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Archive for the ‘38 Things You Don't Know’ Category

May 4 2010

1. At one point in its long history, it served as the mustache of a mid-level courtier in Tsar Alexander II’s court.

2. Davy Crockett’s coonskin cap thinks the wig hung the moon and the stars.

3. It doesn’t care if you know it’s a wig.

4. The first incarnation of the wig had strands with a tensile strength less than that of candy floss. It took fifteen crew members working with the precision of a highly-trained Formula 1 pit crew to move it to keep it from being damaged.

5. It is a pacifist, and protested the violent message of its most famous wearer. “Walker, Texas Ranger” had to keep a conflict mediator on staff to keep tensions between it and Chuck Norris low.

6. Ironically, it cannot find Texas on a map.

7. Coincidentally, when laid flat, it is shaped exactly like Texas.

8. When rolled up, i.e. in “travel mode”, it is shaped exactly like Italy.

9. It had final say on the “Walker, Texas Ranger” scripts in the final three seasons. If the show had managed to get renewed for one more season, it would have gotten a producer credit.

10. After the show was canceled, it unwound from the grind of television by living on the back of a Mongolian yak.

11. After a mishap shooting a scene involving a fireball explosion in a fender bender, it demanded the network renegotiate its contract to give it three full-time stunt doubles. Two of them were made from the pelts of stray dogs.

12. If Walker’s wig could dance a jig it would be a jig a pig could dig.

13. It hated Chuck Norris’s beard with the passion of a thousand suns. When the cameras weren’t rolling, the two refused to speak to one another.

14. It can solve a Rubik’s cube in 9 hours. This may not seem impressive, but it is a world record for wigs.

15. In 2008 it was enshrined in the Toupee Hall of Fame, which is, understandably, in a secret location.

16. It auditioned for the role of “Horned-Hat Embellishment” in Wagner’s original production of The Ring Cycle, but lost out in the final casting call to “Long Blond Braids”, a fresh-faced starlet in the wig acting world.

17. Before its humbling stint in rehab for drug and alcohol addiction, it deeply and vocally resented all of Walker’s hats. After rehab, it was better able to accept being part of a team.

18. While at a mixer at the 1717 World Hair Invitational Gala (or W.H.I.G.), it suggested to Blackbeard’s beard that it try adding sparklers to its routine to up its fear factor.

19. Its hobbies include fishing, hunting, golfing, and driving in convertibles with the top up.

20. It caused a scandal when, at the height of Walker’s popularity, it was caught on film stumbling, high on cocaine, out of Rapunzel’s Gentlehair’s Club in Atlanta, GA.

21. It thinks Ted Danson’s wig is a complete hack.

22. Ted Danson’s wig thinks it’s just jealous it doesn’t have any shows in syndication.

23. It has sailed across all the oceans, never on the same person.

24. It has been arrested on three different occasions for its role in illegal fake mustache-fighting rings.

25. It has employed a psychic to help it investigate the possibility that it was a Pharaoh’s wig in ancient Egypt in a past life.

26. One memorable Halloween, it dressed as an updo.

27. It has a master’s degree in Romantic English poetry.

28. It inspired Rothko’s “Orange, Red, Yellow”.

29. It weighs 35 pounds.

30. It once ballooned up to 78 pounds for a dinner-theater production of “Working Girl”.

31. To enhance its employment opportunities in the 21st century, it had itself digitized; it now has a state-of-the-art system that allows it to change colors with the flip of a switch. After being limited to roles that match its “golden retriever” hue in the past, now it can play anything from cornsilk to titian to raven.

32. It once spent three days in the hospital after having a balloon rubbed on it.

33. At the height of it’s “Walker, Texas Ranger” popularity it was infamous in the industry for its over-the-top demands, including having its trailer filled with yellow roses, being treated to bowls of only orange Reeses Pieces, and being brushed with only antique ivory wig combs.

34. It struggled to climb the social ladder during the 18th century because, when powdered, it still looked “golden retriever”.

