We may have mentioned in passing that the inestimable Katebits from The Willful Caboose is visiting stately IPB Manor this weekend. The ostensible purpose of the visit was wholly quilt-related, but now that we’re all fabricked-up, we’ve discovered that today has, quite possibly, the most perfect schedule of all time. We’ve got the Devils live at 2, to be chased by the tivoed Tranny Gentleman Callers, then the Sabres live at 7, to be chased by the tivoed Tranny Brides. It’s a dream come true! So join us, Gentle Reader, as we woolgather and quilt and soak up a springtime day of hockey (while refusing to actually go outside, where it happens to be glorious and playoffy, just as an aside). We will update this post as we go along.
Pookie: I think it’s a sign that we’re going to have a great day of hockey that I managed to punch in the correct channel number for NESN on my first try! This is almost unheard of!
Katebits: [doubtful] That sounds like a… uh… great sign?
Pookie: Well, I can’t think of a better sign!
We’re not sure finding NESN was a good thing. We caught the very end of their pregame show, in which they counted down the top five signings in hockey this season. They were, from fifth to first, Marion Hossa, Blake Wheeler, Michael Ryder, Scott Clemmensen, and Brian Campbell. NESN: where to go if you don’t really want intelligent hockey commentary.
The first goal of this monster day of hockey is scored and it’s Mark Recchi. Woo? Meh, we’ll pretend it was Milan “Badass” Lucic instead, because… why not? Woo!
Okay, the Bruins are a-tivoing, and now it’s time to hunker down for the debut of the Iron Macho! WOOOO!!!! We’re sure it’s going to shape up as the best trade deadline move of the year by far. And to think, Martle thought the Devils stood pat.
Havelid has been a Devil for not even one minute of game action and the consensus is he must fix his missing tooth. Now. Not later, now. It’s okay, Iron Macho, we’ll hold the game for you.
The Iron Macho Era begins badly, and the Islanders score because all the Devils, including Marty, are standing around like morons. Katebits has been insisting all morning that she thinks the Devils are going to win, but we think she’s wrong, wrong, wrong.
Further proving Katebits is wrong, wrong, wrong, Okposo victimizes Paulie and puts one behind Marty. Before the game started, Pookie predicted a Doc Ok hat-trick. Well, he’s a third of the way there!
Tambellini scores on a breakaway, just barely squibbing the puck under Marty. And we have learned there is one thing Clemmensen does better than Marty: play matinee games. Sigh. Chico says, after the replays of the goal that put the Islanders up 3-0, “Who saw this coming?” Pookie and Schnookie, in unison: “ME.”
The Islanders get another breakaway off a blocked Devils shot. Schnookie, watching Marty blocker the shot to the near corner: “On the bright side, I don’t think we’re going to meet the Islanders in the playoffs.”
After the third goal, MSG+ ominously showed us the spot in the zamboni tunnel where Weekes normally sits, the message being that he had gone into the dressing room to start stretching for the second period. But as the intermission ends, it seems Marty has won the latest battle of “No, I’m in charge around here” passhole-aggresshole-iveness with Sutter, and so Weekes is still sitting. Chico tells us that the Islanders “did everything but drive Marty from the net” in the first. The four of us: “There’s still plenty of time.”
WOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!!!!!! Gio scores on a gorgeous tip of a Whitey shot. We spend a few minutes marveling at how NHLers can deflect pucks into specific spots on purpose…
…and then all of a sudden it’s 4-1 Islanders because the Devils totally suck. We hate the Iron Macho.
Okay, we’ve been sitting here grousing on and on and on about how the Poppers aren’t getting any ice time, and how that’s totally why the Devils are sucking so bad, and when they finally do get a rare shift, we are in such foul moods that we suspect they’re just going to let us down. But they don’t! Langer gets a goal to cut the lead to 4-2, and then they put on a clinic of how not to celebrate overmuch after scoring in a game where you’ve been collectively terrible. Capitals.
Double ugh. It’s hard to remember the last time every single Devil looked this shitty at the same time.
We’re still paying attention, but only enough to notice vaguely that Patty has scored (on an assist from Paulie!!! EEEE!) on the power play. It’s 6-3 now, and Katebits says cheerfully, “The comeback begins!” Pookie: “Yeah. There’s still plenty of time left for the Devils to remember how to play hockey…” Katebits: “…and score three quick ones!”
Chico may very well have summed up this game the best when he says, “Well, the ‘pulling the goalie down three goals’ experiment for today may be over.” It feels like this game’s been going on for ten hours.
