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Archive for April, 2011

…who think of this video whenever concussion-prone guys (*cough*Gagne*cough*) get another concussion?

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So we’re all sweltering in the too-humid confines of stately IPB Manor, and we’re watching ’80s TV shows on DVD, and we’re sitting down for dinner at 7:45 because there’s no hockey to dictate our meal schedule… When did it become summertime?

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Since Gulitti has scored such a major hit with his Zach Q&A over on Fire & Ice, we decided to conduct our own Q&A with a member of the Parise household. But Zach was busy answering questions for the F&I readers, so we turned our attention to the one and only Boxworthy. The following includes the questions exactly as we asked them, and the answers exactly as Boxworthy gave them. The only change is that we weren’t able to recreate his sturdy, attractive cursive writing.

Can you swim?

No. I am a turtle of the land. Many of my cousins, though, are excellent swimmers.

Can Zach swim?

Master Zach is a very effective man.

You mentioned your water-loving cousins. Are any of them turtles-of-affairs-of-the-sea?

Yes. I come from a long line of turtles-of-affairs, in all elements. If the -Worthy clan could grow wings, we would be turtles-of-affairs-of-the-sky. It is something of a family business. If you have ever enjoyed a Jacques Cousteau documentary, you have seen some of the work of my esteemed great-great grand-uncle, Aquaworthy.

Zach’s Q&A has been a very popular feature on Fire & Ice. How much did you contribute to that?

I daren’t speak of the master’s creative process.

Not just a little?

I relent, but just to illustrate what a great mind and a great man he is.

Oh, of course.

The process is quite complex and detail-oriented, like Master Zach himself. We start by receiving the questions from Mr. Gulitti via intermail-of-the-webs, and I then transcribe them in longhand onto foolscap. Master Zach loves the feel of foolscap when he is contemplating interview questions. I then make a second copy, so there is one for him to hold whilst contemplating, and one for me to read aloud from. I then read him the questions and he spends several days pondering. His preferred method for pondering is to stand at his study window, heavy velvet drapes pulled back to reveal the sprawling gardens below, and grasp either the foolscap or the lapels of his dressing coat while staring, firm-jawed, into the middle distance. After several days of self-study, he will call me into his study, I will pour him a brandy, and we will proceed to take dictation. I take notes in fluent shorthand as Master Zach gives answers, self-edits, corrects, and continues his contemplation. Once he is satisfied with his responses I transcribe the notes into longhand, which I will then dictate to Master Zach as he types, hunt-and-peck style, the answers into his intermail-of-the-webs. I am afraid that I have not yet mastered the computer arts.

That’s quite a process.

It is no more involved than preparing the master’s breakfast.

There’s a lot of concern among Devils fans about Zach’s contract status and long-term future in New Jersey. Will you ever be a free agent, and if you did, would you consider working for someone other than Zach?

Master Zach frequently reminds me that my contract is no one’s concern but his. I am not ever worried for my employment, however, because of Master Zach’s lifelong priorities. Ever since he was a child, Master Zach was afraid of two things: going to jail, and having to put on his dressing coat by himself in the morning. I excel at ensuring he is never confronted by either of those horrid possibilities, and he is most appreciative. I have never allowed the thought of working with another master to cross my mind.

Zach has seemed very personable and good-natured in the Fire & Ice Q&As. Is that an accurate read of the real Zach?

Yes, quite. He has very much enjoyed interacting with the fans of the Devils in this exercise, and frequently stops in his typing to give a dazzling smile, perhaps hoping it will convey across the internet-of-the-web.

Hm. His smile is dazzling indeed.

I help him with that. He has a daily smile workout that ensures that he maintains an optimal ratio of teeth to lip, a proper depth of dimple, and an appropriate wattage of eye-twinkle. I am his coach and trainer in these exercises, using advanced mathematical and technical means to measure his smile maintenance.

Don’t tell us you use calipers to measure the rictus and dimple.

Why should I not tell you that? It is the truth, after all.

Zach mentioned in his Q&A that he doesn’t like to pay much for his haircuts. We would have thought hair-cutting might fall under your long list of job duties.

In fact, most turtles-of-affairs are not required to style hair, but young Master Zach has always been most, shall I say careful, about having each individual hair cut just so. He has yet to find a stylist in New Jersey that can give his follicles the attention each deserves, and thus, I have to step in to fill the void. As this is not part of my long list of job duties, Master Zach gives me a small stipend outside of my normal compensation.

What, does he give you an extra piece of lettuce?

My, what wits you have. No, he gives me a comp ticket to any Devils matinee against the Panthers of Florida.

During the off-season, Zach works on things he needs to improve. Do you work on making yourself even more attuned to Zach’s needs, or do you work on your weaknesses, such as your slowness?

