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Archive for the ‘Laffs’ Category

She buys three ducklings and doesn’t name them Bobby Ryan, Ryan Getzlaf, and CoreyPerry CoreyPerry.

If the Devils were in the Pacific Division, we could use this photo six times a year!

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Devils vs. Islanders

We haven’t been doing much hockey analysis here at stately IPB Manor. It could be because things are going pretty well with the Devils. Or it could be because we’re too busy discussing really important things like this:

Pookie: I just put through a request at the library for a DVD called “Super Snake”. It’s a Nat Geo DVD about “nature’s most elegant predator”. It says “National Geographic debunks the myths and reveals the startling truths of the Super Snake.” I wonder what the startling truths are.

Schnookie: I BEG to differ about the snake being the most elegant predator. That’s falsehood number 1. I KNOW MY PREDATORS, and YOU, SIR, are NO elegant predator! ::gazes happily at Siberian tigers knocking peoples’ heads off::

::OR SHARKS::

::OR BEARS::

::OR MOTHERFUCKING CROCODILES::

Man, snakes BLOW.

Pookie: Not Super Snake. He dresses in a tuxedo. And knows which fork to use with which meal. He’s VERY elegant. You should see him dance.

Schnookie: I HIGHLY doubt it. At some point he’ll slip up, most likely at Ascot, where he’ll shout at his horse, “Cor blimey, move yer bloomin’ arse!” He’s FAKE elegant.

Pookie: You’re going to regret it. When Super Snake sends you a polite request for a proper duel, in which he’ll kill you. With his 300 ribs or whatever Nat Geo said he has. Each rib has it’s own elegantly-tied cravat.

Schnookie: Yeah, that SEEMS impressive, but does each elegantly-tied cravat have its own elegantly-tied cravat?

Pookie: No, they don’t. I guess you’re right, super-snakes aren’t Nature’s most elegant predator.

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Zach avoided arbitration by signing a one-year deal today. We should probably be breaking down what this means for the Devils’ weekend, but it’s 4pm on a lazy summer Saturday, so instead we’d like to focus on something else that caught our eyes in hockey journalism this week. On Monday, the estimable Tom Gulitti posted part one of a fan Q&A with Travis. Included among the queries was this:

“Travis: Which of the following would you choose as your favorite movie:
1) Stargate
2) Indiana Jones and the Raiders of the Lost Ark
3) Back to the Future
4) The Mighty Ducks”

Gentle Reader, this might be the greatest construct for questions ever. It’s not “what’s your favorite movie”, it’s “I don’t give a crap about you; what’s your favorite of my favorite movies”. Only, in this case (and with all due respect to the questioner) it’s a bunch of crappy movies (and “Raiders”, which we’ve got no beef with), one of which Travis had to admit he’d never seen. Think of the possibilities!

Zach: Which of the following would you choose as your favorite cookie:
1) Graham cracker
2) Chocolate chip
3) Un-adorned sugar cookie
4) Fig newton

Marty: Which of the following would you choose as your favorite Star Trek episode:
1) Sub Rosa
2) Darmok
3) Rascals
4) Trouble with Tribbles

Patty: Which of the following would you choose as your favorite color:
1) Jade green
2) Red
3) Ice blue
4) Pukey brownish purple

Zubrus: Which of the following would you choose as your favorite quilt pattern:
1) Mariner’s Compass
2) Trip Around the World
3) Star of Bethlehem
4) Drunkard’s Path

Tedenby: Which of the following would you choose as your favorite painting:
1) Death of Socrates
2) Raft of the Medusa
3) Three Musicians
4) A Sunday Afternoon on the Island of La Grande Jatte

Whichever Sesito, if any, is still on the team: Which of the following would you choose as your favorite pepper:
1) Jalapeno
2) Joe’s Long Cayenne
3) Sargent
4) Green bell

Josefson: Which of the following would you choose as your favorite book:
1) The Sound and the Fury
2) The Count of Monte Cristo
3) The Corrections
4) Shopaholic

Whitey: Which of the following would you choose as your favorite activity:
1) Not swimming
2) Swimming

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Since Gulitti has scored such a major hit with his Zach Q&A over on Fire & Ice, we decided to conduct our own Q&A with a member of the Parise household. But Zach was busy answering questions for the F&I readers, so we turned our attention to the one and only Boxworthy. The following includes the questions exactly as we asked them, and the answers exactly as Boxworthy gave them. The only change is that we weren’t able to recreate his sturdy, attractive cursive writing.

Can you swim?

No. I am a turtle of the land. Many of my cousins, though, are excellent swimmers.

Can Zach swim?

Master Zach is a very effective man.

