December With The Devils: Window Number Marty

Like Martin Brodeur, we’re trying to spend as little time with the Devils as we possibly can while they insist on sucking so bad.

But like Martin Brodeur, we’re also old people, so our attempt to “miss” tonight’s Devils/Habs game while having dinner out was stymied by the fact that we go out to eat insanely early.

Mmmm. Blue plate special.

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Devils vs. Flyers, Game 1

Here at the outset of the latest installment of “The Devils, Playoffs Version”, we’re beginning to understand why Red Wings bloggers are the way they are. When your team not only makes the playoffs every year (and since we became Devils fans at the start of the ’96-’97 season, we’ve never seen them miss), but also doesn’t even come close to not making it, there’s just not that much to say as a blogger. So you can be like the Wings writers, crowing about how great you are, how stupid everyone else is, and crafting outlandish conspiracy theories to explain away the times when your team doesn’t come through, or you can be like us and struggle to think of new ways to say, “Yeah, my team’s rolling along, as usual.” Consistent regular-season winning is a wonderful, comforting thing; as sure as there will be the seasons and the tides, so too will there be 40+ wins for our team. And just as we are grateful for the seasons and the tides, we’re also grateful for our annual 40+ wins. Really, we are. But honestly, who wants to write about the tides every day?

Anyway, we wanted to get that little bit of positivity (and apology for being lousy bloggers) out before moving on to the topic at hand: the playoffs.

Sigh.

Just as the Devils are consistently winners in the regular season, they have lately been consistently losers in the playoffs. They’ve been atrocious in each of the last three seasons, so we think we’re justified in being a bit reserved about the successes of this past regular season. Also, we think we’re justified in being extremely reserved in our enthusiasm for the Devils’ playoff chances this time around. Thrice bitten, many many times shy, as the old saying goes.

So, realistically, how do we think this Devils/Flyers series is going to shake out? Well, there is a variety of subplots that merit mention. There’s Jacques Lemaire, and the question of whether he’ll hoist the team on its own petard like he did last time he was coaching the Devils in the playoffs. There’s the Zach/Zubrus Showdown At The Triple-Z Ranch buzzsaw that we’d love to be the key to the series. There’s Kovalchuk trying to put an exclamation point on his contract year. There’s Paulie trying to cram an entire contract year into one playoff run. There’s Patrik Elias playing against a Boucher-backstopped Flyers. There’s Langer and his all-around captainy awesomeness (HAHAHAHAHAHA! Just checking to see if you were still reading). But ultimately, none of that matters. It doesn’t matter what the forwards do, doesn’t matter what the D does, doesn’t matter what the special teams or coaches do. No, the only thing that really matters is Marty. Is this going to be the year that competent, gives-his-team-a-chance-to-win-every-night Marty returns to the playoffs? Or is this going to be another year of Marty giving up bad goals at the worst possible times, and losing his focus, and throwing hissy-fits, and whining and pointing fingers and generally looking like he doesn’t belong at this level? Four years ago, against the Hurricanes, we blamed the d-men. Three years ago, against the Senators, we blamed the system. Two years ago, against the Rangers, we blamed the universe. Last year, against the Hurricanes, we blamed the forwards. If it happens again this year, we’re blaming Marty.

Our prediction for this series? Flyers take a 3-1 series lead, but the Devils win in 7. Just the way it should be.

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Shocking Samuelsson-Esque Retorts From The Devils

APPLEBEES HOSTESS: “I’m sorry, sir, but you can’t eat here without pants. It’s a policy put in by the corporate heads.”
PAULIE: “Well they can go fuck themselves!”

***

OFFICIAL HOCKEY HALL OF FAME STATISTICIAN: “I’m afraid ‘plastic star’ is not an officially recognized award.”
ZACH: “You can go fuck yourself!”

***

GROCERY STORE BAGGER: “There are no more plastic bags. You’re going to have to take paper.”
LANGER: “You can go fuck yourself!”

***

ART STORE CLERK: “Nope, we don’t have block crayons. Only stick ones.”
TRAVIS: “You can go fudge yourself!”

***

ANDY GREENE: “Uh, there isn’t an all-star game this year. The NHL is participating in the Olympics instead.”
STAN FISCHLER & RICH CHERE: “They can go fuck themselves!”
ANDY GREENE: “Word.”

***

US BORDER GUARD: “ClarksonNation is not recognized by the United State of America. This ‘passport’ has booked you a one way ticket to the detention room, mister!”
CLARKSON: “You and your ‘real’ nation can go fuck yourselves! Er, I mean, here’s my real passport. No, no! Don’t deport me!”

***

MARTY: “I’m the all-time wins and shutouts leader! Go me!”
PATRICK ROY: “You can go fuck yourself.”
MARTY: “::Smirk::”

***

LOU: “And that completes our trade of Cam Janssen for Bryce Salvador.”
BLUES GM: “Aw, fuck me. Cam Janssen?!”

