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Archive for the ‘Devils Miscellany’ Category

The other day we were discussing the Devils future over lunch and decided it’s time to start girding ourselves for the possibility of a Zachless existence. It sounds terrible, doesn’t it? What could possibly make that more sufferable? Well, Gentle Reader, you know us — we’re always thinking. And we’ve got a solution that will help not only the Devils but also another favorite team of ours.

If Lou can’t re-sign Zach, he should trade for Ryan Getzlaf. Seriously! We’d love to see Getzi getting to set up Kovalchuk. They’d be an unstoppable scoring machine, and if they weren’t that, then Getzi would be aimless, cranky, and his shirt would fall off a lot, which is almost as good. So, what would the Ducks want in exchange for their captain? Perhaps a return to their glory days of gooning their way to the Stanley Cup, right? Right! So, how can the Devils give them that? Two words: Boulton. Janssen.

WE KNOW! Genius.

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Worst Fox Ever

Mr Fox Is Fantastic

We remember back in the day, when we were wee bairns as hockey fans, hearing someone describe Jacques Lemaire (still in his first go-round with the Devils, and well before he was in the “overstaying his welcome in his first go-round with the Devils” phase of his career) as being crazy like a fox.

It’s pretty obvious that John MacLean is also crazy like a fox.

Mangy Mrs Fox

Unfortunately he’s crazy like a mangy fox that eats the bread crusts we tossed in our backyard.

In other “animals that live in and around stately IPB Manor” news, we watched “The A-Team” last night. Yes, the recent movie A-Team, not the vintage TV show A-Team. We expected it to be truly horrible, and consequently ended up being pleasantly surprised by it only being mostly horrible. Perhaps our opinions of it were skewed just a bit though, when, early in the film, Schnookie said, “I think Rollie could have written this.”

December 17 2008

Rollie, doing the stretching exercises she learned at a recent writers retreat

Pookie agreed: “Yes, I think one mildly retarded cat with 100 typewriters definitely wrote this movie.” Perhaps the Devils want to hire her to rework their playbook?

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Just before the start of this season we had big plans to invent a champagne cocktail that incorporates a Chuckles candy in honor of the bright Kovalchuk future of the Devils. We were going to style it all fancy, with a vast, Sandra Lee-esque tablescape in shades of red and black. And then we got distracted by something shiny, wandered off, and never did it. Perhaps the Hockey Gods intervened without our knowing it, though, because it seems far more apt to look beyond just the champagne drink and instead review the entirety of the still-young season in cocktail form.

The Chucklestini

Chucklestini

Fill a shaker with ice. Add 2 oz. vodka, 2 oz. cranberry juice, and 3/4 oz. cointreau, and shake well. Strain into a cocktail glass and add a black Chuckle.

The Sudsy Chuckle

Sudsy Chuckle

Angrily pour a can of beer into a beer mug, creating as much unnecessary foam as possible. Drink the beer. Garnish the dregs with a green Chuckle.

The Chuck-Two-Oh

Chuck Two Oh

To a plastic patio glass add one yellow Chuckle. Top with plain, unflavored seltzer.

The Cat’s Pajamas

Cat's Pajamas

Fill your pet cat’s bowl with tap water and set aside. When the cat has naturally added chewed-up mice to the bowl, float an orange Chuckle.

The Shallow Grave

Shallow Grave

Find a secluded patch of dirt and dig a small hole. Drop a red Chuckle into the hole and cover lightly with dirt.

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Dear NHL,

Contrary to what you might think, Columbus Day is not a holiday that is widely observed by employers in the US. Perhaps some of the games scheduled today that featured two American teams could have been saved for any of the “no games scheduled” days later this season?

Just a thought,
The Ookies

**********

Dear Tom Gulitti,

We truly think you are the greatest beat-reporter blogger in the business, and we are inclined to agree with you that Ilya Kovalchuk alone is not going to cure the Devils attendance woes. But please read the above open letter to the NHL. In light of our observations there, perhaps the attendance for today’s game should not be viewed as a definitive statement about Kovalchuk’s worthiness as a big draw.

If you’d like to stand by your statement, though, we guess you’re free to be as disingenuous as you want.

Passive-aggressively,
The Ookies

**********

Dear Tom Gulitti,

Maybe it wasn’t Kovalchuk who was the problem. Maybe it was Crosby.

Blowing your mind,
Boomer

**********

Dear Devils,

Please see the above letters.

Yes, we had to work today. Pookie also had to work late today. That means we have the choice of tivoing your game that was stupidly scheduled when we are both at work, and then watching it beginning at 10:00 pm after Pookie gets home. In light of your effort in your previous two games, we opted not to. Thanks for proving us right not to bother.