You mentioned your water-loving cousins. Are any of them turtles-of-affairs-of-the-sea?

Yes. I come from a long line of turtles-of-affairs, in all elements. If the -Worthy clan could grow wings, we would be turtles-of-affairs-of-the-sky. It is something of a family business. If you have ever enjoyed a Jacques Cousteau documentary, you have seen some of the work of my esteemed great-great grand-uncle, Aquaworthy.

Zach’s Q&A has been a very popular feature on Fire & Ice. How much did you contribute to that?

I daren’t speak of the master’s creative process.

Not just a little?

I relent, but just to illustrate what a great mind and a great man he is.

Oh, of course.

The process is quite complex and detail-oriented, like Master Zach himself. We start by receiving the questions from Mr. Gulitti via intermail-of-the-webs, and I then transcribe them in longhand onto foolscap. Master Zach loves the feel of foolscap when he is contemplating interview questions. I then make a second copy, so there is one for him to hold whilst contemplating, and one for me to read aloud from. I then read him the questions and he spends several days pondering. His preferred method for pondering is to stand at his study window, heavy velvet drapes pulled back to reveal the sprawling gardens below, and grasp either the foolscap or the lapels of his dressing coat while staring, firm-jawed, into the middle distance. After several days of self-study, he will call me into his study, I will pour him a brandy, and we will proceed to take dictation. I take notes in fluent shorthand as Master Zach gives answers, self-edits, corrects, and continues his contemplation. Once he is satisfied with his responses I transcribe the notes into longhand, which I will then dictate to Master Zach as he types, hunt-and-peck style, the answers into his intermail-of-the-webs. I am afraid that I have not yet mastered the computer arts.

That’s quite a process.

It is no more involved than preparing the master’s breakfast.

There’s a lot of concern among Devils fans about Zach’s contract status and long-term future in New Jersey. Will you ever be a free agent, and if you did, would you consider working for someone other than Zach?

Master Zach frequently reminds me that my contract is no one’s concern but his. I am not ever worried for my employment, however, because of Master Zach’s lifelong priorities. Ever since he was a child, Master Zach was afraid of two things: going to jail, and having to put on his dressing coat by himself in the morning. I excel at ensuring he is never confronted by either of those horrid possibilities, and he is most appreciative. I have never allowed the thought of working with another master to cross my mind.

Zach has seemed very personable and good-natured in the Fire & Ice Q&As. Is that an accurate read of the real Zach?

Yes, quite. He has very much enjoyed interacting with the fans of the Devils in this exercise, and frequently stops in his typing to give a dazzling smile, perhaps hoping it will convey across the internet-of-the-web.

Hm. His smile is dazzling indeed.

I help him with that. He has a daily smile workout that ensures that he maintains an optimal ratio of teeth to lip, a proper depth of dimple, and an appropriate wattage of eye-twinkle. I am his coach and trainer in these exercises, using advanced mathematical and technical means to measure his smile maintenance.

Don’t tell us you use calipers to measure the rictus and dimple.

Why should I not tell you that? It is the truth, after all.

Zach mentioned in his Q&A that he doesn’t like to pay much for his haircuts. We would have thought hair-cutting might fall under your long list of job duties.

In fact, most turtles-of-affairs are not required to style hair, but young Master Zach has always been most, shall I say careful, about having each individual hair cut just so. He has yet to find a stylist in New Jersey that can give his follicles the attention each deserves, and thus, I have to step in to fill the void. As this is not part of my long list of job duties, Master Zach gives me a small stipend outside of my normal compensation.

What, does he give you an extra piece of lettuce?

My, what wits you have. No, he gives me a comp ticket to any Devils matinee against the Panthers of Florida.

During the off-season, Zach works on things he needs to improve. Do you work on making yourself even more attuned to Zach’s needs, or do you work on your weaknesses, such as your slowness?

I did not realize my normal-for-a-turtle speed was a weakness, but thank you for pointing that out. I will surely endeavor to increase my velocity when moving from point A to point B. As for the off-season, I generally am so busy attending to Master Zach’s needs that I do not have time for self-improvement, unless Master Zach requires I make immediate changes to my daily job performance, such as when I needed to improve the technique of using my natural camouflage to move Master Zach’s golf ball out of a rough patch on the golfing course unseen.

Speaking of speed, have you heard the one about the snail that was mugged by two turtles?!

Yes. Several times. How droll.

Right. Well. Um… Say, if you’d like to be faster, may we suggest little tiny rollerskates?

I would rather you didn’t.

Scratch that! No little tiny rollerskates. One normal-sized rollerskate!

Ahem.

Zach probably likes your speed just the way it is.

Yes, it does help to make him feel faster.

