the most wonderful a kinda fun the somewhat tolerable a day of the hockey season: Draft Day! After making the trek up to Ottawa to witness it in person last year, we’re making the trek to the couch to witness it on television this year. While this means we can’t whoop and holler for our boy Lou in the back of a half-filled arena, it does mean we can diarize it. We’ll be updating the diary as the night goes along.
6:59 PM We finally settle the internal struggle of Draft Coverage vs. Jeopardy! by switching over to VS. Here goes!
7:00 PM Pookie is crushed to discover Hedman looks nothing like Viktor Krum! For this reason alone she hopes the Devils don’t draft him with the somethingteenth pick in the first round.
7:04 PM Wow, the building looks packed. Packed with people who were deemed worthy of winning the snooty ticket lottery. Well fiddle-dee-dee says we.
7:17 PM We are so awesome. Our cable box isn’t plugged in, and a giant storm has just blown in. As Garth Snow steps to the podium for the Big Moment, our satellite picture conks out, and we scramble to get the cable hooked back up again. We suspect something similar would have happened in the arena if we’d been in attendance. Which might be why Montreal made sure we didn’t get tickets.
7:18 PM The cable gets hooked up just in time to see John Tavares hugging his family. Oooh, the tension and intrigue!
7:25 PM So the first big trade is Pronger for Lupul, Sbisa, and two first round picks. We’re not sure what memo we should be sending out: “Hey, Anaheim, you do realize that’s Joffery Lupul, right?” or “Hey, Philly, you do realize that’s Chris Pronger, right?”
7:35 PM Brian Burke is mic’d up tonight (of course), and sounds drunk. We’d think Leafs fans would be worried about his inebriation, but considering the way things have been going over the last few years for them, Leafs fans are probably past caring.
7:40 PM The Halliburton, ON tourism board is thrilled that the town’s black fly problem was highlighted on television this evening.
7:44 PM It only takes 44 minutes for Pookie to think to look up when the Devils pick in the first round. 23rd. Huh! Who knew?
7:47 PM This television coverage is throwing into sharp relief our disappointment that no one hired Pierre as GM. If it goes on much longer, we might even be happy to see the Devils hire him into the front office just to get him off our television set.
7:51 PM Speaking of the Draft (heh), today’s Not On The Road With IPB activity involved Victory Euro Mats taking a trip to the Not Montreal Botanical Gardens (aka our front yard garden).
Here he checks out a rare specimen plant called “marigold”. Those Quebecois are so fancy with their flowers!
8:03 PM Pierre announced before the Coytoes picked that he would be “shocked — shocked!!!” if they didn’t select Ekman-Larsson. Draft viewers all over North America let out a sigh of relief, as the Coyotes do just that, saving us all from hours of Pierre’s shocked reaction.
8:11 PM Schnookie: If this isn’t the least compelling television… No wait. The Major League Baseball Draft is less compelling.” Pookie: “Major League Baseball games are less compelling.” Of course, Pierre doesn’t call MLB games… Maybe the joke’s on us?
8:20 PM A caption on the screen tells us newly-minted Star Scott Glennie is comparable to Jeff Carter. Pookie does a spit-take. “He doesn’t look anything like Jeff Carter!”
8:29 PM Normally we’d say we’ll be happy if the Devils draft a warm body, but after seeing Ottawa’s pick, we’ve decided to ratchet up our demands to “a warm body who didn’t blow out his ACL and his MCL six months ago”.
8:35 PM Boomer is deeply engrossed in a mystery thriller novel in front of the TV. Schnookie needles her that she’s not being a very good hockey fan, but as Pierre’s voice prattles on in the background, she responds very dryly, “Oh, I’m listening.”
8:39 PM For more information on V.E. Mats, go to http://www.interchangeableparts.wordpress.com.
8:43 PM It only took us 43 tweets to call a friend a classless beeyotch. We’re clearly off our games. We’ve got a lot of training to do to get back in shape before Training Camp.