35. Due to crippling fears of its recurring nightmare about wind tunnels, it developed an addiction to sleeping pills in the late ’80s.

36. It can sense sadness.

37. It developed its own discipline of head-only martial arts.

38. It can’t swim.

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1. The Ducks are still going to win the President’s Trophy. They are going to have a shocking last three quarters of the season.

2. Phil Kessel has written in his diary that he plans to score 700 goals this year for the Leafs. Needless to say, Brian Burke secretly reads all of his players’ diaries, and he totally believes that Kessel shouldn’t have any trouble accomplishing this plan.

3. Scott Clemmensen blamed everyone else on the Panthers for his lousy goaltending thus far, but the real reason for it (beside the fact that he’s not a very good goaltender) is that he’s lost his focus because he spends his games wondering if Team USA has called to ask him to start for them at the Olympics yet. He is considering carrying his cell phone out on the ice with him, just so he can take the call in person when it comes.

4. We have purchased the Phoenix Coyotes for just four easy installments of $49.95. We promised Gary Bettman that we wouldn’t relocate them, but that was a lie — we’re planning to move them to New Jersey, where they will play under our Christmas tree, as a gift to Boomer. It’s the sort of once-in-a-lifetime gift-giving opportunity that a true hockey fan can’t resist.

5. The tiff that resulted in a Flames player shouting “you’re selfish” to Dion Phaneuf was the result of Robyn Regher wishing to let all his teammates try his new recipe for Jungle Party Nuts, an homage to the Brazilian snack he loved as a child.

6. Vinny Lecavalier isn’t just having a slump. He’s having a Hooters Baby. Or, perhaps more accurately, a Mrs. Thunderbug Baby.

7. Milan Lucic would have you believe his broke his finger doing something cavemanly like fighting or clubbing baby seals, but the truth is, he broke it wrestling with Fancylynne, his pet hermit crab.

8. Scott Gomez can’t figure out why everyone in his new city talks funny.

9. His new city can’t figure out why he can’t play responsible defense.

10. Craig Anderson is actually being played this season by identical triplets named Craig, Chris and Conrad. Craig by himself is only one third as good as the entity currently known as “Craig Anderson”.

11. Linda Staal had a curse placed on her by a mysterious crone 30 years ago. The curse was that she would bear strapping sons who would all see great early success in their chosen fields, but would quickly suffer steep declines, taking their coworkers down with them. It’s happening already with Hooters and the Canes, so the Pens and Rangers should probably start worrying that they’re next.

12. Carol Niedermayer had a curse placed on her by a mysterious crone 45 years ago. The curse was that she would bear strapping sons who would see great success in their chosen fields, but they would both be doomed to finish their professional lives in North Jersey. It’s happening already.

13. Scott Niedermayer has been wearing a Devils sweater under his Ducks one all this time. But we still hate him anyway.

14. The Minnesota Wild have been tanking this season in protest about Pierre McGuire not being hired for their GM position.

15. Zach Parise had a curse place on him by a mysterious crone yesterday. The curse is he’s never going to score again.

16. Ryan Getzlaf is planning to time the release date of his debut album, “Getzi Warbles: The Voice Of An Angel”, with the Olympic gold medal game. He is hoping that Team Canada will not make it that far in the tournament, so he can be in Regina for the release party.

17. A scientific study based in Stockholm studied the meekest of the meek and discovered, without a smidgen of doubt, that Jonathan Toews is the single most pick-on-able human on the face of the Earth.

18. There are no fewer than six NHLers with tattoos of unicorns. Remarkably, Jonathan Toews is not one of them.

19. Until he read #17 on this list, Toews had an appointment to get a unicorn tattooed on his bicep over the Olympic break.

20. The reason for Ryan Miller’s remarkable start to this season is that he finally got the joke of the play on words “Miller Time”. He now chortles to himself every time he puts on his mask, and has discovered that he plays better when his frown has been turned upside down. He is considering unveiling a new play on words for the playoffs, something like “Miller Lite”, which could be a joke about how much weight he loses during the course of a season.

