We can only assume that people from all corners of the blogosphere are flocking to IPB right now to find out our official feelings about our, um, beloved team jumping into the crazy world of high-stakes rental players. Needless to say, we were not happy when we first heard the news. Hey, we’re Devils fans. We don’t believe in guys like Ilya Kovalchuk. But as reality set in with a dull, throbbing ache, we started to do what we do best: look for a silver lining. (Shut up!) So what’s good about this trade? Let’s see…
— We hear this guy can score goals. We suppose that’s good, since the Devils are terrible at scoring goals. And it’s especially good now that his new teammates don’t know how to play defense either. Those 4-0 types of losses will go down a lot easier when they’re 4-2.
— Chico has gone off on Kovalchuk in Devils/Thrashers games this season more than we’ve ever heard him criticize any other player. Hell, he’s been harsher on Kovalchuk this year than he’s been on all other opposing players he’s commented on in his broadcasting career, combined. Chico seems to hate Ilya Kovalchuk. We can’t wait to hear him try to subvert that as he tries to explain how some goal-giving-up shitty backcheck really wasn’t a bad thing, as he is wont to do for all guys in red and black.
— We’re under the impression this guy is not really True Devil material (we know, it’s shocking). This trade will be like a living Choose Your Own Adventure, as Future Captain Zach is faced with a constant battle of good vs. evil influences. His mettle will be tested, but there’s potential that like the Marine battling that weird rock monster, Zach will emerge as even more of a True Devil than he is now. Let’s just hope Kovalchuk’s insidious disinclination towards defense and team play won’t turn Zach to the
Sykora dark side.
— Being able to say “we called it!” is always fun. When it became apparent that the trade was a done deal but the Devils side wasn’t public yet, Pookie said, “Classic Lou would be Kovalchuk for Patrice Cormier.” We called it! (*tiny voices* If you ignore that whole Oduya thing.)
— We got Batshit-Crazy Salmela back!
— Kovalchuck rhymes with Chuck the Duck. It’s the little things that keep us coming back for more from this team.
— We hate to say this, but someone has to: the Devils have become utterly predictable over the last few years. We know, this too is shocking. So while we loathe, with every fiber in our beings, the notion of giving up anything more than, like, fourth-round picks for rental players, we have to admit that this trade is at least something unexpected. So instead of seeing the same old fucking shit every night from the Devils until April, now we’ll get to see, at worst, some new fucking shit!
— The top story tomorrow night when the Devils play the Maple Leafs (again) will NOT be Brian Burke and/or Dion Phaneuf. This is perhaps all the justification Lou needs.
–Finally, the brilliant and handsome don was able to offer a perspective on the trade that we hadn’t considered:
lou has the hots for kovalchuck…kinda like a 1930s b/w flick on TCM where a middle aged (or beyond) guy kibbee is infatuated with a young chorus girl…
How can we not love a trade that casts Lou in that kind of light?
Oh, Lou. You devil! (See what we did there?)
We think we’ve figured out how this trade happened. We think all the GMs were called into an Atlanta-area church basement, where they sat down with their rosters spread out on gameboards. The air became increasingly charged as the trade pieces were drawn from the big tumbler and announced into the tinny microphone. Sweat beaded on the assembled GMs’ brows.
“A reasonably good — but possibly overrated thanks to the defensive system he plays in — defenseman who is under contract…”
“A rookie who seems to already be settling into his sophomore slump…”
“A prospect who has been banned from his league for repeated attempted murders…”
“A low first-round draft pick…”
Suddenly David Conte turned to Lou and started whispering feverishly into his ear. Lou looked concerned, perhaps even disbelieving. They conferred in hushed tones while the other GMs started to tremble. Could it be…? Is it possible…?
Lou double-checked his board.
Conte beamed smugly.
Then, Lou raised his hand and shouted, “BINGO! I’ve got Waddell Bingo!”