Devils/Islanders matinees are hugely draining. As the final minute ticks down off the clock, we realize we need to send for supplies or we’ll starve. We call TJ’s Pizza and tell them to send one of everything.
Hey! Pookie called a hat trick. Sure, she called Okposo, but still.
Now that the Devils’ reign of terror is over, we return to the tivoed Bruins/Blackhawks game. We are greeted with this wondrous sight:
We’re amazed. Katebits declares that she wants a Sabres Tiffany lamp, but Schnookie and Pookie are wary… If there was a Devils Tiffany lamp at stately IPB Manor, it might be meeting an ignominious end right now.
NESN is advertising a Rays/Red Sox Spring Training game, and Pookie loudly declares, “I’d rather die than watch that!” Pause. “Okay, baseball’s not that bad…” Pause. “Of course, if I died, that would mean no more Devils/Islanders matinees.” Schnookie: “But there’d be no more quilting either!” Pookie, unswayed: “No, that game was really terrible.”
The supply ships have arrived.
We have two games and the third period of the Bruins left to go. We just might survive now.
The end of the Bruins game would have been much more exciting if we hadn’t been from the future. We make a vow to try to not be from the future for the Flyers game.
We’re watching Chris Pronger’s “Day In The Life” and it is a train wreck of douchiness. It’s mesmerizing.
Aaaaaaaand we’re under way with the good hockey game for today! WOO HOOO!!!! We smell Sabres blowout.
Rats. The Sabres game is picking up right where the Devils left off. As Alfredsson scores off the draw on a power play, Katebits says, “Okay, the Sabres have never come back from behind in any game. We can turn this one off now.”
WOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!! Staffy decides to prove Katebits wrong, shoots some finger guns at Pookie through the TV, then ties the game with a foxy, foxy goal. So far this is way better than a certain matinee we watched earlier that we can think of. (Hint: not the Bruins game.)
The culinary highlight of our day is going to be the leftover s’mores roulade, a dessert that our family calls “Slug In The Snow” (long story). It looks really scrumptious after Schnookie had to pretty much wad it into a ball to fit it inside the cake dome for ease of refrigeration last night.
It’s room-temperaturizing as we speak, and looking especially sluggy.
BOOOOO!!!! Donovan blows a long-range shot past Lalime, and it’s 2-1 Ottawa. Schnookie: “I was really getting ‘Sabres are going to score’ vibes, too.” Pause. Katebits: “I was not.” Who’s the negative nellie now?
The Sabres draw a power play, and Pookie totally pooh-poohs it, declaring that she is going to go downstairs to start pressing seams on her quilting, “because I’m not going to miss anything.” Oooh. Them be fighting words. No sooner is she downstairs than Vanek ties up the game on a sassy spin-a-rama shot that the Sens goalie pretty much guides into the net.
Katebits, watching as the play goes deep into the Buffalo zone: “This reminds me of that Flyers game where they just kept keeping with them and tying the game up, and then the Flyers would immediately go ahead and score again immediately after that.” The Sens promptly go ahead and score again immediately after the Buffalo goal.
WOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!!!! Best! Goal! EVAH! Schnookie has been saying ALL WEEKEND that she KNOWS Yo-Yo’s going to score, and Katebits was all, “No, he NEVER scores!” all the time. And who just scored? WHO??? Yeah, that’s right. Yo-Yo. SUCK ON THAT, NONBELIEVERS!
We spend the shift after Yo-Yo’s goal having a deep philosophical discussion about whether this is the Flyers game all over again. Katebits says yes, Schnookie says no, because Ottawa doesn’t have the power of Beaker. So of course, Ottawa scores again. Katebits 1, Schnookie 0.
We’ve been sort of manic the last few minutes, swinging from high highs to low lows, but then the Senators get a long two-on-one, and as Katebits sadly wilts, “Here’s the fifth goal,” the Senators score. Our moods deflate.
Alfredsson scores to make it 6-3. Our moods deflate further. Schnookie: “Of course, if they give up one more, we can have matching scores today!”
This day of hockey is not going well.
Okay. Things have kind of sucked today. But on the bright side, we’re getting the Flyers feed!
We are having a wide-ranging, very serious conversation about how to solve the Sabres’ problems. It’s the kind of deep talk that happens most often at summer sleepaway camp. So far we’ve traded Staffy to the Devils for Andy Greene, and Madden has signed with the Sabres to wear the C. It’s going to fix a lot of things. Meanwhile, the Tranny Brides are making their weak little effort at salvaging our day of hockey, and more than that, we had the wildly charming experience of watching Beaker wolf down an energy bar while skating from the bench to a defensive-zone faceoff dot. *Swoon!*