Archive for January, 2010


We’re drunk.

Also, we just finished watching the Devils/Kings game tonight. And because we always do our best writing when we’re drunk, let’s put pen to paper to assess the aftermath of this latest colossal suck-fest from our beloved team.

First of all, the entire team, from those weird little rookies all the way up to Lou, is fired. We’re not even sure we’re going to let them pack up their belongings. We might just have security show them out. We hate them all. And we’re drunk.

Second, have we vomited profusely yet? Yes? Well, we’re going to again. This game sucked. As did the game before it, and the game before it, and the game before it, and on and on and on. It’s almost as if the Devils like making us sick. Which, well, we guess good for them, because they’re accomplishing it regularly.

Third, even though it’s still January, thanks to the Olympic break we’re actually at the point in the schedule where the team has its annual swoon, so we shouldn’t be surprised that they’re sucking so bad. So it has always been, and so it shall always be.

BUT! Have you felt, Gentle Reader, the same way we have this month, that the days seem a lot longer than they did at this time last year? That the sunlight has been a lot brighter? This has been the March-iest January we can ever remember. There was no way the sun was still up as late at this time last year as it has been this year. It’s still light out after work! And during the day, the sunshine seems so warm and cheerful! Schnookie’s boss is traveling around the world this week, and remarked that he expected it to be Spring when he got back, based on how the weather’s looked this month, so we know we’re not alone in feeling this way. So maybe — just maybe — the Devils are similarly afflicted. Because this doesn’t look like the regularly-scheduled beginning of the annual swoon. No, the Devils are, right now, playing March hockey. No, let’s be more accurate — they’re playing April hockey. They’re playing like they, too, think it’s spring. (And maybe that they think they’re in a best-of-seven series against the Rangers.) They’re doing that top-notch “rip out your still-beating heart and drop it in your lap so you get to watch yourself bleed out” brand of hockey that we know and love so well from the last few playoff years. But maybe — just maybe — this is a good thing.

How could “rip out your still-beating heart and drop it in your lap so you get to watch yourself bleed out” hockey be a good thing? Well, because, despite all outward appearances, it’s still January. Or, if you’re reading this tomorrow, just barely February. What if the Devils are going to play out their crappy playoff hockey this month, then find themselves playing October hockey after the Olympic break, and then be in full November/December powerhouse mode again for the postseason? Maybe this is all worth it?

Nah, probably not. But we never claimed to be sober.


Read Full Post »

As you might know, Gentle Reader, we are cranky about a lot of things. Also, we watch a lot of Comcast broadcasts of a certain team that plays in a city that rhymes with “Bliladelphia”. And the announcers on those broadcasts tend to get inordinately excited when the Bliladelphia head coach (aside: we’re also cranky about how awful his hair is. Bleter Blaviolette, just buzz it, okay? You look like a fool) takes a timeout at any point in the game that isn’t the final 90 seconds. The Bliladelphia team just gave up four quick goals? Timeout, and he’s a genius for it! The Bliladelphia skaters are exhausted and just iced the puck? Timeout, and no one has ever thought to strategically deploy his timeout like this! The Bliladelphia bench just randomly called a timeout by accident? Jack Adams time!

With our crankiness about the way TV guys get all worked up about timeouts piqued, we started to notice it on other broadcasts too. Play-by-play and color guys can’t seem to deal with timeouts at all. They’re either overly rhapsodic about totally expected situational timeouts, or their unduly flummoxed. Why can’t they be more like us and not care about whether a team uses their timeout or not? Why is everyone so much stupider than we are?

We think the way to solve this is to let every team have one timeout per period. Use it or lose it. And that way it just won’t be an issue at all, because people could have timeouts whenever. Wait, no… Or it could be three times the issue. Never mind.

Read Full Post »

Saturday Night Open Thread

Hey everybody! It’s Saturday night! There’s hockey all over the place! And no Devils!