A confident Zach is an effective Zach.

As I said, he is a very effective man.

Do you ever want to punch Jeeves in the face?

Who?

Never mind.

I shan’t.

Well, we know you’re a very busy turtle, Boxworthy, so we won’t keep you from assisting Zach any longer. Thank you so much for your time and thoughtful answers.

Thank you. It was my pleasure.

Give our regards to Zach.

He would prefer I did not.

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Dear Looch,

How far is too far in advance to make pies for Thanksgiving?

— Colleen, Colorado Springs, CO

Dear Colleen,

Looch not eat any pies older than number of fingers Looch can count so Looch suggest not making pies more than four years before Thanksgiving. Looch think four years gives mud juuuust enough time to bake properly while still being able to scrape off rock in once piece. Colleen make Looch drool with pie question! How soon is Thanksgiving? One… Two… Three… Four… LOOCH CONFUSED!

— Looch

Dear Looch,

Sometimes my fudge turns out gritty. What am I doing wrong?

— Margaret, Waco, TX

Dear Margaret,

Looch giggle. Looch not able to stop giggling. TEE HEE HEE. Looch suggest bran muffin. TEE HEE HEE.

— Looch

Dear Looch,

Do you have any fun suggestions for egg-dying crafts that kids can enjoy?

— Terese, Syracuse, NY

Dear Terese,

Looch love eggs. Looch love dye. Looch not able to combine two loves. Looch keep smashing. Looch not mean to smash. Where pretty egg go? Looch make colorful eggshell crumble. It make Looch’s cake look like ass. But Looch’s hands look so pretty.

— Looch
Dear Looch,

Is there an easy way to remove wrinkles from sheets? Bed linens are so large, it’s hard to iron them properly.

— Helene, Grover’s Mill, ME

Dear Helene,

Why Helene scared of hard work? Hard work get Looch ahead in life. If Helene not prepared to iron big bed linens, Looch suggest Helene use small bed linens. Or Looch suggest Helene use what Looch use — night sky. Night sky never need ironing. Night sky sparkles so pretty. Night sky sparkles like shiny rocks smashed by Big Looch In Sky.

— Looch

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— For a variety of uninteresting reasons, Pookie arrived at work this morning with about 20 minutes to spare and a hankering to find videos about Beaks on YouTube. She found this:

When she sent the link to Schnookie this exchange ensued:

Pookie: I found a HILARIOUS video of Beaks and CoreyPerry CoreyPerry. Fighting in Juniors. At the end of a playoff game.
Schnookie: Oh my god.
Pookie: I was laughing out loud in my car. It was Muppet Baby Douchebags.
Schnookie: I’m honestly not sure who I’d think wins that. Of course, we’re ALL winners here.
Pookie: It was like what I imagine baby peacocks would be like if they were chimpanzees learning life skills by copying their parents.
Schnookie: (After watching the video) Oh my god. That’s a beauty. I love Beaks tossing his head. Like, I’m sure he thought, a wild stallion. He looked like Beaks of Chincoteague there. A little wild pony.

— For a variety of uninteresting reasons we ended up discussing Principal Skinner and Superintendent Chalmers during dinner tonight, which, of course, spiraled into an exchange of Simpsons quotes. When Schnookie pulled out the “how will anyone know it’s a Honda without the H?” scene, Pookie suddenly declared that Looch had eaten the H off all the Hondas he’s ever seen. Schnookie agreed, because Looch just loves to eat the letter H. Pookie then remarked, “That’s why that Bruins/Habs game was such a melee. Looch just sees all those little H’s on the sweaters…”

— Boomer made us all laugh really hard after dinner when she tried to read aloud the blurb about Nora Roberts’s upcoming release, Catching Fire, a romance novel about smokejumpers. Boomer launched into the first sentence of the blurb, “There’s little as thrilling as firefighting…” but said instead, “There’s little as thrilling as firefarting.” We still haven’t stopped shrieking with laughter. Being a grownup is grand.

— We got a crazy new fisheye lens for our camera today. VE Mats loves it.

Fisheye VE Mats

So does Rollie.

Fisheye Rollie

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Driving home from a wine-soaked dinner out, we began to discuss, as most Devils fans are these days, the remarkable turn-around the team’s put together since Jacques Lemaire took over. What we concluded is that the difference in how effective Lemaire is and how ineffective MacLean was is almost exactly the difference between two of our favorite crime-fighting superheroes:

Yup, that was Johnny Mac telling the PP “just go out there and pop a wheelie to throw mud in their eyes” while Jacques’s the one telling them, “oh, we’ll just summon a hoard of angels”. We can only hope that next season, the replacement coach isn’t Gymkana Girl.

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