I’’m thinking about installing a sprinkler system. What factors do I need to consider?
— Doug, Talledaga, AL
The first factor to consider is how much money you’re going to get for installing the sprinkler. If you’re not making twice as much as you know you should, don’t do it. If you can get the dough, then you need to consider how much blame will be sent your way when you install it wrong. If your nagging wife or nosy neighbors or stupid HOA is going to put up a fuss about how the sprinkler heads fire water pellets at people who walk by instead of watering the plants, then say “fuck it” and let that lawn die.
I enjoy collecting inexpensive vintage postcards that I find at flea markets and yard sales, as I am decorating on a budget, as so many people are these days. Do you have any suggestions for ways I could display them that would look attractive without breaking the bank?
— Stacy, Waterford, CT
Are you kidding? Inexpensive? On a budget? Without breaking the bank? Quit wasting my time.
I recently hosted a successful cocktail party — maybe a bit too successful. What’s the best way to get red wine stains out of a tan carpet?
— Jessie, Rockford, IL
Look, red wine stains are really hard to get out of a light-colored carpet. That’s going to take a lot of work. A LOT. And I bet this wasn’t your fault at all. So why are you trying to do something to fix it? Make the asshole who spilled the wine at your party take care of it.
I have several small heirloom jewelry items that I keep more for sentimental value than to wear, as they are not my style. Do you have any storage or display tips?
— Alice, Fort Collins, CO
If the jewelry is small, I just throw it out.