Read Full Post »

Good evening, Gentle Reader! It was a traumatic afternoon here at stately IPB Manor as Pookie picked up her first speeding ticket. Mazel tov, Pookie! Nothing like going 15 mph over the speed limit when the cops are trying to fill their monthly quotas. Let’s hope the Devils are a bit more conscientious tonight as they take on the Maple Leafs. (Let’s also hope that if their play is the equivalent of zipping past a speedtrap at high speeds, that they at least realize the window lock is on when they go to greet the nice state trooper outside the passenger side window. Otherwise they’ll be mighty embarrassed when they keep hitting the “down window” button and nothing happens. At least, we think that would be embarrassing. Not that we’d know anything about it.)


Our assigned color for this week in sixty-four colors is sepia, which is a lot darker brown than you’d think. Doc and Chico seem to be on board with this project:


Also, EggNation is celebrating BoogerforsNation’s loss today. As are we. Stupid Boogerfors, with his statistics falling off a cliff. Hmph.


–About five minutes in, MSG+ gives us replay of Gustavsson making a post-to-post pad save. Chico says, “His legs are his strength,” to which Pookie responds in stride, “His legs are his strength and his voice is his passport. He’s a monster.”

— About six minutes in, we feel like we’ve hard this song before. 1-0 Leafs.

— About seven minutes in, who is this team and what did they do with the Devils??? 1-1 game.

— Of all the long-term Devils injuries this season, Zubrus’s was the one we were least concerned about, because of all the guys who could return to the lineup after a long absence, he was the one we figured had the least to offer. Well, we were wrong. Lemaire has created a ZZ Z line tonight (or perhaps ZZ Zops?), and it’s looking awesome. They connected on an edge-of-your-seat passing sequence for the Devils first goal, and do it again about ten minutes later. Both goals by Zach, both primary assists by Zubrus. 2-1 Devils, and Pookie’s suggesting maybe calling this line “Showdown at the Triple-Z Ranch”. If “ZZ Pops” could catch on, surely this could too.


— The age-old question of whether Colin White could beat Colton Orr in a rink-length footrace is answered here tonight. Decisively in Whitey’s favor, thank goodness.

— We love the Showdown at the Triple-Z Ranch line! They’re awesome! Zach’s putting on a hustle clinic tonight, and for some crazy reason, Zubrus can totally keep up with him. Who knew Zubrus had it in him? When Travis feeds Zubrus on a pretty passing sequence to make it 3-1 Devils, we’re almost wondering if this is some elaborate prank, like the one the Comcast people pulled on Steve Coates last night. It should be noted, though, that the one drawback of the Showdown at the Triple-Z Ranch line is that when they have goal celebrations with Whitey on the ice, Zach looks miniature.

— The age-old question of whether Mark Fraser could beat Colton Orr in a breakaway footrace is answered here tonight. Decisively in Orr’s favor. 3-2 Devils, and Pookie sighs, “The Devils might as well have had their window lock on.”

— This game is crazy! We’ve got an effective Dainius Zubrus, a breakaway-threat Colton Orr, and now wee bairn Patrick Davis getting his first NHL goal. 4-2 Devils, and we’d love for this game to go on all season. (Of course, as soon as we type that, Langer takes a stupid penalty behind the play in the neutral zone. Never mind. We’d like this game to end right now.)


— Midway through the period, Doc informs us that there will be a special on-the-road version of Chico Eats! next week in Toronto. Chico promises that they will be introducing a “new food” during that episode. We can only assume that Chico is going to be inventing an entirely new food element, previously unheard-of in human experience. Pookie: “It’s going to be ‘U-chic-mi’. Like umami, but Chico.”

— IronBoarsylvania will never forgive its emperor-god for the way he passes the puck late in this period to Ponikarovsky right in front of the Devils net to make this game 4-3 Devils. Ew. And BOOOO!

— During intermission, Gel-O cracked that the Devils had to win this game, because to lose to a lowly opponent like the Leafs, at home, with a two-goal lead going into the third, would be devastating. To which Schnookie wondered aloud whether it would be as devastating as, say, losing a playoff game 7 at home in regulation after holding a one-goal lead with 80 seconds left in the third period. Ah, how well we know our team. With 91 seconds left, they collapse in their own zone and give up the tying goal. 4-4 game.


