The one and only good thing to come out of Brent Sutter’s morbid obsession with rendering Jay Pandolfo obsolete last season was that PandoNation was forced to face directly into the void and answer some very difficult questions. Questions like, “In the absence of our benevolent emperor/god, whose nation should we become.” And the answer presented itself with a Mona Lisa smile and a whiff of macrame; so the corrupt ruling priest class of PandoNation calmly formed AcornsNation on the side. Just to be ready when the time comes. And now that the terrible news has come down from on high that Pando will be out for 4-6 weeks, AcornsNation is ready to step up (while PandoNation spends the next month and a half raging a holy war against RuppNation).
Sadly, though, PaulieMartinNation had no such back-up plans in place, and is now emperor-godless for the next 4-6 weeks as well. It’s time to start looking at contingency plans, and here Pookie, the head corrupt ruling priestess of PaulieMartinNation, will give her opinion of each of the candidates, extemporaneously, as each player’s name is read aloud to her:
Niclas Bergfors: Oof. He’s upgraded from “sell” to “don’t sell”, but he’s not emperor-god material. Emperor-gods must stay upright at all times. And a have a minimum of, like, 25 NHL games.
David Clarkson: He’s a tasty morsel! He’d look good in a toga. I think he has the godlike appearance that an emperor-god requires, but not the consistency. Also, I’d have to fight Frisby for ClarksonNation, and I’m not ready to wage an all-out war.
Matt Halischuk: Who? NO!
Jamie Langenbrunner: That’s not even funny.
Pierre-Luc Letourneau-Leblond: *Cracks up*
Rob Niedermayer: That’s just wrong on so many levels.
Zach Parise: *Heavy sigh* That’s a tough one. It seems like ZachPariseNation is a global superpower democracy. It’s no one’s Nation to own.
Egg Pelley: Well… he meets the 25 game requirement. Um. *Loooong pause* I don’t… My mind is strangely blown by the idea of EggNation.
Andrew Peters: No.
Ilkka Pikkarainen: There is no emperor-god in Lowell.
Brian Rolston: Please. I may be a Devils fan, but I have some self-respect. He is the single worst hockey player ever.
Travis Zajac: He’s taken! I don’t have the proper block crayons to fill out the citizenship forms for AcornsNation.
Dainius Zubrus: *Extremely long moment of contemplation* You know, I’d seriously consider him, but I don’t think there’s been a single moment when I’ve noticed him on the ice this season. I like my emperor-god to be visible to the human eye.
Mark Fraser: He’s foxy, but doesn’t meet the 25 game requirement.
Andy Greene: He’s not tall enough. *Pause* *Shifty eyes* You must be taller than… Andy Greene to be emperor-god. I mean, all of the statues we would erect of him would be miniature. We have massive bronze stores in PaulieMartinNation and we want to be able to use them.
Mike Mottau: *Hopeful* Isn’t he also injured?
Johnny Oduya: It would be a lateral, safe move. And he is putrid, so when Paulie comes back, if he’s also putrid, I would be able to view that as a normal baseline.
Bryce Salvador: Oooh! I didn’t even consider IronBoarNation! *Pause* Our money would kick ass. My one concern with him is that he blocks shots too much, which I hate. There would be a tough relationship then between me and my emperor-god. He’s a very strong choice. I daresay an Iron one.
Colin White: *Long, inscrutable silence* He’s like… *Longer, more inscrutable silence* I fell like he’s a little like Miracle Max. I feel like he’s kind of outside the emperor-god kingdom. If I want a really stay-at-home, never-try-anything-fancy d-guy, I’ll remember Miracle Whitey. But until then…
Martin Brodeur: If Zach is a global superpower democratic Nation, Marty is an intergalactic federation. Of starships. Also, I’d worry about the dormice population in PaulieMartinNation. They’re a protected species there.
Yann Danis: Why not just stick with Paulie then? What would be the difference?