21. Jeff Carter is among those wishing the Coytoes would relocate; he finds the lack of Fuddruckers establishments in the Phoenix GMA makes it a troubling city to play in.

22. The Sharks had high hopes for what Dany Heatley would bring to the table on the ice, but have been pleasantly surprised at what he’s brought off the ice — namely, the Senators’ traditional season-long, ongoing Tiddlywinks tourney. All of the Sharks players give him the credit for their excellent team-building, but he demurs that he is nowhere near as good a Tiddlywinks organizer as Jason Spezza.

23. Mike Richards will join the Twitter masses as soon as he can get an army of ghost-writers who will write pithy jabs at Holmgren in exchange for free Kenora Township garbage tags.

24. Anze Kopitar is a distant relative of Jay Pandolfo’s, by marriage.

25. Shea Weber’s father wanted to name him “Sean”, but his mother wanted to name him “Xerxes”. That’s why his middle name is “Shxerxesan”.

26. Ryan Miller isn’t convinced that “Shxerxesan” isn’t a play on words.

27. The popularity of Movember is well documented among hockey teams this year, but the Devils plan to blow everyone’s minds with their own 11th-month facial hair plan next year. The team will continue to follow team rules and thus will celebrate “No-vember”.

28. Ryan Miller isn’t convinced that “No-vember” isn’t a play on words.

29. Making fun of Ryan Miller is like picking low-hanging fruit.

30. Ryan Miller is very confident “low-hanging fruit” is a play on words.

31. Steven Stamkos is a figment of everyone’s imagination. The easiest way to defend against him is to say directly to his face, “You have no power over me.”

32. At the recent GM meetings, three of the GMs participating in a secret ballot voted for more head shots in the NHL.

33. Fabian Brunnstrom had an action-packed summer vacation. While thumbing through a box of discounted sheet music at an antiquarian book store in Europe, he discovered a note scrawled on what appeared to be an original libretto for “Le Nozze Di Figaro” that hinted at a shocking secret, hundreds of years old. The note led him to team up with Athena Thwakwalker, a long-legged, raven-haired musicologist from the University of Austria, in a race against time and the Operati to save humankind from a terrible evil. He was able to save the world and get the girl before training camp begun. (And he bought an original libretto of “Figaro” at a bargain basement price because the bumbling shopkeeper didn’t know what treasure he was selling.)

34. John Tavares’s addiction to saltwater taffy could very well be his undoing.

35. It is purely coincidence, but every single player on the Thrashers roster is terrified of amphibians.

36. While discussing innovative ways to increase revenue to help pay for some of their massive player contracts, Red Wings management put serious thought into introducing a third color so as to be able to make a snazzy third jersey. The choices came down to “Sea Pine”, “Lavender Mist”, and “Electro-Cobalt”, before cooler heads prevailed.

37. Duncan Keith cheats at Bananagrams.

38. In researching this post, we discovered that TJ Oshie, if he could be any animal, would be a unicorn (scroll down to the Q&A at the bottom of the page). That doesn’t mean that he’s one of the six or more players with unicorn tattoos, though. But it also doesn’t mean he isn’t.

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1-2-3 Hockey: 39 of 39

September 30 2009

After months of talking about it, we finally tried our hands at homemade Devils logo bokeh, to celebrate the start of the hockey season tomorrow.

Instead of a crankypantsy season preview for you, Gentle Reader, we are presenting an exclusive peek behind the scenes of this year’s Devils. That’s right, it’s 38 Things You Don’t Know About The 2009-2010 Devils!

1. Zach Parise doesn’t actually know how to play cribbage. He just moves his peg on the board as many space as Travis did on his turn, and then adds five more.

2. Jacques Lemaire is waiting until he’s on his deathbed to admit that he did, in fact, intend to kill hockey. It will not, however, come as a surprise when he makes the confession.