— We’d cheer for that OT acorn, but honestly. Devils? You guys are a sad, sad sight. 5-4 Devils.

Read Full Post »

We might not be especially smart people, but one thing we think we’ve finally figured out is this simple mathematical equation:

Ookies who are tired and cranky from having too much to do during the work day + a Devils team that is playing like they think it’s the first round and they drew the Rangers as their playoff opponent + writing a game diary = excruciating, unending pain.

So we’re going to enjoy (or, more accurately, “enjoy”) tonight’s game the way the hockey gods intended — with an open thread. We hope you’ll join us!

Read Full Post »

Our volume control isn’t fantastic when this (heinous, low-def) broadcast starts, so our opening statement for the evening is Pookie screaming at the television, “Gel-O, why are you shouting at me???”

Apparently we’re supposed to be really amazed at the Devils’ resilience for winning 20 of 30 with Zubrus out of the lineup. We suspect that’s more a statement about Zubrus than it is about the Devils.


19:32 Wait, what? Doc takes this moment to drop the terrible news on us that Zharkov’s out of the lineup tonight, and Andrew Peters is in. No wonder Gel-O was shouting at us – who can help but be angry when facing the prospect of an evening of Andrew Peters being in the lineup?

18:45 Zach and Travis (who got a title screen in the pregame that read “ZZ Tops the Charts”, prompting us to wonder if MSG+ has finally scraped the absolute bottom of the barrel) get a rink-length two-on-one, but the pass is too well defended, and Zach is left taking a not-entirely-great shot that Elliott easily blockers aside.

16:40 During the wait for a Devils-zone draw, MSG+2 shows us an iso of Zubrus’s last shift. Chico narrates is as an example of “Dainius doing what he does best”, and Schnookie asks, “Dainius doing what he does best? Does Chico mean that Zubrus is being forgotten by everyone on the ice?” Just then, the replay shows Zubrus following a Senator behind the Ottawa net, falling over, getting his stick blade caught in the glass, and then being hit by a Senator and a Devil while prone on the ice. Ah yes. That is Dainius doing what he does best.

15:52 Michalek gets a point-blank chance when he sneaks behind the D to receive a glorious feed from Alfredsson, and the Ottawa crowd is already cheering the goal when Marty casually just scoops up the shot with his glove while looking like he’s just nonchalantly standing in the crease. That is just super-sassy by Marty. And remember, you can’t spell “sassy” without “assy”. We love it.

12:13 Captain Fuck This Shit and Alternate Captain Fuck This Shit team up on a spunky sequence along the far boards, as Langer takes a hit but frees up the puck, then, with a glance over his shoulder, tosses it to a streaking Zach, who inside-outsides his way around his defender to rip a tricky shot on Elliott. But, for all that, they don’t score.

10:45 We are barely paying attention as we’re discussing the pork chile verde we made over the weekend, and suddenly the dumb goal horn is honking and all those poor souls who are stuck being Senators fans are cheering. The goal is Kovalev’s, and clearly the Devils shouldn’t be taking their cues from us about when to be paying attention to the game in front of them. 1-0 Senators.

9:42 The game goes to commercial with Rolston heading to the box after taking an offensive-zone penalty. Why must the Devils always play down to the quality of the picture of their MSG feed?

7:42 The Devils miraculously survive the idiotic Rolston penalty. Meanwhile, what’s uo with the Senators? Since when are they not a living joke? They make no sense to us.

5:56 Zach tries to bust up the wing after chipping the puck past the last Senators defender, but he gets just barely caught on a hipcheck while passing the guy, and tumbles to the ice. And when we say “tumbles” we really mean it. He, like, somersaults six or seven times, looks like he’s about to burst into flames, but then springs immediately to his feet to keep skating.

3:51 It only took 16 minutes and 9 seconds of listening to the way Doc says “Elliott” before Pookie pointed out how Doc makes that name sound just like ET did.

2:44 BOOOOOOOO! This game is shitty. What happened to the sassy Marty? The Devils are a bunch of dysfunctional morons in their own zone, all of them literally standing still with their arms pinned to their sides, and finally Cheechoo kicks the puck into the net to get what looks like a 2-goal lead. Pookie: “Jesus Christ. We just gave up a goal to Jonathan Cheechoo? That’s pathetic.” A lengthy review ensues, though, and the Devils get bailed out by the War Room, as the goal is considered to have been kicked in and is waved off.

