We trust all you IPB Irregulars took a gander at the calendar today and thought, “September 9th! Victory Euro Mats Day!” That’s right! Today was the deadline for joining the IPB Cross-Conference Fantasy Spectacular Extravaganza! Everyone who emailed our fearless commish andrew before the deadline has an invitation to join the Yahoo league waiting in their inbox as we speak! Woo!
Because of the number of entrants, we’ve once again split into two groups: the SuperLeague and the AmazingLeague. Don’t be fooled — the SuperLeague is amazing, and the AmazingLeague is undeniably super. Assignments to the leagues were determined by a random number generator system that only andrew understands (that’s what keeps him earning those hookers and blow). In case you missed the announcement in the comments earlier today, here are the rosters for the two leagues:
andrew, Puppydogs & Icecream (EC)
Pookie, Boxworthy’s Panopticon, a.k.a. The BoxPanners, a.k.a. The Eventual Champions (WC)
Patty, Paddleball Gamers (EC)
Kate, The Fancybits (WC)
Heather, FiveAndDime (WC)
Chaz, Les Poque-Ups (EC)
Vinny, The Invinnycibles v. 2 (WC)
Gambler, Look at These Hobos! (EC)
Mags, The Thehatricks (WC)
MikeP, [Unknown as of yet] (EC)
grrrreg, The Pronger Worshippers (WC)
Sherry, Victory Euro Remix (EC)
andrew, Wikid Bitchin Kazoos (EC)
Schnookie, Tintin Tattoos, a.k.a. the TinTats, a.k.a. The Team That’s Going To Kick Everyone’s Asses, a.k.a. The Team So Good They’ll Beat The SuperLeague Too (WC)
Amy, The Little Honkers (WC)
Meg, [Unknown as of yet] (WC)
Myra, [Unknown as of yet] (EC)
Caitlin, Meat Pies (EC)
alix, The Wheaty Bitches (EC)
Iain, The Iainstigators (WC)
Natalie, [Unknown as of yet] (EC)
Josh, El Pointy Toasters (WC)
Frisby, Soldering Iron Boars (EC)
Sam, [Unknown as of yet] (WC)
Things are shaping up to be a kick-ass season in IPB FantasyHockey Land!
Those of new to the game, or those of you with rusty brains (it’s been a long summer), might be asking what to do next. First things first, register your team if you haven’t yet. The instructions are in the email.
Then — and this is the most important thing EVAH — you must exclude all of the players in your favorite team’s conference. If you’re a Blues fan (shudder), you must exclude all, and we mean all, players from Western Conference teams from your draft-eligble players list. If you’re a Panthers fan (what, St. Louis isn’t good enough for you?), you must exclude all, and we mean all, players from Eastern Conference teams from your draft-eligible players list. Because of a slight imbalance, two fans of EC teams will be drafting out of the East. It remains to be seen if knowing your conference will help or hinder… Bwa-ha-ha! Seriously, though, we do mean business on this matter. This fantasy league is meant to be a fun educational experience in throwing off the shackles of the unbalanced schedule. If you are unsure of which league to draft from, please see the above league rosters. The conference listed next to your name indicates which players should be on your eligible list.
Now you might be asking, “That’s all well and good, but how do I exclude players, O Wise Ookies?” Mats will demonstrate:
1: Click on the “Draft Central” tab.
2: Select “Pre Draft Rankings” at the top of the screen.
3: Above the list of “Default Player Rankings”, there is a small link that reads “Edit My Rankings”.
4: The following screen shows three columns — Excluded Players, List of Players, My Players. You must go through every single player in the List of Players box and move all players from the conference you’re NOT drafting from, using the arrows between the boxes, to the Excluded Players box. This sounds like an unholy terror of a task, but really, it should take about 20 minutes. If you’re slow. And if you’re like Pookie, you’ll ask every few minutes, “Columbus is in the WC, right?” And if you’re like Schnookie, you’ll spend the entire excercise saying, “Thank goodness I’m not drafting from the East. All these players suck!” The most important step of all, once you’ve moved all the players you aren’t allowed to have on your team, is to hit the “SAVE” button at the top of the screen. Because goodness knows, you don’t want to have to do that all again, do you?
The Amazing and SuperLeagues will have auto-drafts, which means that once you’re done sorting your players, you’re good to go. The draft order will be set at random by Yahoo, and then when the computer runs the draft for us, you’ll be given the highest-ranked player available whenever your turn comes up. If you want to go with the pre-set rankings, that works. If you feel the pre-set rankings are totally bogus and don’t give, say, Sergei Brylin (ranked number 625 over all) enough respect, then you can set your own rankings in the “My Players” box. The draft will be ten days from today (namely: September 19), so get sorting!
We’ll be providing updates on both the leagues here on IPB so you can enjoy all the fun and excitement from across the best fantasy league in all the land, but please take note of the message boards and smack talk features on Yahoo. Take note, and use prodigiously. The more swagger and smack talk the better, right? And taking the time to talk smack will help your bolster your self esteem as you face the unenviable task of taking on the juggernaut BoxPanners and TinTats. Starting today, you’re all gunning for second place.