same dolly or toy truck year after year, do they?) so it would only follow that Santa would appreciate creativity in his gift recipients, too. So far this year, Clarkson has shown a shocking willingness to attempt moves other than his patented Clarkaround. Sure, those other moves aren’t really resulting in a huge increase in points, but as long as Clarkson’s still one of the prettiest names on Santa’s list, he won’t need to worry about making space in the coal bin. Santa may be smart, but he’s also pretty shallow.

Patrik Elias: Nice-ish, But Trending Nicer There was a time this season when Patty was heading up the Naughty list, but Santa’s been swayed by his recent resurgence. It might be because he’s got the same linemates every night for the first time in the Sutter Era (thanks to all the injuries making it impossible for Sutter to keep shuffling guys as much as he’d like to), it might be because Zubrus has been possessed by ghosts of the A Line, and it might be because he’s suddenly realized that with Marty out, the team MVP award is up for grabs (psst, Patty — as long as Zach’s on the team, that award’s not actually up for grabs), but whatever the reason, Patty’s playing decently again. For that, Santa will be bringing, like, an orange to put in the toe of his stocking, and maybe some shampoo, like a friend of ours always got in her stocking as a kid. He’ll need a few more good games before Christmas if he wants to upgrade past hair care products.

Defense:

Sheldon Brookbank: As a Defensmean, Naughty; As a Forward, Nice Santa doesn’t usually do the conditional thing (if there’s too much wiggle-room, the elves get confused), but in Brookbank’s case, there’s not much choice. Maybe he’ll get a Transformer in his stocking that goes from coal to toy and vice versa depending on where Sutter puts him in the line-up.

Colin White: Nice He didn’t spend the beginning of this year devastating the Devils d-corps with an eye injury, so Santa’s bringing him that pony he’s always dreamed of.

Andy Greene: Undecided Uhhh… right. Santa’s highly likely to accidentally fly right over Greener’s house, completely forgetting that he’s supposed to stop there.

Paul Martin: Nicest! Two seasons in a row now we’ve seen the team go into a tailspin when Paulie’s missed more than two games due to injury. No, he’s not the Niedermayer replacement we were promised (remember those days, Gentle Reader? Ha! Sigh.) but he’s clearly the North Star leading the d-corps to respectability. He’s also played well enough to convince Sutter to let him have carte blanche in the offensive quadrants — now if only he can convince all of us (especially his father) that he can finish. Fortuantely, Santa’s a Devils fan (we mean, duh! Whose team colors does he wear? Yeah. We rest our case) so making the nice list isn’t contingent on being a good finisher. (Unless your name rhymes with Blian Blionta.)

Bryce Salvador: Super-Duper Nice The Iron Boar went from “guy who was so bad in the playoffs last year that it was later reported that he was playing with an injury” to “guy we don’t really like being a Devil” to “Pookie’s fifth- or sixth-favorite Devil”. That’s quite a trajectory of niceness!

Mike Mottau: Naughty Sorry, it’s too soon after his deserved two-game suspension for Santa to be bringing Mottau the guitar and dog he asked for when he was a kid. Sure, it was an accident that he threw such a dirty hit, and he truly didn’t mean to hurt anybody, but still. Santa can’t go rewarding that kind of behavior. If Applesauce really wanted those things, he should have waited until after Christmas to go around hitting people in the head.

Anssi Salmela: Nice, And Batshit Bonkers Finally — finally — there is a d-man on the point on the Devils power play who will wildly fire the puck no matter what things look like in front of the net. And more than that, he so loves firing the puck no matter what things look like in front of the net that he is remarkably capable of retrieving it after it ricochets off people in front and keeping it after defenders have been able to stop his ill-advised shot attempts. But he’s crazy! It’s marvelous! We love it! And so does Santa.

Johnny Oduya: Much Nicer Than This Time Last Year Santa’s all about rewarding improvement, and for that, Oduya’s going to get some wicked awesome educational toys that teach fine motor skills — just like us, the elves don’t want Oduya regressing back to his “dropping the stick at every key opportunity” ways.

Goaltending:

Marty Brodeur: Naughty Every other record that Marty’s approached in his career has caused his game to go into a giant tailspin — just look no further than every time he approached 48 wins in a non-shootout season. So we fully expected that trait and his traditionally slow starts to seasons to combine to make the first two months of this year excruciating as we waited for him to round into form before surpassing Patrick Roy on the all-time wins list. So what does Marty go and do? He comes out of the gate on fire, plowing his way mercilessly toward the wins and shutout records. But that’s not how it was supposed to be! More than that, he changed his mask. As soon as he put on that douchey, stupid, website-promoting mask, we all knew bad things were going to happen. And oh how terribly, terribly bad those things have been. We hope he enjoys his giant lump of coal this Christmas, and more than that, we hope that “MB30″ mask of his makes him happy this June when he’s watching one of his rivals accept the Vezina. In the meantime, we’ll just keep vomiting on the floor every time we have to hear the words “Scott Clemmensen, New Jersey Devils starting goaltender”.