2:04 Niedermayer (the Lesser) and Mike Fisher take a faceoff. Pookie: “Those two are like the ferrymen to Old NHLer Island.” Schnookie: “You know what’s great about that? Mike Fisher isn’t even old.” Pookie: “I know, but doesn’t he seem like a guy I should be really tired of hearing about?”

1:18 Oh, good thing we bothered having that Cheechoo goal waved off, because the Senators take almost no time at all to get it back. Mottau (it’s always Mottau, isn’t it?) gets a rebound on his stick right in front of the net, opts to make the high-percentage play of blindly flinging the puck straight up the middle, finds Spezza with his pass, and Spezza blows a shot through Marty. 2-0 Senators. It hasn’t even been a full period yet, and this game has become vomitously interminable.

0:00 Honestly, that was despicable.


Googly Devils Logo


18:32 When the period started, Doc did his usual bookkeeping announcement of there being no carry-over penalties from the previous period. Schnookie: “Yeah, but I bet there’s plenty of carry-over suck.” Now, after 90 seconds of the Senators staging a shooting gallery in the New Jersey zone, the Devils are proving us right.

16:20 Chico thinks this might be the Devils’ big break – a too many men penalty on the Senators. Boomer: “See, they’re going to get right back in this!” Pookie: “Yeah. If losing by one goal instead of two is ‘right back in it’.” Doc opts now to dryly point out that the Devils are 0-for-24 on the PP over their last nine games. Those numbers seem low. Surely it’s been a lot more fruitless power plays over a lot more games.

14:59 The PP is being just as shitty as you’d expect, but Chico tries to drum up some rah-rah attitude by explaining that all you need to be successful on the PP is “hunger as well as skill.” Pookie: “There you go, guys. They’re just ‘hunger and skill’ away from being right back in it.”

14:20 Make that 0-for-25 over ten games now.

13:07 The Devils are failing to keep the Senators from playing keep-away in the Ottawa zone while Doc is apologizing profusely for misleading us. It turns out the Devils are actually on a 1-for-25 run on the PP, because they scored with the man advantage on the Island the other day. Well that makes it all better.

11:57 It’s the point in the game where Doc and Chico are assessing the game-blowing interception by Brett Favre last Sunday. No, they’re not missing anything hockey-wise.

11:05 Everyone roars back to life for a second when Davis leaves the puck behind while attempting to skate out of the slot, but the momentary excitement fades when it’s Cheechoo who scoops it up for a great scoring chance. It’s reassuring, after our panic in the first that the Devils had given up a goal to him, to see him shoot well wide.

9:10 We believe we’ve mentioned here before that we are ardent fans of the great television show Make It Or Break It. If you’re not familiar with it, MIOBI is a soapy teen show about gymnasts, and it rocks. So anyway, last night’s episode featured the heroines performing in a gymnastics expo, and when they grumble about having to participate in it, their coach explains that their preparation for the event is going “to be all about fun. F-U-N.” Needless to say, this prompted a lot of jokes about how Lemaire was saying that to the Devils, only a bit more like, “Today’s practice is all about fun. D-E-F-E-N-S-E.” Or “S-O-U-N-D D-E-F-E-N-S-I-V-E P-O-S-I-T-I-O-N-I-N-G.” Now we’re hoping their next practice will be about fun. B-A-G S-K-A-T-E.

6:34 That weird Davis kid gets the puck behind the Senators net, spins, and falls over. Pookie: “Well, Davis has a tornado move of his own.” Schnookie: “What has that ever gotten any of the Devils?” Pookie: “At least we know he’ll fit in.”

4:13 It’s sometimes really hard to fathom why we bother watching when the Devils are playing like this. Spezza taps a shot in off a great diagonal pass across the zone. The best part is that he’s being “defended” by Mottau while doing it, which means he just has to stand there and put his stick between Mottau’s feet to easily put the puck into the net without any kind of impediment or hindrance from Mottau. It’s almost hypnotic how bad it is. 3-0 Senators.

