Archive for January, 2008

It’s no secret that we recently whored ourselves out to a certain cable network which shall not be named (we’ll call them “Blersus” to protect the innocent) because they offered us a magnetic playoff tracker board in exchange for some facetime on our widely-read and hugely well-respected blog. As soon as we heard those musical words — “magnetic” “playoff” “tracker” and “board” — we knew our lives would never be complete without one. We happily complied, turning the sacred pages of IPB into a veritable Times Square, stuffed to the gills with flashing neon signs advertising Blersus’ cheap wares. And then… nothing. All of our fellow swag-faced whores reported gleefully of the emails they received from Blersus showering them with lavish gift baskets of magnety goodness. And our inbox? Well, it remained a desolate wasteland, filled only with the occasional tumbleweed spamming by. Nothing. Increasingly panicky and desperate, we finally swallowed what little pride we had left and prostrated ourselves to Blersus, emailing them ourselves, pointing frantically to the scads of posts we wrote about them, begging to know what we’d done wrong, demanding to know how we could be better, imploring them that it’s not too late — we can change! And still, there was nothing but a stony, magnetless silence from our former suitor. The cut direct. We had been well and truly spurned.

After staggering drunkenly through the seedy side of town and trying to attract other cable networks with our used-up, tawdry wiles (TRIO? Noggin? DIY?), we finally had to admit defeat. There will be no magnetic playoff tracker board for us. Unless… Unless we make our own. Yes! That’s the ticket! We’ve got the gumption! We’ve got the elbow grease! And best of all, we’ve got the magnet:




Read Full Post »

After the way they’ve lost their last two games, with their disinterested, lackadaisical play, we’ve decided we hate all the Devils and want them to suffer minor painful mishaps between now and Friday’s game with the Rangers that will cause them intense discomfort, but no serious injuries. Like papercuts, burned tongues, earaches and the like. Even more than that…

We want them all to get parking tickets.

We want them all to discover their fridges have broken, or their toilets start leaking so they have to wait on the plumber.

We want them to get all embarrassed at the grocery store when their credit card is denied at the checkout after they’ve had 15 bags of groceries rung up.

We want them to get pooped on by birds flying overhead.

We want them to put on their favorite pair of pants and discover a hole in the knee.

We want them to have bad hair days when they’re planning to have hot dates. Or better yet, to wake up with huge zits on their noses and foreheads before they’re supposed to go out for hot dates.

We want them to be walking around the mall and discover they have little sharp rocks in their shoes.

Read Full Post »

It feels like it’s been about a billion years since we last saw a real hockey game, but if the Devils think we’ve forgotten how their last match ended, they are mistaken. No, it’s hard to forget that kind of choke job, and we hope each and everyone one of the players involved in that collapse against the Canadiens spent their All-Star breaks feeling kind of teary and trying to figure out how to make things up to us. They can start by winning tonight.

Doc tells us in his intro that there are only 33 games left in the season. That is almost as depressing as that loss to the Habs was. Also depressing? Langer is out with the flu.

In their chit-chat session, Doc leads in to a stats graphics screen by saying, “If the Devils are going to excel down the stretch they’re going to have to count on these two guys.” The guys in question are Marty (duh) and Patty (her?). Schnookie: “If we have to count on Patty in order to excel down the stretch, put a fork in us.” Pookie: “We’re fucked.”


Before the drop of the puck we get a quick pan down the bench and it looks like Greener is eating smelling salts. Welcome back to the lineup, Greener!

19:04 We’re shocked – Gio leads a three-man rush across the Pens blue line and manages for it not to go offsides. His shot is unimpressive, but we’ll take what we can get.

Read Full Post »

So we’ve pretty much ignored all the post All-Star Weekend media coverage today, because it always makes us feel so very low to hear the bitching about how “meaningless” the game is, and to listen to the hockey media yammering on about what changes could be made to make the game “matter” more. You know what? It’s an All-Star Game. The point is that it doesn’t matter. In this interweb driven age of sports news, though, there always has to be something significant happening all the time, because information on its own isn’t currency anymore, so heaven forbid the media muckety-mucks should just be reporting for a day that something fun happened. We spend all season, from right out of the gate, hanging on every point, slavering over the standings, drawing the “Top Eight” lines across the conferences, and assigning grave importance to every game every day. Well, we just spent a weekend watching exhibition hockey that gave us a chance to relax for four days and forget about the clusterfuck that is the Atlantic Division standings. We spent a weekend watching players we normally dislike getting to show off (and win us over) by goofing around out of their loathed-team contexts. We spent a weekend just not spazzing about how frickin’ meaningful the NHL likes to try to make us believe it’s supposed to be all the time. We watched players in their suits, with their helmets off, laughing and relaxing on the ice, and it made us relax and laugh, too. And you know what? That’s pretty damn meaningful, too. No, we won’t remember the final score a year from now, and we won’t remember who was the MVP, but we will remember that it was fun. Since when did “fun” not matter?

That said, we can’t help but break All-Star Weekend into who won and who lost.

That is if we get a VERSUS VERSUS VERSUS magnetic playoff tracker board.

Read Full Post »

WOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!!!!! Can you feel the excitement? Can you feel the star power? Can you? Can you? Because it’s ALL-STAR TIME! Doc’s intro, singling out the biggest and brightest names, is hilariously short of actual big and bright names. It’s like he’s saying, “Come see the high-scoring Ovechkin, the dazzlingly talented Vinny Lecavalier, the, um, tall Zdeno Chara… and, um, the… uh… well, Rick Nash scored a really pretty goal a few weeks ago. Sigh.”