I did not realize my normal-for-a-turtle speed was a weakness, but thank you for pointing that out. I will surely endeavor to increase my velocity when moving from point A to point B. As for the off-season, I generally am so busy attending to Master Zach’s needs that I do not have time for self-improvement, unless Master Zach requires I make immediate changes to my daily job performance, such as when I needed to improve the technique of using my natural camouflage to move Master Zach’s golf ball out of a rough patch on the golfing course unseen.

Speaking of speed, have you heard the one about the snail that was mugged by two turtles?!

Yes. Several times. How droll.

Right. Well. Um… Say, if you’d like to be faster, may we suggest little tiny rollerskates?

I would rather you didn’t.

Scratch that! No little tiny rollerskates. One normal-sized rollerskate!

Ahem.

Zach probably likes your speed just the way it is.

Yes, it does help to make him feel faster.

A confident Zach is an effective Zach.

As I said, he is a very effective man.

Do you ever want to punch Jeeves in the face?

Who?

Never mind.

I shan’t.

Well, we know you’re a very busy turtle, Boxworthy, so we won’t keep you from assisting Zach any longer. Thank you so much for your time and thoughtful answers.

Thank you. It was my pleasure.

Give our regards to Zach.

He would prefer I did not.

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April 23 2011

Butter lambs.

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Dear Gomer,

I’’m thinking about installing a sprinkler system. What factors do I need to consider?

— Doug, Talledaga, AL

Dear Doug,

The first factor to consider is how much money you’re going to get for installing the sprinkler. If you’re not making twice as much as you know you should, don’t do it. If you can get the dough, then you need to consider how much blame will be sent your way when you install it wrong. If your nagging wife or nosy neighbors or stupid HOA is going to put up a fuss about how the sprinkler heads fire water pellets at people who walk by instead of watering the plants, then say “fuck it” and let that lawn die.

— Gomer

Dear Gomer,

I enjoy collecting inexpensive vintage postcards that I find at flea markets and yard sales, as I am decorating on a budget, as so many people are these days. Do you have any suggestions for ways I could display them that would look attractive without breaking the bank?

— Stacy, Waterford, CT

Dear Stacy,

Are you kidding? Inexpensive? On a budget? Without breaking the bank? Quit wasting my time.

— Gomer

Dear Gomer,

I recently hosted a successful cocktail party — maybe a bit too successful. What’s the best way to get red wine stains out of a tan carpet?

— Jessie, Rockford, IL

Dear Jessie,

Look, red wine stains are really hard to get out of a light-colored carpet. That’s going to take a lot of work. A LOT. And I bet this wasn’t your fault at all. So why are you trying to do something to fix it? Make the asshole who spilled the wine at your party take care of it.

— Gomer

Dear Gomer,

I have several small heirloom jewelry items that I keep more for sentimental value than to wear, as they are not my style. Do you have any storage or display tips?

— Alice, Fort Collins, CO

Dear Alice,

If the jewelry is small, I just throw it out.

— Gomer

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Dear Looch,

How far is too far in advance to make pies for Thanksgiving?

— Colleen, Colorado Springs, CO

Dear Colleen,

Looch not eat any pies older than number of fingers Looch can count so Looch suggest not making pies more than four years before Thanksgiving. Looch think four years gives mud juuuust enough time to bake properly while still being able to scrape off rock in once piece. Colleen make Looch drool with pie question! How soon is Thanksgiving? One… Two… Three… Four… LOOCH CONFUSED!

— Looch

Dear Looch,

Sometimes my fudge turns out gritty. What am I doing wrong?

— Margaret, Waco, TX

Dear Margaret,

Looch giggle. Looch not able to stop giggling. TEE HEE HEE. Looch suggest bran muffin. TEE HEE HEE.

— Looch

Dear Looch,

Do you have any fun suggestions for egg-dying crafts that kids can enjoy?

— Terese, Syracuse, NY

Dear Terese,

Looch love eggs. Looch love dye. Looch not able to combine two loves. Looch keep smashing. Looch not mean to smash. Where pretty egg go? Looch make colorful eggshell crumble. It make Looch’s cake look like ass. But Looch’s hands look so pretty.

— Looch
Dear Looch,

Is there an easy way to remove wrinkles from sheets? Bed linens are so large, it’s hard to iron them properly.

— Helene, Grover’s Mill, ME

Dear Helene,

Why Helene scared of hard work? Hard work get Looch ahead in life. If Helene not prepared to iron big bed linens, Looch suggest Helene use small bed linens. Or Looch suggest Helene use what Looch use — night sky. Night sky never need ironing. Night sky sparkles so pretty. Night sky sparkles like shiny rocks smashed by Big Looch In Sky.

— Looch

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Victory Euro Mats is rolling around in his lottery riches tonight!

April 12 2011

This is going to be the best fourth-overall pick ever.

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