2:45 Schnookie: “Is this going to be the night we finally just don’t watch the third period?” As if on cue, play is stopped thanks to some kind of fracas behind the play, and when the camera catches up with the scuffle, it turns out to be Peters standing all lunkishly over a fallen Ruutu, possibly thinking that this is finally going to be the time that pesky guy fights him to even up the roughing penalty he’s already taken. It’s like Charlie Brown thinking Lucy’s finally not going to pull the football away. It wouldn’t be quite so galling that he’s a terrible hockey player if he wasn’t also so fucking stupid about it. Yeah, this would be the night we finally just don’t watch the third period.

0:00 Did it suddenly become April and no one told us?


We got up and walked away, and didn’t miss anything.

Read Full Post »

We feel like we’ve been very divorced from the Devils lately, what with missing the Islanders game on MLK Day, then being out late this Friday and Saturday for the Montreal and Islanders (redux) games. Maybe absence makes the heart grow fonder, though? Probably not. Anyway, here’s our take on the state of the Devils, as seen from far, far away.

1. EJGRgunner made the great point after last night’s game that Zach has apparently taken the Fuck This Shit torch from Langer. And Langer has given it up without a fight. The “C” might still be on Langer’s sweater, but the true Captain Fuck This Shit of the Devils is now Zach. This doesn’t really come as a surprise, considering that Zach is ten times the player Langer is, but still. It merits mention that, from a million miles away where we’re standing, it seems to have happened this week.

2. We may or may not have mentioned in this space that we are participating in a group project on Flickr called sixty-four colors, where the assignment is to take pictures of a specific color every week, as chosen by random draw from a box of 64 Crayola crayons. This week (our first in the project), the color was sea green. Now, we assumed we’d fail, because who the hell ever sees anything that’s sea green? As it turns out, though, as soon as you start looking, there’s sea green everywhere. Likewise, ever since Zubrus got hurt we’ve moved Mike Mottau to the top of our list of guys we are most likely to forget are Devils. We never, ever, ever noticed him. Then, a couple weeks ago, Pam mentioned in the comments here that he was the player she was most eagerly anticipating getting to the end of his contract. Since then, the only thing we can ever see about the Devils is how much he sucks. Mike Mottau being a terrible hockey player is like the sea green of the NHL.

3. As has been well-documented here, we’re pretty down on the whole NHL-involvment-in-the-Olympics thing. One of the reasons why is we’re always very sure a key Devil is going to get hurt playing in what is essentially an all-star exhibition tournament.* This year we were getting big time vibes that Elias was going to be the one to pull a groin or get a high ankle sprain or break a forearm (which in our experience is the most horrible, unhealable hockey injury ever). So what do the hockey gods do? They go and give Patty a concussion well before the all-star exhibition tournament even starts so we can’t even blame it on the stupid old Olympics. (*We’re all about all-star exhibition tournaments, just not when they interrupt the regular NHL season; if the NHL brought back the World Cup we’d be first in line to buy tickets. OK, maybe not buy tickets, but we’d be all over watching it. Think about it, NHL. You know you want us being all over watching hockey in the summertime.)

4. Speaking of the most horrible, unhealable hockey injuries ever, we miss Paulie Martin. The Devils are pretty good at initially recovering from going down a key player, but it’s like everyone’s decided Paulie is never, ever walking through that door ever again, so it’s not worth trying to play well until he comes back.

5. Is anyone even sure Yann Danis is still alive? Because it seems to us like maybe he died by accident a month or so ago, and the Devils just don’t want anyone to know. They’re being all like, “Oh, he’s still with the team. He’s still an important part of the team! He’s totally alive and a key player on our roster. He’s gonna play tonight, in fact. That’s how alive and part of this team he is. Playing tonight. For reals. Totally.” Then, an hour later, they’re like, “Uh, he, uh… got stuck in traffic. He’s not gonna be able to play tonight. Um… *shifty eyes*… he’ll be back tomorrow. Or the day after. Something like that.”

Read Full Post »

Older Posts »