This is the 39th in our summer series in which we are drawing hockey cards at random from a box and then writing about them.
Still no word from team management about changing the team’s name. I don’t understand why they don’t like the name Boston Bars. It means the same thing as Boston Bruins, but is badass and cooler. Davy Crockett would know what I’m talkin’ about. Sometimes I think this organization is run by a bunch of morons.
I was thinkin’ today, and I’ve decided there are two things in life I really love. One is killin’ bars. I like killin’ bars so much that I got a new helmet for next year, one that has an actual stuffed, mounted bar head on it. It’ll be like the design of my old mask, with the angry bar head snarling around the part where my eyes look out, only that’ll be real bar. And who cares that it’ll look like my mask is representin’ my own team’s mascot after it’s been shot, gutted and skinned? It’s gonna be badass and cool, and I will have killed it myself. Because that shows off how badass and cool I am.
The other thing I like is Dainius Zubrus. Because he shows off how badass and cool I am, too. Remember that time, Diary, when he scored against me in Newark? (Something that wouldn’t have happened if I had a real bar on my mask — the fake cartoon one that’s on there now just isn’t scary enough.) And remember how I was all pissy and rantin’ and fussin’ and stompin’ off into the corner to cry about it? Only no one was really payin’ attention before I had my breakdown, so no one bothered to signal that Zubrus had scored? And then the review showed that the only place in the entire universe that the puck could have been was inside the net, but my badass bar-themed pads and the padding around the base of the net obscured it? And the on-ice officials were too chickenshit to make a call on their own, so they relied on the War Room to decide if it was a goal? And the War Room said it wasn’t? Remember that? Because I think about it every day. And I laugh and laugh. Maybe I should shoot, gut and skin Zubrus, and mount his head on my mask for next year. So shooters around the NHL can see what a totally cool badass I am.