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Archive for the ‘Ask The Experts’ Category

As I sat at my laptop in my Gucci track suit and Manolo sneakers, I couldn’t help but wonder if Henrik Lundqvist would look cuter without that stupid little white golfer’s glove he wears under his goalie glove. It’s probably filled with vaseline. I couldn’t help but think “ew”.

The End

Byline: Ookie Bradshaw

[Cue bus splashing gutter water all over Ookie Bradshaw’s bedazzled Mrs. Lamoreillo jersey]

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The other day we were discussing the Devils future over lunch and decided it’s time to start girding ourselves for the possibility of a Zachless existence. It sounds terrible, doesn’t it? What could possibly make that more sufferable? Well, Gentle Reader, you know us — we’re always thinking. And we’ve got a solution that will help not only the Devils but also another favorite team of ours.

If Lou can’t re-sign Zach, he should trade for Ryan Getzlaf. Seriously! We’d love to see Getzi getting to set up Kovalchuk. They’d be an unstoppable scoring machine, and if they weren’t that, then Getzi would be aimless, cranky, and his shirt would fall off a lot, which is almost as good. So, what would the Ducks want in exchange for their captain? Perhaps a return to their glory days of gooning their way to the Stanley Cup, right? Right! So, how can the Devils give them that? Two words: Boulton. Janssen.

WE KNOW! Genius.

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This past October we took a trip up to Buffalo and found ourselves spit-balling about the NHL with Katebits and Heather B. Among the topics of conversation were fighting and the shootout. Being the brilliant minds that we are, we quickly got to the bottom of both problems:

1. Staged fighting is stupid.
2. The shootout is here to stay but has grown a little stale.

We have no beef with caught-up-in-the-passion-of-the-moment fighting, like that awesome Getzi-on-Thorton beatdown from the playoffs a few years ago, but there’s really no place for the preening peacock style of staged fight between heavyweights in today’s NHL. Even putting aside the physical and mental health issues they pose, those fights don’t deter other players from taking liberties, rarely have any impact on the momentum of the game, and are, frankly, pretty boring. When you see your team has dressed a heavyweight, you know that it means the coach might as well just flush a roster spot down the toilet for the night. Lame!

Meanwhile, the shootout has become very predictable. Devils fans, for example, know that every shootout is going to go like this: Kovalchuck scores, Parise misses, Elias scores. Ho hum. The only fun part is watching to see if DeBoer has learned the players numbers yet when filling out the form to give the referees. If the NHL isn’t going to replace the shootout with All-Star Game-style super skills (seriously, NHL, we meant it — that would rawk!), it’s got to do something to jazz up the shootout, or else we’ll all get so jaded that we might as well just go back to the five-on-five trapping-to-get-a-tie OTs. ::shifty eyes::

Don’t worry, Gentle Reader, we have a solution! Katebits actually tweeted this at the time, but we feel like the idea is so solid that it deserves a full write up, especially in light of Brian Burke’s rant this week. Are you sitting down? Prepare to have your mind blown and your world rocked. Ready?

Instead of the coaches picking three shooters from their own team… the coaches should pick who shoots for the opposing team!

That’s right, the coaches should pick who shoots for the opposing team.

Think about it — of course the coaches would gravitate towards the worst players. Instead of seeing Kovalchuk, Parise, and Elias shoot for the Devils, the opposing coach would pick Janssen, Boulton, and, well, Tedenby. Sorry, Teddy. But here’s the thing, we want to see zany, little Tedenby trying to score in a shootout. We don’t want to see Janssen and Boulton taking shootouts. You know who else doesn’t want to see Janseen and Boulton taking shootouts? The coaching staff. How could they solve that? By not dressing Janseen and Boulton. You know who else doesn’t want to see Janssen and Boulton taking shootouts? Management. How could they solve that? By not drafting or signing players like Janssen and Boulton.

If for some reason (insanity?), the coaches and management did decide they really need enforcers, the enforcers will have the pressure of knowing the final result of the game could very well come down to their ability to score on an uncontested, staged breakaway. What are said enforcers going to do? Practice harder at being better skaters and shooters! How could that possibly be a bad thing for anyone? There’s a slight chance those skills could bleed into an actual in-game situation. Gone would be the days of ham-fisted goons! Instead we’d have, um, what’s slightly more subtle than a ham-fist? Welcome to the era of prosciutto-fisted goons!