Eddie’s suit is SO BAD. Who told him a charcoal suit with pink pin stripes was a good idea? That person should be fired. Anyway, we cut to commercial before the suit can make our eyeballs turn to ash, and when we come back there’s some musical act on the ice. Doc says their name, and Schnookie asks, “Who?” Pookie: “The Hives? The Hibes? I don’t know.” We get a close-up of them, and Pookie shrieks, “They look like a band of Chris Prongers! They’re all wearing Philip Seymour Hoffman boarding school movie suits!” You know what makes us feel like old ladies? When we see whatever awful act the NHL ropes into performing at the All-Star Game. And we sit in front of our muted television in stunned silence, wondering if this is what the kids are listening to these days. Pookie ponders aloud, “I wonder if they wear those outfits all the time? And do their fans wear matching outfits to their concerts?” Note to the Hives’ stylists: we muted as soon as we saw the suits. If they’d not been wearing those suits, we might have given them a chance. Not a good sartorial choice, Hives. Very poorly played.

During the WC team introduction, Schnookie announces, “Ed Jovonovski looks like he is beaming into my living room from 1996.” He is just a constant blast from the past.

When the camera pans over Arnott, Pookie says, “Ugh. He doesn’t look like he’s wearing clothes under his clothes.” Pause. Schnookie: “And he’s really a guy who should wear clothes under his clothes.”

Read Full Post »

We are sure you’re wondering what our take on the red carpet footage before yesterday’s SuperSkills festivities was. Well, after considerable TiVo delay, we’ve decided to zap through the presentation from NHL Network, and we’re happy to share our purely fangirl-riffic take on the be-suited players in all their All-Star finery.

— Okay, we were only going to do a cursory run through the show and just comment on what the players look like to us, but we are immediately sidetracked when Stormy the Ice Hog (or whatever he is), the Carolina mascot, starts hamming it up for the camera. He is mangy. The edges of his snout are worn off and peeling. And when we pause on a shot of him, we are horrified to discover his nostrils look distinctly like eyeholes.

— We have no interest in what anyone has to say. We are literally in this just for cleaned-up, well-dressed hockey players. And mascots. There’s Stinger behind Dave Strader!

— Yayson Spezza: looks like a million bucks. Of course, he’s 33% of the hott the All-Star weekend has to offer, so what else would we say? We’re glad to see that 33% was giving 110%. And what was up with the interviewer asking Yayson who is tailor is? Dolce and Gabbana are like, “Tailor???” (The patent-leather, pointy witch shoes are a bit much, but we overlook that.)

— HAHAHA! Poor wretched, bedraggled Stormy gets stuck in a monkey-in-the-middle situation between two jugglers.

— Tim Thomas: We are stunned into silence. We also really can’t put our fingers on what he looks like. Pookie thinks the eagle pendant on his toolish beaded necklace looks Nazi-ish, Boomer thinks he looks like Brian Dennehey in the frame we paused the TiVo on, and we are all in agreement that he looks like he whined his way onto the All-Star team. After several moments Boomer recants, “That’s probably not fair, by the way. Brian Dennehey is better looking than that.” Whatever. We don’t like him. Nor do we care who is tailor is.

— Soupy: Kicks things off by picking his nose with a Sharpie. Pookie: “He does not look like he deliberately went tieless, he just looks like he forgot his tie.” Pause. “Or that he’s wearing it like a belt.” It is an indisputable fact that Soupy has the worst hair in hockey. He ends the interview by chewing on his pen, or as Pookie says, “Like he’s eating the boogers off of it.”

Read Full Post »

Well, here it is, perhaps the most challenging hockey engagement of the year to try to diarize – that’s right: All-Star Saturday! We’re staring down the barrel of the Young Stars game and the SuperSkills, two events that could be completely awesome, but are seriously undermined by the fact that there is a dearth of hot players on this year’s All-Star rosters. Oh, right, did we mention that when it comes to the SuperSkills we make like the event itself and toss all actual sense of “hockey” out the door? Yeah, we’ll be unabashed fangirls for this evening, and it should be stated for the record, we’re depressed fangirls because the pickings are slim. Thanks, ugly NHLers, for being the All-Stars this year.

— Our intro is uninspiring. Ovechkin? Lecavalier? Chara? Iginla? Nash? Lidstrom? These guys are not hott! (Pookie insists that Nash is highlighted as a player on the EC team, “because I refuse to believe that Columbus is in the west.”)

— Doc and Eddie lead things off by talking about their favorite events. Doc says fastest skater, and Eddie says “the target shooting”. We are in agreement that accuracy shooting is the sexiest event (Pookie: “You heard it here first.”) and hardest shot is the least sexy.

— We go to Chris in the dressing room with Lidstrom. Pookie, keeping a running tally: “Not hot. Oh! Getzi!” Getzi is, indeed visible in the background, pulling on his sweater and rocking his rapidly-expanding bald spot. We are strangely very attracted to the bald spot. VS then kicks us to the EC dressing room where we are interviewing the decidedly not-hot Ovechkin. However, the Getzi Of The East, Jason “Yayson” Spezza, is in the background in his stupid crushed-velvet camo underarmour shirt, looking flummoxed by the arrangement of the equipment in his stall. Okay, so that’s a look at two of the three IPB Official All-Star Hotties (Clarkson being the third). Has VS blown its wad here, or is this a sign of things to come?

Read Full Post »

Older Posts »