Kevin Weekes: Naughty Sure, it’s not his fault, but he’s naughty by circumstance here. If he’d been even remotely passable as a starting goalie, we’d all have been spared the Clemmensen Reign Of Terror.

Scott Clemmensen: Naughty Just… no. He’s still on Santa’s naughty list for the way he whined to The Sporting News about how unfair it was that he had to sit on the bench because the Devils were giving too much playing time to a guy who can rightly consider himself one of the all-time greats. And now that he’s smugging it up after games with Stan Fischler about what a total bad-ass goalie he is just because the Devils finally had to pay for putting all their eggs in one goaltending basket, he’s doubly on Santa’s shit list. In fact, Santa isn’t even going to bother giving him coal, because to add insult to injury, Clemmensen’s been very good in net simultaneously with being very bad. No, Santa’s just not even going to stop at Clemmer’s house. He’s going to be like us and keep pretending Clemmer isn’t even on the Devils roster. Wait, Clemmensen who now? Isn’t he the guy who couldn’t crack the Leafs depth chart last season? Sigh. Is it March yet?

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Mr. Elk: Wherein IPB Sees An Emperor-God In Muppet-Baby Form

As you may have gathered from last night’s post, we were not entirely pleased with last night’s debacle “game” game against the Toronto Fucking Maple Fucking Leafs. It was late, we were cranky, the game sucked, so when the second intermission started, we couldn’t hit the fast forward button on the TiVo remote fast enough. The fact that Steve and Dano were interviewing the guys from the local high school football show only validated our choice. And then — and then, Gentle Reader — we started the game up again at the start of the third only to hear Doc say, “… And Paul Martin used to play football; you all saw some footage of that during intermission!” What?!? The rewind button nearly fell off the remote thanks to the enthusiasm with which we pounced on it.

It turns out those high school football guys started out sneakily by discussing the Freehold Township team — go, Fighting Raceways! — lulling us all into a sense of complacency. And then Steve innocently reminds us all that Paulie “Mr. Hockey” Martin also played some high school ball. This is not news to PaulieMartinNation. Not by a long shot. But even we weren’t prepared for what Steve’s comment led to…

EEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE!!!!!!!

EEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE!!!!!!!

EEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE!!!!!!!

Look at him! He’s running right at us! Filled with the spirit of Elk Power! We’re pretty sure he’s singing “Cheer, cheer, for old Elk River!” as he runs. Onward to victory, indeed, Paulie!

(Author’s Note: Check out the arms and legs on high school Paulie. Holy flirking schnitt, he was a skinny guy! Pookie once read a pre-Paulie’s-draft archived newspaper article in which a scout expressed disbelief that Paulie was draftable based on how skinny his legs were. Now she understands what he was talking about. Not pictured here was footage of Paulie being checked hit out of bounds and it appeared to be a miracle that all his limbs didn’t snap like brittle little twigs.)

Here Paulie does his best Augustus of Prima Porta, thanking the loyal Elkites for their support of his record breaking receptions. The Elk River jersey design makes it look a little like their fearless star wide receiver is wearing his top backwards.

We can only assume this picture just gives the impression that he was cheering, when in fact, no sound was actually coming out of his mouth.

Speaking of Roman emperors, you can practically see his laurel wreath here. It’s almost as if he knew even then that he would be the emperor-god of PaulieMartinNation in the far off, exotic land of New Jersey.

Yes, he even got the “carried around on shoulders” treatment from his adoring teammates. After last night’s putrid effort, we’re sure his current teammates wouldn’t be so attentive to the task of keeping him properly hoisted. (It’s not as evident in this shot, but it appeared as if Pauile was forgoing the traditional “we’re #1!” index finger or the “I’m #1″ fist pump in favor of a “I’m a stoner dude who also happens to be insanely good at sports” “hang loose” thumb-pinky hand symbol. Yup, that’s our emperor-god right there.)

And then MSG+ brought it all home with this graphic, which incorrectly praises Pauile for being a “2 sport athlete”. We know for a fact that he also excelled at basketball, baseball, and track and field. If we ever see footage of baby Paulie partaking in these sports, we might just die from laughing/squeeing.

In short, last night’s game was by far the worst of this young season, but last night’s broadcast was the best since Brad Bombardir taste-tested Marty’s Frosted Wheaties (ifyouknowwhatwemean).

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Parsing Paulie’s Q&A

Ever since we saw the call for submissions for questions for Paul “Paulie Martin” Martin to answer, we’ve been on tenterhooks. Would he answer our questions?

Dear Paulie,

Who are your favorite bloggers whose names rhyme with “ookie”?

