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Archive for the ‘Egg Pelley’ Category

Her?

There is much tepid beigeness and mousy forgettablility throughout the cities of EggNation, as the streets have run yellow with yolk. So long, Egg. We’ll miss barely being able to remember you’re on the Devils roster. (Oh, and you too, Fraser.)

As for this Kurtis Foster person, we sort of don’t trust the name Kurtis. Curtis? Sure. Kurtis? Suspect. When we think of Kurtis Foster we think of two things: Adrian Foster and Kurt Rambis. Neither of those guys are good at hockey. The new Egg has a lot of ground to make up to win us over.

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If you’re anything like us, you’ve been breathlessly following Egg Pelley’s road trip across Canada on the Devils website. We don’t want the Devils site to have cooler content than IPB, though, so we sent our very own celebrity on a similar road trip, and here’s the report on his journey.

Meet Boxworthy

Given the green light by Zach to make this trek, Boxworthy is ready to hit the road.

Nothing’s better than being able to hit the open road and just go where the heart wants to take you, so Boxworthy was thrilled to be able to travel from the back door of stately IPB Manor to the front door, tracking his route and checking in with us as he went. “It is ever so much fun to be able to share one’s travels with Master Zach’s fans,” he said.

Boxworthy Setting Out

Say cheese!

His focus was to get from Point A to Point B, but he wanted to share his experience with Devils fans everywhere, so he brought along a camera. Early in his trip, at the curve where the driveway blacktop meets the brick front walk, he took a moment to admire the sheer rock formation of the retaining wall cliff-face.

Retaining Wall Cliff Face

The scenery can be stark and impressive in the Driveway Region.

“I very much enjoyed the view when I reached the straightaways of the brick path. The vista out over the rolling prairies of front yard were truly breathtaking,” Boxworthy said.

Boxworthy's Dandelion View

The front yard prairies this time of year are especially beautiful, with tall dandelion scrubland as far as the turtle eye can see.

The back door to the front door is by no means a short journey, and at times can be desolate. “You must pace yourself carefully,” Boxworthy explained, “For at times you may find yourself the only living soul along the way.”

En Route

Timing stops for fuel can be tricky when there is so little sign of turtle civilization nearby.

The most challenging part of the trip was definitely the steep steps along the path. “You mustn’t push too hard or too fast up such a steep climb,” he said, “If a turtle were to flip backwards here, it could be disastrous.”

Boxworthy Climbing The Steps

Boxworthy put all his might into advancing past these obstacles.

After such hard work, he paused to take a breather and reflect back on the distance he’d already traversed.

After The Climb

Boxworthy at rest.

The flats of the front walk are lined with majestic daffodils, and after his grueling climbs Boxworthy enjoyed being able to get some photos of the canopy of the daffodil forest.

Boxworthy's View Of Daffodils

It was a bright, sunny day for Boxworthy’s trip.

The shadows were growing longer as Boxworthy’s long trip wended its way closer to his final destination. “Arriving at the front door is thrilling,” he said. “I was especially excited to see the urns with their lovely spring pansies.”

The Pansy Urn

Boxworthy snapped a shot of the towering front-door urns.

For a turtle, the scenery is especially imposing. He had to look straight up to be able to see the flowers at the top of the massive structures.

Shooting Up At The Urn

Taking photos or just taking a breather? Boxworthy will never tell.

After hours of hard travel on a long and lonely road, Boxworthy reached the front door. “It was a marvelous journey, and a process I appreciated greatly,” he said. He was happy to be home, though.

Boxworthy's Arrival

There’s nothing like a welcome party of friends at the end of a long journey.

This was his route from the back door:
10:22 AM The back-door welcome mat
10:30 AM The blacktop beyond the back-door concrete footer
12:30 PM Pookie’s car
1:37 PM The retaining wall cliffs
1:50 PM The brick front path
2:42 PM The first step of the front path
4:14 PM The second step of the front path
5:18 PM The third step of the front path
6:03 PM The front flagstone step of the front porch
6:24 PM The pansy urns at the front door
6:40 PM The front doorjamb
6:53 PM Inside the front door

Total: 75 feet

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Boxworthy and Bernice

Boxworthy hanging out with Bernice the pigeon (or, as I just typed it, “Bernice the penguin”, which would have been pretty awesome) at Rockefeller Center. –Schn.

David Clarkson

David Clarkson, spotted near Park Avenue. –Schn.

A Bevy of Devils

White, Greene, Martin, Zubrus, Parise, Egg, Maddog, and Rolston hang out in NYC. –Pk.

Grand Central Clock

Sheldon Brookbank, Ken Daneyko, Scott Stevens, Colin White, Andy Greene, John Madden, and Brian Rolston, in hoity-toity roman numerals. –Schn.

Andrew Peters

Andrew Peters may suck at hockey, but he’s good at identifying street addresses. –Pk.

Marty Brodeur

Marty. A very, very blurry Marty. –Pk.

David Clarkson

We caught this building right after it attempted a wraparound. –Pk.

Marty and the Ookies

We saw Marty in the city and waved hello. –Pk.

Dano and Scotty

Dano and Scotty keep 34th St clean. –Pk.

Mike Mottau

Applesauce! –Schn.

