Gentle Reader, we have a confession to make. This past season, we felt that we left most of our best material as bloggers off IPB, because most of it wasn’t about the Devils. During the dog days of the March swoon, we wailed to our closest friends that we’d let our blog get bogged down with our repetitive complaints about a team that didn’t interest us much, while we were riffing in endless, giggling fashion about things unrelated to the team we were supposed to care most about. We frequently told ourselves, on evenings when we couldn’t think of a thing to say, “If only we could write about [a certain other team we got accused of writing about too much anyway]!” So today we discovered this extravagantly awkward and wooden tour of the Palms hotel by Mike “Beaker” “Beaks” Richards and his nurse shoes.
And the floodgates opened, as we gchatted away while Pookie was at work. As you can see from the transcript below, we were probably smart to keep this all to ourselves all season.
(Now, we have been planning for months to go to Montreal for the Draft, but our plans have been derailed in the last few days thanks to our inability to obtain tickets. We were considering becoming bitter about or jealous of the bloggers at SB Nation who are going to be fully credentialed at the Draft, but, well… If we were the kinds of bloggers who get to go to the Draft, we’d never be able to indulge ourselves with posts like this. And surely the world is a better place for us hitting “publish” on this.)
Schnookie: I’m watching Beaks now.
Pookie: Ooh, I won’t interrupt.
Schnookie: Beaks is such a whore!
His tourguide style was hilarious!
“Hi. I’m Beaks. For $25,000 a night.” *Looks awkward* “You get the master suite jacuzzi.”
Schnookie: He looked so chunky, though. He looked dumpy. Hippy.
Pookie: I KNOW! I didn’t want to say anything but I was like, “His outfit is NOT flattering.”
Schnookie: No, he looked shaped like Greg Maddux. I think it was the nurse shoes. Poor Beaks.
Pookie: And how about the faux I-don’t-know-what “peace out” at the end?
Schnookie: What the fuck was that???? And he’s a REALLY shitty bowler.
Pookie: I assumed his bowling was affected by his shoulder surgery. That video was filmed like four weeks ago.
Schnookie: Oh, right. Beaks is normally a champion bowler.
I loved that his approach to bowling was as stiff and weak as his line delivery. “Now I am. Going to bowl.” *Stiffly tosses ball with a minimum of bodily movement* Pause *Cracks up* “Not good.”
Pookie: Yeah. The whole thing was….
But hey! It’s Beaks!
Schnookie: I better watch it again.
Pookie: That’s what I said.
Schnookie: The hockey highlights are making me sad. I miss it!
Pookie: I thought the same thing. Sigh.
Schnookie: I love that for $25,000 a night, my five closest friends can sleep in murphy beds in Vegas.
Pookie: I KNOW! And “play hoops with [their] boys”.
Schnookie: I’m sorry he didn’t try to dunk. Paulie: “Me too.”
I would have DIED laughing if they’d made him try sinking a shot.
Pookie: [Busy doing work stuff, being at work and all.]
Schnookie: They probably did. Ten hours later, he’s like, “I just had shoulder surgery! I swear when I’m healthy I can do this!”
Or better yet, he was like, “Oh, I’d love to take a shot! That’ll be a nice bit to add to the clip!” *Goes to throw a two-handed underhand shot* Director: “Cut! Cut! What are you DOING?” Beaks: “I’m not cleared to throw overhand yet.”
Pookie: Don’t make me crack up here!
Schnookie: Paulie, popping up from behind one of the murphy beds: “Also, he learned everything he knows about ballin’ from me.”
Pookie: “Like that the hoop is called a ‘net’.”
Schnookie: Beaks: “What he means is that he throws two-handed underhand.”
Paulie: “And that I ball a lot.”
Pookie: DON’T make me laugh!
Schnookie: Beaks: “That’s not a euphemism.”
Paulie: “No. It’s not. What else WOULD it mean?”
Beaks: *SMIRK* “I don’t need a two-handed underhand to win at THAT kind of ballin’.” Pause. “Unless she wants it.”
Loops: “Or he. Unless he wants it.”
Beaks: “You are NOT invited to be one of my ballin’ boys.”
Loops: “Peace out, yo.”
Paulie: “Quit making b-ball sound dirty! It’s pure and good!”
Beaks: “If that’s the case, why aren’t you wearing shorts?”
Paulie: “I never said the Golden Gopher was pure and good.” DUNK!
Pookie: I… don’t have enough “:”s in the world.
Although now I’m scared of the Golden Gopher.