Dear Paulie,

Have you ever seen Zach and the Itty Bitty Katamari prince in the same place at the same time?

Dear Paulie,

Can you swim?

It was with much anticipation that we opened up the article today. No, our questions weren’t there — but we’re not too upset as we know the answers already; us, no, yes/maybe/no — but there was ever so much more there to squee/swoon/die-laughing over. Here is a look at some of our thoughts about Devils fans’ questions and Paulie’s answers:

– When asked about his worst roommate experience Paulie offered up yet another priceless chapter in the annals of “Welcome to the NHL, Whippersnapper: By Scott Stevens”. No, it’s not quite as good as “Gomer, pick up the birds”, but Paulie bemoaning that his rookie season involved rooming with Stevens, a prospect Pauile admitted “scared” him, is up there. You see, Paulie goes on to admit that Stevens declared lights out at 9 p.m. every night. This breaks our little hearts! Poor, poor Paulie! Finally making it to the bigs, dreaming of all the wild scenes he’d get to experience on the road as a professional athlete, eager to report back to his college buddies what great partying he’s up to! Instead, he was left “staring into the dark”, wide awake after Scotty’s draconian old-man curfew, because he couldn’t fall asleep and didn’t know what else to do. We started to feel a little less sorry for Paulie when, halfway through the answer, he suddenly declares it wasn’t a 9 p.m. lights-out, but 8 p.m.. We’re pretty sure the editor of the Devils website has the original copy of this that concludes with Paulie saying, “It was a 5 p.m. lights out. If I wasn’t in my bed at 5 p.m., even on game days, I was locked out of my room. And not given anything but gruel and stale bread for dinner. And I was forced to pick up lots of dead turkeys. Lots of ‘em! It was awful!”

– We were surprised at the question asking, “Have you been to any amusement parks this summer? Are there any rides that you absolutely won’t go on, or are you fearless?” Joe from Stockton, NJ, that is an awesome question. That’s like “Can you swim?” but less out-of-the-blue, assuming Paulie is a noted amusement park enthusiast, of course. Which we didn’t know he was. In fact, we had this exchange about it:

Schnookie: I didn’t know Paulie was into amusement parks, but I guess he must be, since he answered the question.

Pookie: It does seem like an unusual question to ask a stranger. [Suddenly growing increasingly panicky] I know what would happen if someone asked me that. [Shouting] I’d answer, “NO!”

Schnookie: I’m going to post that on IPB.

Pookie: [Pertly] Well, it’s the truth.

– When asked about the offseason changes the team made, Paulie is predictably pro-Rolston and Holik. Then he adds, “I’m a big fan of Rollie”. No, it’s hardly Mike Rupp saying, “It’s good to have interchangeable parts”, but we’re still taking that as a shout-out. Or at least, a shout-out to our cat Rollie. Who knew Paulie liked our pets so much?

– Riley from Red Bank asks Paulie about how he and Johnny Oduya worked so well together (Riley’s phrasing was artfully delicate: “Your pairing with Johnny Oduya turned out to be one of the highlights of last season.” That’s a deft touch, Riley! We probably would have said, “Okay, really the only good thing we can think of about last season is how surprisingly competent you and Oduya ended up being by the end of the year”), and Paulie says in his answer, “He’s as good a guy off the ice as he is on”. That’s awful! That means poor Oduya was a raging loser off the ice, too, for the entire first half of last season! Poor guy.

– When Paulie says he loves burritos, does this mean he wants to go on an IPB picnic to Pookie’s absolutely favoritest restaurant on Earth, the one and only Burritoville, this season? We’re pretty sure it does. We mean, how could it not? Don’t answer that.

– In unrelated news, while on the Devils site, we took a gander at “Catching Up With… Kevin Weekes” and were pleasantly surprised (yup, it was all Asham-like). First up, Weeksie answers the question we’re always asking — “I don’t even swim!” Shout-out! Shout-out! Shout-out! Thanks, Kevin! One down, 29 to go! Secondly, in discussing the charity work that filled his summer activities, he actually used the phrase “bridging the digital divide”. Dude. Just… dude. Kevin Weekes might just be the hottest guy the Devils roster has ever seen. Sure, some of those other guys are foxy, but ten bucks says if asked, Zach Parise would probably tell you the digital divide is a thing of the past. We know better, and evidently, so does Kevin Weekes.

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BOWLING!!! (Made You Look)

Last night the IPB PandoPhone’s red light blinked cheerily. It seems we had a new message! A message from an IPB reader and harbinger of Pando goodness, one Cammy from New Jersey. Eagle-eyed Cammy discovered a special event had gone down recently in Boston that we must hear about. A special event involving Pando. A special event involving Pando and a bowling ball. Dude.