3. Brian Rolston thinks he’s better than you at everything.

4. Brendan Shanahan is on the Devils roster again this year. [ETA: Or, um, not.]

5. Bryce Salvador is in the process of legally changing his name to The Iron Boar.

6. Rob Niedermayer isn’t sure who is scamming whom in this Rob Niedermayer/Lou Lamoriello relationship.

7. Rob Neidermayer isn’t sure who is who in the Rob Nediermaeyr/Lou Lamoriello relationship. In fact, he thinks in that relationship he might be Tycho Brahe.

8. Yann Danis is smizing.

9. Scott Stevens does not know what smizing is.

10. Egg Pelly has dead eye.

11. Larry Robinson cursed this franchise.

12. Last year we correctly predicted Brian Rolston’s goal total, but incorrectly predicted that Vincent Lecavalier would be captain of the Devils. We will not make that same mistake twice. This year’s new future captain of the New Jersey Devils is Duncan Keith.

13. Bobby Holik is planning on making a midseason return to the NHL this year. At the rate he’s going, Lou seems likely to sign him.

14. Patrik Elias’s groin will remain wonky until the Devils trainers allow Patty to get back on his foecal oyster diet.

15. Jamie Langerbrunner spent his summer having the crotch taken in on his crankypants.

16. Johnny Oduya’s off-season home is an exact replica of Dr. No’s volcanic lair.

17. If all goes according to plan, Nicklas Bergfors will complete his correspondence-school certification as a court reporter by the end of February.

18. Colin White thinks the “C” on Jamie Langenbrunner’s sweater stands for “choker”. When he told him as much, Langer tried to start a fight over it, but ultimately decided it wasn’t worth battling the truth.

19. Jacques Lemaire already has his costume picked out for the team’s mandatory Halloween Bag Skate Party. Ahoy, Captain Bligh!

20. Travis Zajac thinks he has a great idea for his costume for the team’s mandatory Halloween Bag Skate Party, but he’s not quite sure how dress as a sexy first-round playoff loss.

21. Zach Parise’s invite to the team’s mandatory Halloween Bag Skate Party will go missing thanks to a turtle butler being nervous about being mistaken for a bobbing apple again.

23. Scott Stevens wants you to think he’s taking notes while watching games. He isn’t.

24. The Devils were the NHL’s first choice to appear in this year’s Winter Classic. Making it happen, though, would have been a logistical nightmare, as many of the Devils players are severely allergic to playing in televised hockey games.

25. David Clarkson wants to petition the league to change his name to David Wraparound. If his application is denied, he’d like to change it to Wraparound Wraparound. If that doesn’t work, he’ll try out Wraparound Dos-Tres.

26. Mike Mottau wear black shoes with brown pants.

27. Andrew Peters wears brown shoes with black pants.

28. In the comfort of his own home, Paulie Martin wears brown shoes with no pants.

29. Martin Brodeur is not going to bother learning the name of his new head coach, although he thinks he may have met that guy somewhere before.

30. Pierre-Luc Letourneau-Leblond thinks “Emrick” is a name like falling down the stairs.

31. Jay Pandolfo is nervous and excited about embarking on his new solo career.

32. Mario Tremblay can’t wait to run Marty Brodeur out of town. He keeps walking up to Marty and saying, “Finish this sentence: ‘This is my last game in…'”

33. Ilkka Pikkarainen is imaginary.

34. Andy Greene always calls dibs on the seat in the very back of the bus, in the hopes that it will earn him some currency with the cool kids. Zach Parise always calls dibs on the seat right next to the head coach. The cool kids try not to make eye contact with him when they file past him to hang out with Greene.

35. If there is a banana peel on the ground anywhere in the world, Dainius Zubrus will find it and slip on it.

36. Paulie Martin thinks it’s hilarious that the team is out of shape.

37. The team thinks it’s hilarious that Paulie Martin has no finish.

38. The Devils are going to surprise no one by not winning the Atlantic Division this year.

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A while back we published a shocking list of 38 things you don’t know about Sid Crosby. In order to drum up a bit more interest in this godforsaken Stanley Cup Finals, we decided to do some investigating and come up with a similarly shocking and similarly numbered list of things you don’t know about tomorrow’s Game 7. We’re not trying to start any kind of trouble or ensnare anyone in any scandals — we’re just trying to bring the truth to light.

