Would Someone Who Isn’t A SuperFan Say, “Naked Zdeno Chara, We Love You”?

So we’ve noticed something kind of troubling around stately IPB Manor the last few days, namely, that our NHL Network was not coming in on DirecTV in HD. Of course, we’ve been too busy watching Versus on our cable to really care, but tonight push finally came to shove and we had to engage in that most unfortunate pastime, trying to talk to someone at DirecTV. After much sitting on hold, and being told by the voice-response menu that our answers weren’t making sense, we found out that the problem was — and this is a direct quote — that our SuperFan status was inactive. Gentle Reader, we were gobsmacked! How could we be considered inactive SuperFans? Sure, we’re down on the Devils a bit, but we’ve never been so psyched for a hockey season! In fact, we’re such super SuperFans that we’re going to go on the record to say this:

We love naked Zdeno Chara.

Yeah, you heard us. We love him. All bicepy and hairy and naked and Zdeno-y and delicately shaded… we love him. LOVE HIM. And we think everyone should love him.

We know what you’re thinking, Gentle Reader. You’re thinking, “Ew! Naked Zdeno Chara is so not my thing! How could anyone love that??” But that’s the kind of thinking that makes a SuperFan inactive. No, we all need to support naked Zdeno Chara, because the more praise he gets for being naked, the more inclined other NHLers will be to be naked too. And what the world needs more of is naked NHLers. All kinds of them, because there are all kinds of fans. There are fans who like obvious naked NHLers like Vinny Lecavalier, Paul Gaustad, or Zach Parise. And there are fans who like slightly more divisive naked NHLers like Mike Komisarek, Milan Lucic, or Sid Crosby. And there are fans who are crazy and like naked NHLers like Alexander Ovechkin, Dion Phaneuf, or Scott Gomez. And there are fans who are SuperDuper who like naked NHLers like Ryan Getzlaf. Rawr! And wouldn’t the world be a better place for all of those fans to be able to enjoy their favorite bicepy, hairy, and delicately-shaded naked NHLers? What we’re saying is that we’re not just thinking about ourselves — we’re thinking about all the fans.

So join us, will you, in creating a better world by supporting naked Zdeno Chara. Because we’re Super that way.

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The Last Word On The All-Star Starting Lineups

The All Star Game starting line-ups have been announced and as usual we’re incensed at who’s been deemed an “all star” and who’s been deemed “less than”. We look at the guys who were “voted in” by the “fans” and have a hard time trying to figure out which league these so-called “fans” have been watching, because it’s clearly not the same one we are. Let’s take a look at the starters, position-by-position, and see how the “winners” match up to the guys we think are the real all-stars.

EASTERN CONFERENCE

Forward
Our pick: Dainius Zubrus

Zubrus was brought in to fill some mighty big shoes following the departure of Scott Gomez and his 60 points, and he brought with him a whopping cap hit of $3.4 million, a staggering sum that could have handcuffed most teams. But did he buckle under the pressure of being the Devils’ new go-to guy? No way! Zubie’s going into the break sporting some pretty hefty point totals: 7g 14a (21p). Dude, if he was a defenseman, he’d be kicking ass! And defense is just about the only position he hasn’t played this season (oh, and goaltender, too. But point us to the skater who has…); Zubrus has been like a 6’5″ Sergei Brylin, making him the biggest interchangeable part we’ve ever seen. So while he might be 151 slots out of first in the Art Ross race, he’s totally played in every position on every line for the Devils. And not just because Coach Sutter had a hard time finding a place where Zubrus would be effective. So that’s why Zubrus gets our pick to be the starting All-Star center — he plays anywhere and everywhere the Devils ask him to, showing a hell of a lot more utility than Gomez ever did, and Gomez was an All-Star, wasn’t he?

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Sometimes The Officials Get It Right

We are like every other hockey fan in that we spend a lot of time bitching that the officials never do anything right. We’re always ready to heap scorn and outrage on some hard-working referee after we get to review his every call in excruciating detail and from multiple angles. So we’d like to take a moment now to appreciate a call made in this evening’s Bruins-Penguins game.

We were in the middle of dinner, up to our elbows in chicken tacos, when our attention was drawn to the TV by the quivering excitement in Bob Errey’s voice. It seemed that Georges Laraque and Zdeno Chara were squaring off to fight, and Errey squealed that this was the bout he’d been looking forward to for weeks. And so the two behemoths struck ye olde boxing poses, and spent a long moment sizing each other up while the officials swept their discarded gloves aside. Then they spent another long moment waving their fists at each other in what they surely thought was a menacing manner. Then they spent another long moment bobbing and weaving in nearly imperceptible, spastic torso fakes. Then they spent another long moment waggling their eyebrows at each other as if to say, “Wanna go? Let us earn our keep by our fists like men!” Then they spent another long moment wondering if they’d turned off their stoves before leaving home. Then they spent another long moment clenching their fists into ever more imposing weapons of flesh. Then they spent another long moment whipping out the financial pages of the local newspapers and reviewing their stock portfolios. Then they spent another long moment waiting for the airplanes passing overhead so the noise would not be a distraction.

What we’re saying is that they spent ages wasting time posturing like a couple of preening, pantywaisted peacocks on parade.

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