If we had serious sportswriterly aspirations, we’d probably be filling this space with a scathing critique of the Devils’ moribund offense. It was not at all encouraging to watch them skate into a big measuring-stick game against the Rangers on Wednesday, looking to open some daylight between themselves and the other teams jockeying for first in the East, and, more importantly, looking to beat New York for the first time this season, and instead of doing things like “playing well” or “trying hard”, they put up 18 crappy shots. That sounds like a really generous total, too. Both the “18” and the “crappy” parts. We don’t have a lot of confidence in the Devils’ playoff chances if that’s how they’re planning to go about playing in big games. Unless, of course, the other playoff teams are going to decide not to dress goaltenders or defense, which seems kind of unlikely.
Since we don’t have serious sportswriterly aspirations, though, what we took out of last night’s game is that the single funniest thing on television right now is that Acuvue commercial. You know the one, Gentle Reader. Our protagonist addresses the camera to bemoan his lame-assed, bespectacled friend’s shortcomings on the field of touch-football battle. Our hero likes to win, but his friend (who has great hands, we’re assured) just keeps dropping the damn ball. Damn him! We then see our hero’s friend fumbling the perfect pass. That dolt. He throws up his hands and says to the camera that it’s his glasses ruining everyone’s life. If only his eyes worked properly, he’d be good enough for our hero. Of course, our hero isn’t the protagonist of this tale for nothing — he’s as smart as he is generically commercial handsome, and recommends a novel approach, a solution for his buddy’s buffoonery that no one has ever considered before. Contact lenses. The quality of the laugh this commercial gets at stately IPB Manor every time it’s aired is astonishing. We just can’t get over the marvelously awful production values, poor acting, and hilariously simple reveal of the product being pitched. “Psst, sports fan! You may not know it, but there’s an alternative to wearing glasses!” Fantastic! Anyway, our point is that we laughed at this commercial even while the Devils were failing miserably for the sixth time this season against the Rangers, and it was all we really wanted to write about tonight. Maybe if the Devils had mustered a few more quality scoring chances, we wouldn’t be reduced to this.