(Unrelated to this list, but related to Game 7, we’d like to thank Tyler from The Triple Deke for asking us to pen a guest post about our experiences with SCF Game 7s. The Triple Deke is a wonderful blog, and if you’d like to read our post, you can find it here.)

1. If you rub a balloon on Zetterberg’s beard for five minutes, you can use the ensuing static electricity to power a 75 watt lightbulb for the length of the first intermission.

2. There are only 39 things you don’t know about Sid Crosby, and we’ve already told you 38 of them.

3. Kirk Maltby revs himself up for games by reading the Oconee County phone book.

4. Joe Sakic contacted a lawyer in the hopes of suing the Red Wings over the term “Joe Vision”; Sakic had been planning to unveil a brand of signature glasses frames under the name “Joe Vision” in July.

5. Bill Guerin is quite literally a “pea-brain”. His brain stem terminates in a pea. The rest of his cranial cavity is filled with sawdust.

6. Prior to stepping in late in the season to guide an NHL team to the Stanley Cup Finals, Dan Bylsma’s greatest accomplishment was successfully inventing device to keep bananas from bruising in brown bag lunches.

7. Brian Rafalski stole a Scott Stevens sweater from the dressing room before leaving NJ. He keeps it in a mahogany box hidden under his bed, and whenever he’s feeling down in the mouth, he puts the sweater on, poses in front of the mirror, and asks his reflection, “Who’s a pretty boy? Who’s a pretty boy?”

8. Whenever Doc Emrick’s mic is turned off, he silently weeps for what hockey broadcasting has become.

9. Darren Helm is hot. No really, you probably don’t know this, because you’re so tired of hearing him lauded as being the greatest hockey player to ever breathe that you instinctively ascribe entirely negative attributes to him.

10. When Troy Crosby heard Rob Scuderi’s new nickname, he used his superstar son’s money to purchase every jigsaw puzzle for sale in the greater Pittsburgh metro area. He then arranged them in the shape of the Rbk logo, set it alight, and giggled as the bonfire burned.

11. Hal Gill has an actual medical condition that prevents him from ever doing anything right. He caught it from Marc-Andre Fleury, who has a rare intermittent case of it.

12. When asked, none of the players involved in the Stanley Cup Finals could correctly locate Chile on a world map.

13. It’s all a conspiracy against both teams. All of it.

14. Maxime Talbot hopes to quit his day job as soon as he can make a decent living off his Etsy shop.

15. The Devils played cribbage during their playoff “run”, the Hawks let loose with Wii MarioKart, and the Wings spent their downtime playing Trouble. That is, until Kronwell obliterated the little plastic dome that houses the dice. Lidstrom suggested they simply roll the dice to continue the game, but at that point, the spell was broken.

16. Kris Letang has a fillet of penguin in his freezer.

17. Ray Shero is terrified of ice.

18. Chris Chelios has also forgotten that he exists.

19. NBC is losing considerable amounts of money on this game because their permit to use Mike Milbury in public expired on Wednesday; the extension fees for a Milbury permit are designed to be exorbitant enough to discourage anyone from applying for one. This is one of very few financial burdens the network failed to shunt onto the NHL in the fine print of their broadcast agreement.

20. Win or lose, Henry and Linda Staal still love Jordan third-best of all their sons.

21. Miro Satan doesn’t think it would be at all funny to play for the Devils, but sadly, most of his teammates do. There have been no less than 45 man games lost by the Penguins this season as a result of injuries he has inflicted on teammates who have made the mistake of saying, “You know what would be funny? If you played for the Devils.” Satan’s explanation for his short temper is always a terse, “It’s pronounced differently, jackass.”

22. Nick Lidstrom’s testicle has long wished that it was the center of attention, so it’s delighted at the recent media kerfuffle about it.

