March is a month of nastiness. It brings us weather that doesn’t warm up fast enough, late-season snowstorms when all we want are flowers, and worst of all, March hockey swoons. There is however one thing to look forward to every March — The Name of the Year bracket. It’s like the March Madness of Silliness, the antidote to slumping hockey teams and dreary gray skies. The bracketologists at NOTY spend the year collecting and researching fabulous real names, rank them carefully in four regions, and then pit them against one another until the best name is chosen and crowned the Name of the Year. Past winners include:Doby Chrotchtangle, Assumption Bulltron, Godfrey Sithole, Tokyo Sexwale, Tanqueray Beavers, Jerome Fruithandler, and Vanilla Dong. We were already toying with writing a post about this just because it makes us laugh every year, but then something amazing happened. While casting votes in the Dragonwagaon Regional we discovered that one of the names in the running is none other than Pierre Champoux! That’s right, the NHL has someone in the running for NOTY! And then, when perusing the Bulltron Regional we stumbled upon Parris Duffus, a former NCAA-standout goalie who played one game for the Coyotes! Hockey is everywhere!
We’d be urging you all to stuff the ballot box for these hockey emissaries, but even we have to admit that there is no chance either hockeyist is advancing out of the first round. Duffus is up against Glorious Johnson, Muffin Lord, and Zeppy O’Green. Champoux’s competition is even tougher thanks to Rev. Valentine Handwerker, Willy Wham, and Velvet Milkman. Velvet Milkman. This might just be the strongest NOTY field we’ve seen. (We’re putting our money on Shasta Kielbasa to win it all, by the way. Hung The Dang will most likely win, but we’re all about the meatstuff-inspired underdogs here at stately IPB Manor.) So if you’re feeling the March Doldrums, head on over to NOTY and cast your votes for Pierre Champoux and Parris Duffus (we wouldn’t blame you for voting for Valentine Handwerker and Zeppy O’Green instead). Maybe 2010’s bracket will see Cal Clutterbuck in the running.