Zach, Zubrus, Paulie, Scottie, Dano

Zach, Zubrus, Paulie, Scottie and Dano, clockwise from the top. –Schn.

Travis Zajac

Travis showing off his Milford Academy education at work, as he blends in to this train departure board at Grand Central Station. –Schn.

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We were driven today to the outer edges of sheer boredom, and did something that only the most desperate of hockey fans should ever do — we read the CBA. Some people read the CBA and come out of it with a clearer understanding of the financial picture of the NHL. Others walk away shaking their reads at the madness of it all. And yet others totally ignore all the serious business statbitty parts (read: 99% of it) and cut straight to the titillating, behind-the-scenes stuff. Like how the players get fined if they don’t pay their own incidentals on their room bills when the team is checking out of hotels on the road. And how a player is reimbursed for up to six months of his rent/mortgage when he’s traded. And what the NHL per diem is. In typical fashion for us, though, a discussion of the finer points of everyday life as outlined by the CBA quickly evolved into our vision of how the Devils handle their per diems. The following is how we figure it goes down, and we suspect we’re spot-on. Because we know the Devils really well. (This is also the actual IM conversation we had, verbatim.)

Pookie: Paulie packs all his meals so they’re bland enough for him and then he pockets the per diem. He’s saving up for something nice. Like a new Goldie Christmas ornament set.

Schnookie: Yup! He’s savin’ up. And enjoying those ambrosia cups, all at the same time.

Clarkson spends his on lottery tickets. All of it.

Pookie: Yup.

Schnookie: At the first place that he sees that sells them.

Pookie: As soon as they get to the hotel lobby he buys them all up and then goes, “D’oh!”

Schnookie: Then he spends the rest of the day salivating over the other guys’ food, asking, “Are you going to eat all of that?”

Pookie: Fortunately it doesn’t take much for him to charm his way into food. He’s always missing team meals because he’s eating with the maids in their breakroom.

Schnookie: Well, Travis is a sucker, too, so he always shares.

Pookie: Travis does all kinds of research before going to a city to determine the cheapest possible meal. Then he saves the rest of his per diem under his mattress. Out of fear of being an Okie.

Schnookie: Travis always takes out $5 and mails it home to his parents. With a letter:

Dear Mom and Dad,
Am still making good in the big city.
Your son,
Travis
P.S. I miss you both.

Pookie: Nah, Rod Pelley does that. Mr. Kitimat.

Schnookie: Right!

Pookie: Marty has Brylin handle his per diem for him. When he has to pay for something he just snaps his finger, walks away, and assumes Brylin is covering it for him.

Schnookie: Marty’s like, “Here, Sarge. You probably need this more than I do.” And he throws the money in Sarge’s direction and forgets all about it.

Pookie: Yup.

Schnookie: Zach has his converted to gold.

Pookie: Langer goes to the dog track. And eats there. No betting, though. Betting would be stupid.

Schnookie: He just loves the food carts at dog tracks. “They have the best cheap Chinese food,” he explains.

Pookie: Yup.

Schnookie: Gio thought he was going to the horse track with his money, until he ran into Langer there. “Shit. Horses must be HUGE,” he says.

Pookie: Sutter gets his per diem changed into pennies and then gets pissed off when he has to count them out to pay for stuff. Just the way he gets pissed off when he has to put unprepared losers out on the ice. “Life,” sighs Albelin in commiseration, “imitates art.”

Schnookie: Travis loves counting and rolling those pennies for Sutter. It causes a lot of tension with his roomie, though. “Suck up,” Zach hisses at him.

Pookie: Just the way Travis loves being an unprepared loser.

Schnookie: “Being an unprepared loser is my favorite thing in life,” he attests.

Pookie: You bet! Sutter’s like, “Grrrreat. Have a penny!” And he wings a big handful of pennies at Travis’s head.

Our team has issues.

Schnookie: Travis just lets the pennies hit him, and then he says, “Do you want me to count and roll those, too, or should I leave them?”

Pookie: Oduya uses his per diem to buy the ingredients to make his mom’s special Swedish cookies, which he sells in the hotel lobby, thereby doubling his per diem amount.

Schnookie: Oduya’s the secret smart one!

Pookie: He usually uses his extra dough to buy Paulie a more interesting lunch, feeling sorry for him having to eat ambrosia AGAIN.

Schnookie: So Paulie’s the one who’s doubling his per diem! After four years in the NHL, you’d think Paulie could afford the Goldie ornament set by now. But the sad truth is, Paulie has no idea how much it costs. “If you have to ask,” he says wistfully. Greener’s like, “You don’t have to ask. Look. The price is right here on the website, it’s $49.95–” Paulie: * DUNK! *

Fortunately, he eats enough pot brownies that he soon forgets that Greener broke the mystique surrounding the ornament set.

Pookie: Yeah. And when he retires he’s going to have like $600,000 in per diem money. Which… He’ll blow on 600,000 Mr. Pibbs and thus never get the ornament set.

But then, in his old age, when he’s like 86, his roomie in the Old Folks Home For Aged D-Men, Old Man Oduya, will give them to him for Christmas.

Schnookie: Awwww! That’s so sweet! Maybe our team doesn’t have issues after all!

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