All of the pictures in this post came from the marginally-functional website for Noah Welch’s Hock, Rock & Roll

Dude! It seems Noah Welch organized a fun-filled bowling adventure to benefit Make-A-Wish (good on you, Noah!) and invited Boston’s hippest, hottest celebrity. Tom Brady was out of town, though, so Pando stepped in to fill his shoes. Cammy gave us a heads up that the website for the event — Noah Welch’s Hock, Rock & Roll — contained some pretty kick-ass pictures of PandoNation’s beloved (and feared) emperor-god.

Just being in the presence of PandoNation’s emperor/god made the woman on crutches able to walk.

Also, for the Devils fans out there, the one and only Mike “Pahk the Car in Hahvahd Yahd” Mottau was also in attendance.

No matter how many times he said he could prove it, none of these kids believed that Mottau is actually an NHLer.

There are only two words in the entire English language that we could think up to properly respond to Cammy’s incredible find: “wicked” and “awesome”.

PandoNation is swooning at the sight of those hairy arms!

It got us thinking, though, of what would happen if the entire Devils squad took a trip to local lanes. We suspect it would go a little something like this.

David Clarkson would be DQ’ed on every attempt for stepping over the line while attempting a wrap-around.

John Madden would score all 0′s because he would refuse to accept that simply glaring at the pins doesn’t make them fall down.

Paul Martin would make a bee-line for the snack machine and then head out back behind the building for some quality chillaxing time with his wacky tobaccky.

Patrik Elias would throw gutter balls on every toss, and then roll his eyes to the heavens in an exaggerated head-toss.

Johnny Oduya would get tossed out for breaking the floor after dropping his ball too often.

Brian Gionta would bowl a great first frame, but would then take such a nose dive the lane manager would insist on bringing in the lane bumpers.

Zach Parise would miss his turns because he was following Coach Sutter around offering to polish Sutter’s shoes, get a newer, better bowling ball, or picking up some fresh pitchers of beer.

Marty Brodeur would not be able to release the ball due to excessively sticky-fingers from his lane-side snacking on honeyed dormice.

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Project Training Camp, Or: The Greatest Imaginary Blog Post Ever Written

Remember how yesterday we waxed poetic about those days when a blog post idea just finds us, instead of us having to labor excessively to produce something half-assed? Well guess what, Gentle Reader! It happened again today! We were finishing up dinner and something marvelous happened: we either stumbled across some old pictures on one of our laptops from our trip to training camp last year, or we had the TV on and it was set to TCM while they were showing the James Cagney movie G-Men. One of those things. We’re not saying which one. At any rate, we realized we simply had to share these photos of the Devils in their full training-camp splendor, to help brighten these brutally hockeyless dog days of summer.

The first thing we saw at training camp that day lo so many months ago was the boys doing some loosely-organized stretching. Here’s Paulie Martin, notorious non-stretcher, in the background leaning against that column, doing his best to limber up his hamstrings while the coaching staff mills about in the foreground.

That Paulie! He’s such a hard worker!

Meanwhile, Zach and Travis were at the other side of the training facility, Zach in his black woolen turtleneck and Travis in gray sweats. While Captain Fuck This Shit wandered between them, conducting their stretches, Travis worked his stretchy rope things attached to the wall, and Zach defiantly held his indian clubs at his side.

“Can’t make me do indian club stretching!” he snotted, but one stern look from Langer made Zach fall into line.

The Devils have the finest indian club facilities in the NHL, it should be noted. No one else works the indian clubs with the kind of focus and dedication that the Devils training staff has, and that’s why you see so few indian-club related injuries on the Devils in comparison to other teams. Also that’s why you see the Devils so far surpassing all other teams in the areas of hockey that require the skills needed to wave bowling pins around one’s head.

Once most of the stretching was done, Coach Robinson did a little mano-a-mano work with Johnny Oduya to practice the best way to respond when you’ve dropped your stick in the middle of intense pressure in your own defensive zone. Because Whitey is a seasoned vet, he already knows to roll around on the floor in a panic, so he was able to opt out of the drill. You can see him in the background, staying warm with the jumprope.

Whitey was looking every which kind of hot in his short shorts and midriff-baring top, especially when Coach Sutter strutted through in his tight gray sweatpants. Grrrowl!

That’s a lot of hott!

So while it was really awesome to get to see world-class athletes working out with state-of-the-art equipment, the real highlight of our trip to training camp was when the fighting practice started. Ever wonder why the Devils are such feared heavyweights? Because they are students of aesthetics; they value the art of fisticuffs, and the traditions. Behold:

The blows they land are not as important as the composition they strike. Function follows form when you’re a Devils goon. And look at the classroom environment! The boys drape themselves over the high-tech gym apparati like pommel horses and lightly-stuffed gym mats, and soak up every pearl of wisdom bestowed upon them by Coach Sutter. There’s a reason the Devils were a playoff team last season — the seeds of success were planted in the early days of the preseason.

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