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Archive for the ‘Our Minds Are Blown’ Category

May 26 2012

When Victory Euro Mats was awarded the Victory Euro Prince of Wales Trophy, he made sure not to touch it. He doesn’t want to be the one who jinxes the Devils!

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And in the substances that aren’t tobacco.

May 9 2012: Spoils Go To The Victory Euro Mats

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She buys three ducklings and doesn’t name them Bobby Ryan, Ryan Getzlaf, and CoreyPerry CoreyPerry.

If the Devils were in the Pacific Division, we could use this photo six times a year!

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This past October we took a trip up to Buffalo and found ourselves spit-balling about the NHL with Katebits and Heather B. Among the topics of conversation were fighting and the shootout. Being the brilliant minds that we are, we quickly got to the bottom of both problems:

1. Staged fighting is stupid.
2. The shootout is here to stay but has grown a little stale.

We have no beef with caught-up-in-the-passion-of-the-moment fighting, like that awesome Getzi-on-Thorton beatdown from the playoffs a few years ago, but there’s really no place for the preening peacock style of staged fight between heavyweights in today’s NHL. Even putting aside the physical and mental health issues they pose, those fights don’t deter other players from taking liberties, rarely have any impact on the momentum of the game, and are, frankly, pretty boring. When you see your team has dressed a heavyweight, you know that it means the coach might as well just flush a roster spot down the toilet for the night. Lame!

Meanwhile, the shootout has become very predictable. Devils fans, for example, know that every shootout is going to go like this: Kovalchuck scores, Parise misses, Elias scores. Ho hum. The only fun part is watching to see if DeBoer has learned the players numbers yet when filling out the form to give the referees. If the NHL isn’t going to replace the shootout with All-Star Game-style super skills (seriously, NHL, we meant it — that would rawk!), it’s got to do something to jazz up the shootout, or else we’ll all get so jaded that we might as well just go back to the five-on-five trapping-to-get-a-tie OTs. ::shifty eyes::

Don’t worry, Gentle Reader, we have a solution! Katebits actually tweeted this at the time, but we feel like the idea is so solid that it deserves a full write up, especially in light of Brian Burke’s rant this week. Are you sitting down? Prepare to have your mind blown and your world rocked. Ready?

Instead of the coaches picking three shooters from their own team… the coaches should pick who shoots for the opposing team!

That’s right, the coaches should pick who shoots for the opposing team.

Think about it — of course the coaches would gravitate towards the worst players. Instead of seeing Kovalchuk, Parise, and Elias shoot for the Devils, the opposing coach would pick Janssen, Boulton, and, well, Tedenby. Sorry, Teddy. But here’s the thing, we want to see zany, little Tedenby trying to score in a shootout. We don’t want to see Janssen and Boulton taking shootouts. You know who else doesn’t want to see Janseen and Boulton taking shootouts? The coaching staff. How could they solve that? By not dressing Janseen and Boulton. You know who else doesn’t want to see Janssen and Boulton taking shootouts? Management. How could they solve that? By not drafting or signing players like Janssen and Boulton.

If for some reason (insanity?), the coaches and management did decide they really need enforcers, the enforcers will have the pressure of knowing the final result of the game could very well come down to their ability to score on an uncontested, staged breakaway. What are said enforcers going to do? Practice harder at being better skaters and shooters! How could that possibly be a bad thing for anyone? There’s a slight chance those skills could bleed into an actual in-game situation. Gone would be the days of ham-fisted goons! Instead we’d have, um, what’s slightly more subtle than a ham-fist? Welcome to the era of prosciutto-fisted goons!

Seriously, though, can you think of any other simple rule change that would do more to encourage teams to win in regulation than this? And if the games do go the distance, imagine how much more fun it will be to watch as a fan? We’ve all seen the best players in the game take breakaways. Won’t it be more fun to scheme over who you think would be the worst player for the other team to be forced to send out against your team’s goalie? Moreover, we all know the long shootouts are the ones that are the most fun. This set-up will undoubtedly lead to shootouts that require five or more rounds. Fans will get their money’s worth!

