One of our very favorite jokes to make around here at stately IPB Manor, where the living is easy, is drawn from this “That Mitchell & Webb Look” sketch about a pediatrician who treats children with dire illnesses and his ice-cream-factory taste-tester companion. When we have bad days but are still able to retain at least a shred of perspective on how good we have it, we complain that we’ve had a bad day at the ice cream factory. Well, the last week or so has been a bad one at the ice cream factory, and today’s news of the Lemaire/Tremblay hiring has only made it worse. Here is a transcript of our gtalk exchange immediately following the announcement.
Pookie: We were planning to have a good week at the ice cream factory, but Lou came along and shut the ice cream factory down. And when it started back up again, Lemaire had replaced all the fun flavors like Parise’s Pistachio Praline Party and Paulie Martin’s Leader of Young Gopher Gumball Surprise with low-fat vanilla frozen yogurt.
Schnookie: And Coconut Clutch & Grab Frozen Milk. And Trap Torture Surprise.
Pookie: Yeah, low-fat vanilla yogurt sounds too appetizing. The surprise is that the ice cream cone is empty. And that there is no cone. But you still spent $5.75 on it.
Schnookie: So right.
Pookie: Boring Bonanza. It’s a cardboard box filled with blank shredded newsprint.
Schnookie: Rocky Road Retread.
Pookie: The marshmallow is Rolston. The peanuts are Marty.
Schnookie: The chocolate is — JUST KIDDING! THERE IS NO CHOCOLATE!
Pookie: And the rest of the crap that goes into Rocky Road is Lemaire.
Schnookie: It’s more shredded newspaper.
Pookie: It’s really less an ice cream factory and more a shredded newspaper factory. If you’re really, really, really lucky, you might go for ice cream on a day when they’re serving Funfetti conFection. It’s shredded newsprint with the teams Goals For stats typed on it. Just kidding! There are no goals for!
And so it went, Gentle Reader. And until we see otherwise from the 2009-2010 New Jersey Devils, we’re going to gird ourselves for a long series of bad days at the shredded newspaper factory.