You may recall, Gentle Reader, that at this time last year, IPB was (In Dallas). Well, now that the leaves are changing, it’s time for some reciprocity of hospitality, and Patty (In Dallas) is going to be, very shortly, Patty (In New Jersey) for a week of fun and games. As a result, we’re very busy readying stately IPB Manor — and its surrounds — for her visit. We don’t have time to write about the Devils today, because these are all the things we need to have done before Patty’s plane touches down (In Philly) on Friday:
— Install a flat-screen TV in the front hall of stately IPB Manor that plays Jason Arnott’s OT goal from G6 of the 2000 SCF on an endless loop.
— Hang a dreamboat poster of Zach Parise in the guest room, and cue up the subliminal Lou Lamoriello indoctrination tapes to play in the dark of night while Patty is (In Dreamland).
— Knit little Langenbrunner sweaters for all the cats.
— Hand-paint the foliage in the front yard of stately IPB Manor, in anticipation of trying to convince Patty that it looks like this year-round.
— Schedule showings of all the houses for sale in stately IPB Neighborhood. Just in case Patty is convinced to move here.
— Get the answers to the corn maze, practice giving subliminal clues, and perfect sounding spontaneously admiring while saying, “You’re so good at corn mazes, Patty! Maybe you should move here!”
— Dispose of the man-sized dustbunnies that roam the halls of stately IPB Manor.
— Build a “Big Jerz” to compete with Big Tex and make Patty feel (At Home).
— Build a Butter Alexander Hamilton, to compete with the butter sculptures at the State Fair of Texas.
— Install scenic view decals to the windows of all NJ Transit trains on the Northeast Corridor so that the view on the trips to Newark and NYC don’t include any of the, er, “local color” north of New Brunswick.
— Practice sounding erudite, so when we walk around the Princeton campus pointing out the Picasso sculpture and Toni Morrison’s office, we don’t sound like we view Princeton simply as a source for awesome ice cream.
— Set our not-(In The Office) messages.
— Stock up on citrus for the sugar-rimmed cocktails that will be used to make Patty drunkenly commit to moving here and becoming a Devils fan.