8:48 PM As Mahmoud the Cat helps himself to Boomer’s dinner while she’s engrossed in her book, Schnookie accuses her of not paying any attention. Boomer says, “I am too paying attention!” Schnookie, “Oh yeah, name all the picks so far!” Boomer: [confidently] “Tavares, Hedwig, Duchene. And Assif Mandvi.”
8:50 PM TSN pans back to show the whole board and Boomer says, “Alright, I did miss one. I didn’t see when Elkhorn Legman was drafted.” We’re not sure anyone saw Elkhorn Legman get drafted. Yet.
8:55 PM When the Islanders trade up for the 12th pick and Pierre starts ejaculating about A) them not drafting Zach, and B) how “on the rebound” the Islanders are. Garth Snow promptly goes off the board to pick some guy who was projected at 23rd (Hey! That’s OUR pick! BOOOO!), and Pierre wilts while reporting that this kid is not very strong. Buck up, Islanders fans. Maybe whoever Snow didn’t pick will turn out to be an all-star for the Devils!
Meanwhile, here’s Mats reclining at the not-Botanical Gardens under a canopy of catnip.
9:22 PM We are horrified! HORRIFIED! When Nick Leddy is drafted by Minnesota, TSN shows a graphic listing notable past winners of the prestigious Mr. Hockey award. A notable name is notably left off said list. The announcer then begins to describe how Leddy is a fast-skating, puck-moving d-man who opted out of the USDHL so that he could stay at his Minnesota high school to win a state championship. Hmmmm… Does that sound like anyone to you? Sound like a notable past winner of Mr. Hockey? Hmmm? Hmmmmm?!?!? We repeat: we’re horrified. It’s almost as if TSN isn’t manned by members of Paulie Martin Nation. Well, we never!
9:52 PM WOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO! Pookie called it! When we went into commercial with the Flames on the clock, she said they were trading to the Devils. When we come back from commercial, sure enough, they have. Gary does not mention the name “Brent Sutter” when he tells us the details of the deal.
9:55 PM When we get our first look at future Devil superstar Jacob Josefson, Pookie says happily, “He looks so fresh-faced!” Pause. “Of course, the next time we see him, he’ll look like Charlize Theron from Monster.”
9:59 PM We get a shot of the Kings’ runner kid just sitting around, eating an apple. Schnookie: “I could be a runner! That kid’s just eating. I’ve been doing that all day!” Pookie, slightly tipsy: “Yeah, but he’s eating something happy.” Pause. “Healthy.” Schnookie, eyeing the plate of cupcakes next to her: “I’ve been eating things that are happy all day.”
10:21 PM SHOUT OUT! SHOUT OUT! No matter how out of game shape we are, we’re always up for an “interchangeable parts” shout out! We have no idea what they were talking about but… SHOUT OUT! SHOUT OUT!
10:27 PM Day-um! Peter Chiarelli taunts the Montreal fans before making his pick! That’s just the way our Tranny Gentlemen Callers roll. We’re pretty sure Looch wrote his speech for him.
10:34 PM When the Ducks get around to making the 26th pick, one of the TSN panel guys reads some notes telling us all the teams that have traded this particular pick. After he reels off all the cities, Pierre showily leans back and chortles, “Ha ha ha! You’d need a map!” Schnookie: “Or a piece of paper with the cities listed on it.”
10:49 PM Pierre has been insisting all night on making this broadcast into “The 2009 NHL Entry Draft: It’s All About Zach Parise”. The only way he can top this next year would be to spend the entire broadcast in a split-screen insert showing a live shot of him standing outside Zach’s bedroom window, holding a boombox over his head that’s blasting either “In Your Eyes” or the HNIC theme song.
11:00 PM At long last it’s over. We don’t have to listen to Pierre again until next season. WOOOOOOO!!!!! Now it’s Columbo time. He would never get his draft predictions wrong. Never.