Seriously, though, can you think of any other simple rule change that would do more to encourage teams to win in regulation than this? And if the games do go the distance, imagine how much more fun it will be to watch as a fan? We’ve all seen the best players in the game take breakaways. Won’t it be more fun to scheme over who you think would be the worst player for the other team to be forced to send out against your team’s goalie? Moreover, we all know the long shootouts are the ones that are the most fun. This set-up will undoubtedly lead to shootouts that require five or more rounds. Fans will get their money’s worth!

It’s brilliant. The only possible outcomes of instituting this rule would be any combination of the following:

1. Enforcers being forced to either become more skilled or be replaced in the lineup.
2. More games decided in regulation and overtime.
3. The shootout becoming more interesting for the fans.

NHL, the PA may have rejected your realignment plan, but there’s no way they’d reject this. Do it! You’ll thank us later.

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Dear Gomer,

I’’m thinking about installing a sprinkler system. What factors do I need to consider?

— Doug, Talledaga, AL

Dear Doug,

The first factor to consider is how much money you’re going to get for installing the sprinkler. If you’re not making twice as much as you know you should, don’t do it. If you can get the dough, then you need to consider how much blame will be sent your way when you install it wrong. If your nagging wife or nosy neighbors or stupid HOA is going to put up a fuss about how the sprinkler heads fire water pellets at people who walk by instead of watering the plants, then say “fuck it” and let that lawn die.

— Gomer

Dear Gomer,

I enjoy collecting inexpensive vintage postcards that I find at flea markets and yard sales, as I am decorating on a budget, as so many people are these days. Do you have any suggestions for ways I could display them that would look attractive without breaking the bank?

— Stacy, Waterford, CT

Dear Stacy,

Are you kidding? Inexpensive? On a budget? Without breaking the bank? Quit wasting my time.

— Gomer

Dear Gomer,

I recently hosted a successful cocktail party — maybe a bit too successful. What’s the best way to get red wine stains out of a tan carpet?

— Jessie, Rockford, IL

Dear Jessie,

Look, red wine stains are really hard to get out of a light-colored carpet. That’s going to take a lot of work. A LOT. And I bet this wasn’t your fault at all. So why are you trying to do something to fix it? Make the asshole who spilled the wine at your party take care of it.

— Gomer

Dear Gomer,

I have several small heirloom jewelry items that I keep more for sentimental value than to wear, as they are not my style. Do you have any storage or display tips?

— Alice, Fort Collins, CO

Dear Alice,

If the jewelry is small, I just throw it out.

— Gomer

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Dear Looch,

How far is too far in advance to make pies for Thanksgiving?

— Colleen, Colorado Springs, CO

Dear Colleen,

Looch not eat any pies older than number of fingers Looch can count so Looch suggest not making pies more than four years before Thanksgiving. Looch think four years gives mud juuuust enough time to bake properly while still being able to scrape off rock in once piece. Colleen make Looch drool with pie question! How soon is Thanksgiving? One… Two… Three… Four… LOOCH CONFUSED!

— Looch

Dear Looch,

Sometimes my fudge turns out gritty. What am I doing wrong?

— Margaret, Waco, TX

Dear Margaret,

Looch giggle. Looch not able to stop giggling. TEE HEE HEE. Looch suggest bran muffin. TEE HEE HEE.

— Looch

Dear Looch,

Do you have any fun suggestions for egg-dying crafts that kids can enjoy?

— Terese, Syracuse, NY

Dear Terese,

Looch love eggs. Looch love dye. Looch not able to combine two loves. Looch keep smashing. Looch not mean to smash. Where pretty egg go? Looch make colorful eggshell crumble. It make Looch’s cake look like ass. But Looch’s hands look so pretty.

— Looch
Dear Looch,

Is there an easy way to remove wrinkles from sheets? Bed linens are so large, it’s hard to iron them properly.

— Helene, Grover’s Mill, ME

Dear Helene,

Why Helene scared of hard work? Hard work get Looch ahead in life. If Helene not prepared to iron big bed linens, Looch suggest Helene use small bed linens. Or Looch suggest Helene use what Looch use — night sky. Night sky never need ironing. Night sky sparkles so pretty. Night sky sparkles like shiny rocks smashed by Big Looch In Sky.

— Looch

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