23. There are concerns in the Pittsburgh front offices that Sid Crosby will not be able to play well, as he’s announced behind closed doors that he’s “waiting for Game 87 to make [his] statement.” No amount of explanation of how the playoff format works seems to have made a dent.

24. That giant cartoon-esque octopus’s arms are getting very sore from holding that pose all season. It can’t wait for the series to end so it can just go out behind the Joe to stretch and smoke a cigarette.

25. Evgeni Malkin spends six hours every day having extensive, life-like make applied to give him his trademark lumpen potato face; in actuality, he is strikingly handsome but has always been insecure about imagined flaws in his visage.

26. Pierre McGuire plans to get invited to as many of the winning players’ days with the Stanley as possible, in the hope that one of them will let him sit naked in the bowl of the Cup so he can poop in it.

27. Mike Babcock keeps a list of all the names of every pro athlete he thinks never should have been drafted. The joke’s on him, though, because several of the names on there — including, surprisingly, Brian Rafalski — weren’t drafted at all.

28. Marian Hossa can’t wait to eat that monkey.

29. Ed Olczyk has petitioned the League to allow his name to be included on the Cup if the Pens win. His grounds for inclusion are that he was “responsible for making Marc-Andre Fleury awesome.” The League hasn’t responded because they’re still not sure whether the petition was a joke.

30. The NBA has petitioned the League to allow LeBron James’s name to be included on the Cup if either team wins. If not LeBron proper, they will be satisfied with Puppet LeBron.

31. Mike Babcock has petitioned the League to allow only his name be engraved on the Cup if either team wins. If the League won’t comply, Babcock is prepared to whine his way to victory.

32. Pavel Datsyuk doesn’t know what this “candy corn” is that you speak of.

33. The GMs of both teams are beginning to believe that every rule in the CBA was devised specifically to keep them from succeeding by a cabal of shadowy League officials. Only one of those GMs is right.

34. Chris Osgood credits his surprising playoff success to his new yoga and meditation regimen. “I had literally forgotten how to play hockey,” he says in a testimonial for a Detroit-area chain of yoga schools, “but now my mind is open again and the hockey has flooded back in.” The Red Wings’ defensive system has plans to file a lawsuit against the chain of yoga schools, because it believes it deserves the credit more than the yoga does.

35. In a further attempt to have himself declared the next Scott Stevens, Brooks Orpik challenged Petr Sykora after Game 6 about the veracity of his alleged foot injury. Further proving that Orpik is no Scott Stevens, Sykora ignored him.

36. The Stanley Cup doesn’t think the whole “Mario’s swimming pool” thing was very funny, because it can’t swim.

37. The series is fixed.

38. We aren’t going to like either one of these teams more for winning. Oh, wait. You already knew that.

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We are pleased to present a very special-edition title by IPB Publishing, Inc., 38 Things You Don’t Know About Sidney Crosby. IPB Publishing, Inc is our offshoot publishing house, specializing in books bearing titles that are drawn, word-for-word, from actual search terms that were used to find IPB. In this case, just in time for the holidays, we’re delighted to give you a sneak peak of the 38 Things You Don’t Know About Sidney Crosby — if you want to learn more about one of our very favorite players than what you see here, you’ll just have to order the book.

1. Sid has never set foot in Nova Scotia. He was hatched on a mountaintop in an imaginary land high above the North Pole. He spent his formative years in hockey isolation in the clouds, only appearing on Earth for the first time on the first day of school for his year at Shattuck.

2. When he was a child Sid invented his own secret language. It had over 300 different words for “perfection”, but not a single one for “beauty”.

3. Before agreeing to his contract extension this past summer, Sid turned down three other offers from the Penguins that involved significant amounts of deferred money because he didn’t want to be burdened by unwanted ownership of a bankrupt franchise at the tail end of his career.

4. Sid has never met a Monte Cristo sandwich he hasn’t loved. Conversely, he has never met a Reuben sandwich he liked.
(more…)

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