Lovin’ Losin’,
The Ookies

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Katebits and Heather have genius bits — their most recent discovery is that there are shocking parallels between the Sabres and the “Sound Of Music”. This got us wondering about whether there was a Nazi-themed musical that applies to the Devils; surely the Sabres aren’t the only ones. After much consideration of the many, many Nazi-themed musicals we’re familiar with, we realized that Sabres fans are not, indeed, the only lucky ones. Because the Devils? Are all “Cabaret”, baby!

First of all, like the proposal Katebits and Heather made to use “Climb Every Mountain” as the new Sabres goal song, the Devils could get their own signature goal song this way as well. How about “Cabaret”?

Right now goals scored at The Rawk are followed by the fans “Hey”ing along with whatever it is the PA system blares (we can’t remember — did they end up caving on their principles and stepping off the “Gary Glitter is a pedophile” refusal of “Rock and Roll Part 2”?). But if we went with “Cabaret”, everyone would get to leap to their feet not just in joyous celebration of a goal, but also in the irresistible urge to belt along with Liza. Seriously, what good is sitting alone in your room when you could be cheering along with a whole Rawkful of other Devils fans? Life is a cabaret old friend indeed!

But this connection between team and Nazi-themed musical runs deeper than just the raddest goal song ever. Think about it. Who do Sally and the MC remind you of in this number?

It’s Kovalchuk (Sally) and Lou (the MC)! It’s been staring us in the face all along! Who’s that knocking on the window? Gasp! Salary Cap!

Now that we’ve blown your mind with the obvious MC/Lou thing, it’s time to imagine Lou’s take on “Wilkommen”. At first we thought his version would be just, “Welcome,” and nothing else. But then we found this version:

Wow. It makes even more sense now, if that’s even possible. There’s his orchestra analogy! And the team does dog it! And many of the players are beautiful, assuming you have low standards!

Anyway, perhaps the most exciting thing about this discovery about our team is that we can take this one step further: if Kovalchuk is Sally, and Lou is the MC… then someone has to be the Nazis. But who? Who can it be?

Why, it’s Gary Bettman! Yep, we finally, after over three years of blogging, have made the moronic Bettman-is-Hitler connection. Today we earned our blogger stripes. Cue “Cabaret”!

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So it turns out we weren’t the only people vacationing in the Netherlands recently — it’s the offseason, so many of the Devils were there, too.

Colin White

Colin White

Marty in Zuiderzee

Martin Brodeur

Jamie Langenbrunner

Jamie Langenbrunner

Not Andrew Peters

Not Andrew Peters anymore. WOO HOO!

Arts and Crafts Paulie

Paulie Martin. ::sniffle::

Chalk Zach

Zach Parise

Pando, Archly

Pando. ::sniffle::

Zach Parise

Zach Parise

PL3

Pierre-Luc Letourneau-Leblond

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It was a busy day of churn for the Devils roster today, and we’re sure the entire interwebs are on tenterhooks to hear what we think of the big changes.

— Of Paulie’s departure, we can’t muster much more than a shrug. It’s always sad when a Nation loses its emperor-god, but with Paulie, maybe he was just more of a sometime emperor-god, instead of a forever one. It was good while it lasted, and now it’s over. Adios, Paulie. (We should have seen this signing coming — Paulie’s never had any finish, what made us think he’d finish well with the Devils?)

— Of Volchenkov, we also can’t muster much more than a shrug. We had literally nothing to say about him (other than Pookie’s knee-jerk, “GAH! I hate shot-blocking d-men so much!”) until we realized something quite magical. The name “Volchenkov” sounds suspiciously like the Disco Volante, the villain’s boat from Thunderball. That means we can call our newest d-man “Disco”! For six more years! Welcome to the family, Disco!

— Of Tallinder, well… Look. We have two questions we ask every free agent who is considering signing with the Devils:

1. Are you injury prone?
2. Are you the favorite player of one of our very best friends, and will your departure from her favorite team leave her devastated?

If the player can answer yes to both of those questions, we don’t want him.

— Of hockey in general, something interesting has happened to us in the last few days. You might recall that by the end of this past season, we were in a state of massive controlled burn. We didn’t want to watch any hockey, didn’t want to hear about any hockey, didn’t want to even contemplate the concept of hockey. A long summer was just what the doctor ordered. And you know what? It’s working! We’re a few weeks away from finishing our second Project 365, and when revisiting our pictures from last fall and winter, we came across this:

A Glorious Afternoon At Stately IPB Manor

Suddenly, just like that, we’re back on board. Lazy days of watching early-season hockey and puttering on our quilting, while the cold weather does its thing outside? What could be better! Sure, the Devils are likely to be the same old stupid Devils, only with some different names in the mix, but that’s something we’ll worry about again when it’s swoonin’ season. We’re still enjoying summer, but now we’re not dragging our feet for the start of the next hockey season. We might even be… anticipating it. We never thought we’d see the day!

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