It’s brilliant. The only possible outcomes of instituting this rule would be any combination of the following:

1. Enforcers being forced to either become more skilled or be replaced in the lineup.
2. More games decided in regulation and overtime.
3. The shootout becoming more interesting for the fans.

NHL, the PA may have rejected your realignment plan, but there’s no way they’d reject this. Do it! You’ll thank us later.

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Last night we had our traditional Draft Party at stately IPB Manor, with the togas and the dancing formations and the cymballs.

Last time we busted out this garb we got badly burned, but with a fourth-overall pick, there was no way this could go badly, right? Right! Look at what all our suffering from last season earned us!

June 24 2011

Insert frenzied cymball crashing here.

Deploy cymballs! Let the bacchanalia commence! We have a new best player ever, and, if the thirty seconds of Pierre McGuire we were willing to listen to last night is any indication, he is going to give us many, many orgasms. (Our actual response to Pierre’s immediate, hysterical response to the Devils’ pick — Schnookie: “Pierre just came all over him! He must be awesome!” Pookie: “This is Pierre we’re talking about. I wouldn’t read much into it.”)

It’s probably not an overreaction to say that Adam Larsson is the Best Devil EVER.

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1-2-3 Hockey: 43 of 45

October 4 2010

Behold our newest handmade creation — Hooters H. Puffinstuff, the felt owl! He was made (roughly) from a pattern in “Fa la la la Felt”, and considering how quick and fun it was to make him, we suspect there will be plenty more to come. (Although not all of them will have such perfect vintage-button eyeballs…)

We blogged all about him here.

NOW, ON TO OUR NEW HOCKEY CONTENT!

Midway through the “Dr. Quinn, Medicine Woman” series there was a change in actor portraying Colleen, Dr. Mike’s awkward, brainy, aspiring-doctor adopted teenaged daughter. The first actor was an ungainly blonde girl, and the replacement one was a waifish, nasal-voiced, marble-mouthed, not-even-remotely-lookalike brunette. And as the series progressed with the faux Colleen, we couldn’t help but wonder why our thoughts kept wandering to Jonathan Toews.

Oh yeah, that’s right — because Jonathan Toews was the replacement actor playing Colleen.

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So… Kovalchuk, eh? Works for us! We asked for change, and we’re getting it in spades this summer, so much so that we’ve almost completely forgotten about the Arnott acquisition. If you can make us forget about that, you’re doing a damn fine job as a change-making GM, so kudos, Lou.

Because he’s going to be ours for the next 10,000 years or so, we figure we need to embrace Kovalchuk. There are a number of reasons why this should be easy for even bloggers as hard-hearted as we. First of all, he’s not Andrew Peters. ::brushes off hands:: Done and done! Welcome to the family, Chuckles! Second of all, we can call him Chuckles. And when he scores, he can score for a case of Chuckles. Chuckles are a rare candy where even the weird dark-purple-flavored color is still tasty. Sure Kovalchuk doesn’t seem like he belongs, but what the hell? Maybe he’s the dark-purple Chuckle and not the weird dark-purple Necco wafer (also known as “clove”. We know!!!! CLOVE!)? Or at the very least, maybe he won’t turn into the weird dark-purple Necco wafer until a few years from now. Because even though we’re really, really excited for a Kovalchuk signing, and we can’t imagine ever not loving our very own Chuckles, we can’t entirely forget that the last time we were this psyched for a free-agent signing the guy’s name rhymed with “Blian Blolston”.

But let us not dwell on such unpleasantries! Now is the time celebrate, and to get that “CHUCKLES” tattoo in gothic letters across our shoulders! Because a gothic-letter nameplate tattoo is forever, as is Kovalchuk’s alleged contract. No one living in ChucklesNation would be caught dead without one.

Ookies and Co. meet Chuckles at the airport, where they perform the traditional dance of ChucklesNation, demonstrating what wonders await those who sign with the Devils instead of the poopy old Kings.

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