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Archive for June, 2011

Last night we had our traditional Draft Party at stately IPB Manor, with the togas and the dancing formations and the cymballs.

Last time we busted out this garb we got badly burned, but with a fourth-overall pick, there was no way this could go badly, right? Right! Look at what all our suffering from last season earned us!

June 24 2011

Insert frenzied cymball crashing here.

Deploy cymballs! Let the bacchanalia commence! We have a new best player ever, and, if the thirty seconds of Pierre McGuire we were willing to listen to last night is any indication, he is going to give us many, many orgasms. (Our actual response to Pierre’s immediate, hysterical response to the Devils’ pick — Schnookie: “Pierre just came all over him! He must be awesome!” Pookie: “This is Pierre we’re talking about. I wouldn’t read much into it.”)

It’s probably not an overreaction to say that Adam Larsson is the Best Devil EVER.

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Remember that time we married that tranny in Vegas? Remember how it was all, “No, we’re totally going to get a quickie divorce,” and then we kept not getting a quickie divorce? Remember how years went by and we stayed married to that tranny? Well, guess what. We’re still married to that tranny. The thing is, we married the tranny, not the tranny’s laundry. Our tranny isn’t orange anymore — she’s purple.

Goodbye, Flyers.

Hello Kings!

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— So we’re sitting there watching another episode of Star Trek: The Next Generation, and an alien dies sort of mysteriously. When Dr. Crusher does the autopsy, she discovers that his physiology is crazy weird compared to humans’ — because he has no distinct organs, he died because of a “complete systemic failure”. As she explains it to Picard, Pookie breaks down the science in terms we can all understand: “He died of coach-killing. We can’t definitively single out any one element, but it’s likely it could have been excessive exposure to the element Langenbrunnerium.”

— Later in the same episode Crusher starts conducting her own murder investigation on the Enterprise, and Pookie wonders, “Why don’t they have MPs?” “Yeah,” says Schnookie, “Where’s Jack Reacher?” Pause. “I would love to see Reacher in the Star Trek universe.” Pookie: “Totally! Reeeeaaaaacher! Iiiiiiinnn!!! SPAAAAAAAACE! And instead of being played by Tom Cruise, Reacher could be played by Link Hogthrob.”

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Okay, we know we have been committed the last few months to deep, exhaustive hockey analysis (haaaaaaaaahahahahahaha!), but allow us to veer off topic for just a moment. We have made a discovery that has completely blown our minds, and we want to share it with you. Behold, malted milk chocolate sauce!

June 10 2011

The recipe for this comes from “Baked: New Frontiers In Baking”*, and seriously, it has changed our lives. With an absolute minimal output of effort, you can have a fancy, delicious dessert that seems way more opulent than the amount of work you put in could ever have produced. It’s so simple and so delicious that it can almost make a person forget how much the playoffs sucked this year.

Malted Milk Chocolate Sauce

2/3 cup heavy cream
1/3 cup light corn syrup
1/4 cup chocolate malt Ovaltine
1/4 cup firmly packed light brown sugar
1/2 teaspoon salt
6 ounces good-quality milk chocolate coarsely chopped**
2 tablespoons unsalted butter
1 teaspoon pure vanilla extract

1. In a large saucepan, bring the cream, corn syrup, Ovaltine, brown sugar, salt, and 4 ounces of the chocolate to a boil over medium heat. Stir until smooth and the chocolate has melted. Reduce the heat to maintain a simmer and, stirring very slowly, cook for 5 minutes.

2. Remove from the heat and stir in the butter, vanilla, and the remaining 2 ounces chocolate. Let the sauce cool for 5 to 10 minutes before serving.

3. To store, cool the sauce completely and refrigerate in an airtight container for up to 5 days. Reheat in a microwave oven or over low heat on the stovetop or over low heat on the stovetop.

See? Super-easy! It tastes so much better than stupid poopy old Canucks/Bruins Stanley Cup Final does.

*We actually like the second “Baked” cookbook, “Baked Exploration”, more. That cookbook hasn’t had a loser in it yet. Just in case you were wondering.

**We don’t tend to have milk chocolate on hand, so we’ve made this a few times now with dark chocolate. And you know what? It’s still delicious.

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Say, have you ever seen the “Darmok” episode of Star Trek: The Next Generation? [SPOILERS!] It’s the one where the Enterprise meets an alien race that has stymied the Federation for decades and decades because they are so unintelligible. And then the alien ship kidnaps Captain Picard and beams him down to the nearest planet along with their own captain, who keeps proclaiming shit like, “Darmok and Jalad at Tanagra!” and “Shaka, when the walls fell!” and “Temba, his arms wide!” And after a few days’ ordeal trying to communicate with the alien captain, while fighting a monster that lives on the planet, Picard realizes that this seemingly gibberish-babbling race of aliens is actually communicating with metaphors from their culture. The crew of the Enterprise uses “Juliet on the balcony” as an example of human culture spoken that way to mean something romantic.

Anyway. So there we are early this evening, watering the garden, and Pookie suddenly realizes that our sunflowers, which were tiny seedlings just a few days ago, are now towering beasts. They are like mighty oaks. And to express their awesome stature and strength? She stands, arms akimbo, and bellows, “Stevens, in the neutral zone!” Ahhh, when dork worlds collide.

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