***

YANN DANIS: “Please, sir, I’d like to start.”
LEMAIRE: “Go fuck yourself.”

***

ANDREW PETERS: ::Breathes::
THE OOKIES: “You can go fuck yourself.”

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104 Career Shutouts: A Celebration In Cookies

Today we decided the very best way to honor Marty’s 104th shutout was to commemorate it in gingerbread form.

Yes, those cookies are every bit as breathtakingly awesome as the game last night was. But nothing’s too good when it comes to telling the world how great we think Marty is. Devils fans are just so lucky to have been able not only to get to see some of Marty’s career, but to have seen all of it. Really, how cool is it that when you look at a video retrospective of his career, the only sweater you see him in is the Devils? That’s our deep thought to add to the Marty discussion — we think he’s rad, and we love that he’s ours.

Meanwhile, in other gingerbread cookie news, we had a whole bunch of leftover dough after making the 104, so we cut a bunch of other holiday shapes. We aren’t really into the whole “cookie decoration” scene, so we went about adorning them with sanding sugar half-heartedly. A Christmas tree here, a glittery star there, an ax or two, and of course, some gingerbread men. After taking them out of the oven, we discovered something shocking about two of the gingerbread men:

They look exactly like CoreyPerry (CoreyPerry) and Getzi!

We swear, this was completely by accident, but seriously, isn’t it an incredible resemblance? There’s golden-haired CoreyPerry (CoreyPerry) on the left (sure, that’s supposedly a gingerbread woman, but CoreyPerry [CoreyPerry] seems like the kind of guy who enjoys wearing culottes, right?), and balding, cranky Getzi on the right.

It’s uncanny.

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Wherein IPB Is Relieved To Discover It Can Retain Its US Citizenship

We had grand plans for an hilarious post tonight in which we would take a practice citizenship test in honor of Marty becoming a US citizen today. Pookie helps a lot of patrons at the library with their practice materials for the test, and she reported that she would never pass it if she had to take it. Then we read on Fire & Ice that not many of the American Devils were able to answer many of the practice questions, so we became positive that a look at the hapless failures of Americans to understand basic civics and history would make for a riotous post.

Then we took a sample test, with 100 questions (the real test is only 10).

And we kicked that test’s ass.

It wasn’t funny at all. But on the bright side, we feel confident that we are at least as smart as Andy Greene.

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How We Spent Our Vacation: Day 2 — Hanging Out With The Devils

Boxworthy hanging out with Bernice the pigeon (or, as I just typed it, “Bernice the penguin”, which would have been pretty awesome) at Rockefeller Center. –Schn.

David Clarkson, spotted near Park Avenue. –Schn.

White, Greene, Martin, Zubrus, Parise, Egg, Maddog, and Rolston hang out in NYC. –Pk.

Sheldon Brookbank, Ken Daneyko, Scott Stevens, Colin White, Andy Greene, John Madden, and Brian Rolston, in hoity-toity roman numerals. –Schn.

Andrew Peters may suck at hockey, but he’s good at identifying street addresses. –Pk.

Marty. A very, very blurry Marty. –Pk.

We caught this building right after it attempted a wraparound. –Pk.

We saw Marty in the city and waved hello. –Pk.

Dano and Scotty keep 34th St clean. –Pk.

Applesauce! –Schn.

Zach, Zubrus, Paulie, Scottie and Dano, clockwise from the top. –Schn.

Travis showing off his Milford Academy education at work, as he blends in to this train departure board at Grand Central Station. –Schn.

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Devils @ Senators, 4/9/09: Wherein We’re Watching Something Else

The biggest news here at stately IPB Manor is that the lovely and talented and intelligent Tim sent us one of the commemorative posters from Marty Night. It’s been the only Devils-related bright spot in our lives the last few days, so we figured we would commemorate the commemoration with a little photo shoot.

We call this one “V.E. Mats Contemplates Better, Earlier Days, And Wonders Where It All Went Wrong”.

We call this one “V.E. Mats Luxuriates In The Deliciousness Of The Days When The Devils Still Remembered How To Win”.

And for shits and giggles, we took a family portrait of V.E. Mats with Pookie and Matsui.

So thanks a million, Tim, for thinking of us when trying to figure out how to dispose of your extra Marty poster! Stately IPB Manor has never looked so 552-ed up!

In other important Devils news, we will, for the first time in 14 years of Devils fandom, be watching other hockey games tonight instead of the Devils. We’ll be tivoing it, and in the highly unlikely event of a Devils win, we’ll watch it later, but dude. We saw the way this ended last year. Hockey’s supposed to be fun, and right now watching the Devils is anything but that. Here’s hoping they figure their shit out.

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