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Archive for the ‘Low-Hanging Fruit’ Category

We, um, missed you?

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OK, OK, are you sitting down? How’s this — imagine you’re watching a game that’s gone to a shootout. The shootout is tied after three attempts. Do you want to see a fourth lame attempt at yet another forward shooting at the goalie? Or do you want to see… wait for it… a goalie race?! WE KNOW! Brendan Shanahan, ball’s in your court.

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There’s a sketch from the comedy show “Stella” where Michael, Michael, and David are talking to a woman in a NYC loft. She wants to get away from the guys so she points behind them and says, “Look! A baby deer!” All three guys turn and look and she ducks out. Michael says, “I think she just wanted to leave.” David says, “You mean all that time she was talking about the baby deer, she was lying?” They go to leave, dejected, and then the other Michael says, “Hold on, guys, I’m going to go look for that baby deer one more time.” We realized this weekend that our relationship with the Devils at this point is such that we’re just sitting here saying over and over and over, “I’m going to go look for that baby deer one more time.”

On that note, Playoffs are coming! We’re going to go look for that baby deer one more time.

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Lots has happened this week in hockey and here’s what we have to say about it:

1. Burrows had it coming (all divers do).

2. Ovechkin is a douchebag (power forwards who are praised to high heaven for dishing out the physical play but who are let off the hook when they don’t pay the price for it are).

3. Marty Brodeur is the shit (all goalies who have had as much consistent success as he has are. Oh wait, there aren’t any goalies other than him who have!).

Anyway, we don’t have much more to say about these topics because it’s officially the Hockey Season Doldrums now. We know this because instead of engaging in any serious conversation about any of these things, we spent our post-giant-glasses-of-red-wine-with-dinner tipsyness discussing whether clips of Carl Sagan auto-tuned to create dreamy electronica songs are interesting. Don’t worry. It’s just a phase. We’ll get over it.

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APPLEBEES HOSTESS: “I’m sorry, sir, but you can’t eat here without pants. It’s a policy put in by the corporate heads.”
PAULIE: “Well they can go fuck themselves!”

***

OFFICIAL HOCKEY HALL OF FAME STATISTICIAN: “I’m afraid ‘plastic star’ is not an officially recognized award.”
ZACH: “You can go fuck yourself!”

***

GROCERY STORE BAGGER: “There are no more plastic bags. You’re going to have to take paper.”
LANGER: “You can go fuck yourself!”

***

ART STORE CLERK: “Nope, we don’t have block crayons. Only stick ones.”
TRAVIS: “You can go fudge yourself!”

***

ANDY GREENE: “Uh, there isn’t an all-star game this year. The NHL is participating in the Olympics instead.”
STAN FISCHLER & RICH CHERE: “They can go fuck themselves!”
ANDY GREENE: “Word.”

***

US BORDER GUARD: “ClarksonNation is not recognized by the United State of America. This ‘passport’ has booked you a one way ticket to the detention room, mister!”
CLARKSON: “You and your ‘real’ nation can go fuck yourselves! Er, I mean, here’s my real passport. No, no! Don’t deport me!”

***

MARTY: “I’m the all-time wins and shutouts leader! Go me!”
PATRICK ROY: “You can go fuck yourself.”
MARTY: “::Smirk::”

***

LOU: “And that completes our trade of Cam Janssen for Bryce Salvador.”
BLUES GM: “Aw, fuck me. Cam Janssen?!”

***

YANN DANIS: “Please, sir, I’d like to start.”
LEMAIRE: “Go fuck yourself.”

***

ANDREW PETERS: ::Breathes::
THE OOKIES: “You can go fuck yourself.”

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No matter what conference your favorite team plays in, Gentle Reader, you have surely noticed one of the Laws of the Natural Hockey Universe: announcers are incapable of referring to Corey Perry as anything other than “Corey Perry”. Unrelatedly, we’ve lately taken to watching the Columbus Blue Jackets when the Devils (and the Trannies and the Ducks and any number of other gentlemen callers) aren’t on. Since Rick Nash is “carrying the flag”, as they say in Ohio, for the Too Oranges and the Craig Andersoxers, it behooves us to tune in. While doing the important scouting to keep Nash from goldbricking on the job, we discovered something fascinating somewhat interesting worth blogging about when there’s nothing else doing*. Rusty Klesla? Is the Corey Perry of the East(ern part of the Western Conference)! Who knew? Just try to say just “Klesla”. If you’re a hockey announcer and you’re reading this (hi, Doc!), we bet you can’t. Not only that, but we also discovered that Corey Perry is the Fedor Tutyin of the West(ern part of the Western Conference). It’s this kind of research that earns us the big bucks.

*Technically, one could argue that there is “something doing” in Devilsland, but honestly, what is there to say about Elias practicing? “It’s great he’s practicing!” “We hope he comes back soon but not too soon!” “Maybe he’s what the team needs to win at home!” “Purple monkey dishwasher!”

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The Devils spent their day practing line changes, so we decided to do the same while giving Patty (in Princeton) a tour of the university campus. It was simple to be just the like Devils. All we had to do was face different directions, space out, and cease to pay attention to anything around us (such as say, Patty taking our picture).

Photo Ookies

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