This is the eighth in our summer series in which we are drawing hockey cards at random from a box and then writing about them.
There was a quite a bit of confusion when today’s card was drawn. Boomer did the honors, announcing it was Petr Kalus of Minnesota. “Oh!” exclaimed Schnookie, “He had a big game against the Devils! The announcers couldn’t stop talking about him!” A moment’s worth of research resulted in slight correction: “Oh, oops. That was Villeaux I was thinking of. Kalus didn’t do anything against us!” Pookie then picked up the card and thought his sweater looked odd. Surely “Kalus” is supposed to be spelled “Klaus”, as in the one-and-only Klaus die Maus of Power Play fame. This Kalus fellow’s quite the imposter! We mean, can you tell which is the Kalus hockey card and which is Klaus die Maus?
In fact, we’re now a little concerned that every player we think we know is really Kalus in disguise. What if Zach Parise isn’t Zach Parise at all? What if he’s just Petr Kalus in an especially good not-fake mustache? What if Vinny Lecavalier isn’t Vinny Lecavalier, but is just Petr Kalus in a Tampa-Soon-To-Be-New-Jersey sweater? What if Ryan “Crunchy” Miller” isn’t Ryan “Crunchy” Miller but is just Petr “Crunchy” Kalus?! This is an especially troubling episode of PBS, Gentle Reader, because we’re no longer entirely sure that the NHL isn’t just a big house of Petr Kalus mirrors. Everything we believe in has been nothing more than a Kalus charade. A Kalus fashazz. A Kaluscapade. Consider us unnerved, Gentle Reader. As you should be too. You never know when you’re going to tug on the face of someone you love, and find out they’re just Petr Kalus in a mask. He could be anybody. He could be us.
Mwa ha ha ha ha!!!
And we would have gotten away with it if hadn’t been for you meddling kids.