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Archive for May, 2007

Here it is, Gentle Readers, what everyone’s been clamoring for: IPB’s game diary (with a 30-minute TiVo delay, actually. Dinner ran late) of the most anticipated sporting event of the year, the National Spelling Bee. We’re sure you’re wondering what our credentials are to be commentating on this august event. Well, Pookie is still hooked on phonics and received science credit while at NYU for taking etymology, and Schnookie, who wished she could have majored in [Foreign Language] 101 at Rutgers, is the only person on the face of the planet who insists on correct punctuation at all times while IMing. So while we’re not necessarily great spellers, we’re both word nerds and the self-appointed Grammar Police (please don’t take this opportunity to point out how rife with comma errors our blog is). And that’s kind of like being qualified spelling bee commentators, right?

— Sweet! Not only is this in primetime (we used to watch this way back when, back when it was televised during the day), but it’s in HD! With our incredible television, we’re going to be able to feel like we’re taking walking tours of the kids’ mustaches!

— We have no response for ABC’s intro with a handful of dorky little spelling kids reading from an “NHL hockey on VS: It’s Do Or Die” style script. It literally defies description.

— Robin Roberts narrates a recap of what these kids have gone through to get to the Finals; we get to see footage of scads of little nerdlingers lolling around the hotel that’s hosting the event. Pookie declares, “I keep expecting to see Jordan Staal popping up somewhere in here eating pineapple and making awkward small talk with the kids at his table.” Included in this montage is a shot of a past finalist (and, we guess, current favorite?) being eliminated and covering his face with his placard. He was probably then so overcome with emotion that he became physically ill. Chris Chelios.
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Because of the TiVo delay tonight we’re zipping at high speed through the pregame, vowing to stop only for Preissing and Getzlaf interviews. So we opt out of watching Chris Simpson’s report on the motivational dressing room signs and t-shirts the Ducks are deploying.

Doc’s intro to the game proper includes the question, “What bearded warrior will make the difference?” We guess that means it won’t be Getzi, then.

In discussion of the Senators’ performance in Game 1, Eddie earns his paycheck with the hard-hitting analysis that Volchenkov and Fisher were the best two players on the team.

With a vista shot of the pre-game lightshow in the Honda Center, we get a chance to admire our favorite recent development to the pregame pomp and pyrotechnics: the giant pictures projected on the ice. That looks cool.

At the end of the introductory chit-chat, Eddie concludes that this is pretty much a must-win for the Senators (Oh, really?), which means it should be another great game. Well, he predicted that before Game 1, so we can only hope he’s right and we get another match of that caliber.

FIRST PERIOD

Oh! An on-ice interview with Getzi! Yay… oh no. Stop it. Please, cameraman, back off. Hurry! OH IT’S TERRIBLE! THOSE TEETH! Yowza. Getzi’s teeth should never be shown in that kind of lingering, HD closeup.
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Well, Gary Bettman has proved that he doesn’t read us, because he’s settled on this awful M-W-F (Edit: It has been brought to my attention that that’s my wishful thinking talking there. Stupid M-W-Saturday schedule…) Stanley Cup Final schedule, which means a possible two Wednesday night games. Jerk. At any rate, despite Game 2 being on tonight, Pookie’s still working late, so we’ll be starting into our game diary this evening on a 2-hour TiVo delay. Plan accordingly, Gentle Reader!

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Okay, so we survived that epic months-long stretch between the Conference Finals and the start of the Stanley Cup Final… and now we get another night without hockey? What is up with that? And what in the hell are we supposed to write about? Does Gary Bettman want IPB to fail? Aside from that time Pookie wrote an essay on her Biology AP about how water is non-polar, failure is not in IPB’s vocabulary, thank you very much! But while we might not be full of great, unified ideas for exciting, witty, insightful and hockey-smart blog entries, we are still, like any self-respecting hockey-obsessed fan, spending all our time thinking about the Final. So here, Gentle Reader, is a tour though the random musings that are filling our hearts and minds on this, the off-day between Games 1 and 2.

We are troubled by the preponderance of stupid, stupid cars being driven by participants in this series. We would like very much for both of these teams to take pages out of FIFA’s the NFL’s books and make this Stanley Cup Final carbon-neutral. And they can start by forcing Ray Hummery and Ryan Getzlaf to take public transportation to and from the games. (We won’t go into detail here how devastated we’ve been since finding out about Getzi’s Hummer. Getzi, we choo-choo-choosed you! How could you let us down like that?)
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At long last we find ourselves back in the warm glow of televised hockey, and it seems the US government declared it a national holiday or something! Excellent! To celebrate the day we tried our hands at a little traditional mixology and imbibed Americanos this afternoon; it was a purely coincidental choice of beverage, but we’ll pretend we meant it as a sign of our lack of support for Ottawa.

During VS’s pregame show our preference for the Ducks in this series is further cemented thanks to a shot of the Niedermayers arriving at the arena… in a Prius. As long-time Prius drivers (and proselytizers), we are so thrilled by this that we have officially forgiven Nieder for leaving the Devils for the Ducks (but we won’t back down on our resentment of Baby Nieder for being the reason he left in the first place). So the ball’s in the Senators’ court now: if you want us to like you at all, Sens, you boys are going to have to start producing some tree-hugging Prius owners, and maybe ditch a particular Hummer driver we can think of.

The Pregame show further cracks us up with “interviews” cobbled together from clips of notable players doing sit-down soundbites, and then clips of Bob Harwood and Chris Simpson “asking” questions to frame the soundbites. It’s as ridiculous as the “Better Know A District” interviews on The Colbert Report. The feature with Daniel Alfredsson concludes with Bill Clement saying, “There isn’t anyone who isn’t cheering for Daniel Alfredsson”, to which Boomer retorts, “There are three who aren’t cheering for him right here, Bill.”

FIRST PERIOD

Our broadcast pair is Doc and Eddie Olczyk, and they lead off with Eddie telling us he thinks this game is going to feature fast-paced, hard-hitting, exciting hockey, which would be a real departure from everything we’ve seen so far in this postseason.
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Schnookie’s Birthday Cake

Everybody join me in wishing our dear Schnookie a happy, happy birthday! We’re sure that you’re all out partying for her anyway! That is what all the parades are for today, right?

Here at stately IPB Manor we’re celebrating the happy day by enjoying cold drinks and the above cake thanks in large part to our fabulously awesome friends, Sarah and Paul, who on the spur of the moment, lent us a mini-fridge after our big one went on the fritz. Thanks, Sarah and Paul!

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Wow! We can’t believe the off-season is over already and it’s time for our ’07-’08 Season Preview! Oh, wait, that’s right. The off-season hasn’t even started yet; it was just the break between the Conference Finals and now was so interminable it only felt like the entire off-season. So finally, at long last, IPB brings you our exclusive take on a Stanley Cup Final matchup we actually called back at the start of these playoffs 65 years ago. (Sorry. It’s just been a really long time, hasn’t it?)

Anaheim Ducks vs. Ottawa Senators

Let’s start with a disclaimer: we are not unbiased observers of this series. We know — shocking, right? But here’s the thing…
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