Some thoughts we have on the Devils lately:
— We are very lucky that our team has, every year since the lockout, given us the opportunity to watch them be the best team in hockey for a substantial stretch of time. Not every fan gets to say that, and we really enjoy it. We don’t want to sound ungrateful, or suggest that we don’t appreciate those five-, six-, seven-, whatever-week runs where we can’t help but think about how not a single team in the league could take four of seven against our boys. But the problem with the Devils doing that every season is that they haven’t timed that run very well since ’05-’06. And they fall off a fucking cliff every February. You know what makes a colossally awful stretch run even more interminable than the lousy hockey is on its own? Having to watch that lousy hockey while knowing — having incontrovertible proof — that the very same group of players and coaches that are crapping the bed night after night are capable of being the best team in the league. So yeah, what we’re saying is that we wouldn’t mind the annual March Swoon quite so much if it wasn’t always immediately following the annual “the Devils are really, really, really awesome” non-swoon.
— You know what else is making this year’s Swoon so insufferable? Chico. We realize he’s under orders from MSG to say only glowing things about the home team (or at least, we’re assuming he is, based on how the other MSG announcers act), but still. Aren’t there ways to do that without insulting the viewers’ intelligence so grievously? When the Devils got shut out by the worst team in the league in the game after they gave up five straight goals to the Flames, and Chico announced to us that he was shocked by the outcome, we finally reached our wits’ ends. That Oilers game was many things, but shocking was not one of them. We are seriously considering watching tomorrow’s Devils/Rangers game with the sound off.
— Hey, you know what’s good, though? We didn’t get Scott Niedermayer at the trade deadline.
— You know what’s bad, though? We did get Martin Skoula. Are we sure he’s not Niclas Havelid in a Martin Skoula outfit? Or, worse yet, Phil Housley?
— We know the Devils aren’t listening to us, because they don’t listen to anything this time of year other than the siren song of their vacation homes. But if they could hear us, we would like to say just this: “Shoot the fucking puck, you sad fucking fucks.” The are killing us with this refusal to shoot. If this was what they were planning to become, Lou should have just kept Gomez and Gionta. (Yeah, ouch.)
— But on the bright side, we hear that Lemaire is bringing back the Showdown at the Triple Z Ranch line! That’ll be fun for the one or two shifts they stay together.
— There is something that brings us constant joy during Devils games lately, though. It’s that Just For Men Touch of Gray commercial where the dude gets age discriminated against and sexually harassed during his job interview. Who wouldn’t want to work at that company? If only Just For Men Touch of Gray worked for women, we’d be applying there right this minute.
— We were out to lunch yesterday, so we want to wish Mags a super-happy day after her birthday today. Gefeliciteerd met je verjaardaag, Mags! (Only add some Dutch in there to make it say “day after your birthday” instead of just plain “birthday”.)
— Also, let’s all promise to be best friends forever, m’kay? Good luck in college, everyone!