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Archive for the ‘Non-Devils’ Category

The other day we were discussing the Devils future over lunch and decided it’s time to start girding ourselves for the possibility of a Zachless existence. It sounds terrible, doesn’t it? What could possibly make that more sufferable? Well, Gentle Reader, you know us — we’re always thinking. And we’ve got a solution that will help not only the Devils but also another favorite team of ours.

If Lou can’t re-sign Zach, he should trade for Ryan Getzlaf. Seriously! We’d love to see Getzi getting to set up Kovalchuk. They’d be an unstoppable scoring machine, and if they weren’t that, then Getzi would be aimless, cranky, and his shirt would fall off a lot, which is almost as good. So, what would the Ducks want in exchange for their captain? Perhaps a return to their glory days of gooning their way to the Stanley Cup, right? Right! So, how can the Devils give them that? Two words: Boulton. Janssen.

WE KNOW! Genius.

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She buys three ducklings and doesn’t name them Bobby Ryan, Ryan Getzlaf, and CoreyPerry CoreyPerry.

If the Devils were in the Pacific Division, we could use this photo six times a year!

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Remember that time we married that tranny in Vegas? Remember how it was all, “No, we’re totally going to get a quickie divorce,” and then we kept not getting a quickie divorce? Remember how years went by and we stayed married to that tranny? Well, guess what. We’re still married to that tranny. The thing is, we married the tranny, not the tranny’s laundry. Our tranny isn’t orange anymore — she’s purple.

Goodbye, Flyers.

Hello Kings!

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Dear Looch,

How far is too far in advance to make pies for Thanksgiving?

— Colleen, Colorado Springs, CO

Dear Colleen,

Looch not eat any pies older than number of fingers Looch can count so Looch suggest not making pies more than four years before Thanksgiving. Looch think four years gives mud juuuust enough time to bake properly while still being able to scrape off rock in once piece. Colleen make Looch drool with pie question! How soon is Thanksgiving? One… Two… Three… Four… LOOCH CONFUSED!

— Looch

Dear Looch,

Sometimes my fudge turns out gritty. What am I doing wrong?

— Margaret, Waco, TX

Dear Margaret,

Looch giggle. Looch not able to stop giggling. TEE HEE HEE. Looch suggest bran muffin. TEE HEE HEE.

— Looch

Dear Looch,

Do you have any fun suggestions for egg-dying crafts that kids can enjoy?

— Terese, Syracuse, NY

Dear Terese,

Looch love eggs. Looch love dye. Looch not able to combine two loves. Looch keep smashing. Looch not mean to smash. Where pretty egg go? Looch make colorful eggshell crumble. It make Looch’s cake look like ass. But Looch’s hands look so pretty.

— Looch
Dear Looch,

Is there an easy way to remove wrinkles from sheets? Bed linens are so large, it’s hard to iron them properly.

— Helene, Grover’s Mill, ME

Dear Helene,

Why Helene scared of hard work? Hard work get Looch ahead in life. If Helene not prepared to iron big bed linens, Looch suggest Helene use small bed linens. Or Looch suggest Helene use what Looch use — night sky. Night sky never need ironing. Night sky sparkles so pretty. Night sky sparkles like shiny rocks smashed by Big Looch In Sky.

— Looch

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— For a variety of uninteresting reasons, Pookie arrived at work this morning with about 20 minutes to spare and a hankering to find videos about Beaks on YouTube. She found this:

When she sent the link to Schnookie this exchange ensued:

Pookie: I found a HILARIOUS video of Beaks and CoreyPerry CoreyPerry. Fighting in Juniors. At the end of a playoff game.
Schnookie: Oh my god.
Pookie: I was laughing out loud in my car. It was Muppet Baby Douchebags.
Schnookie: I’m honestly not sure who I’d think wins that. Of course, we’re ALL winners here.
Pookie: It was like what I imagine baby peacocks would be like if they were chimpanzees learning life skills by copying their parents.
Schnookie: (After watching the video) Oh my god. That’s a beauty. I love Beaks tossing his head. Like, I’m sure he thought, a wild stallion. He looked like Beaks of Chincoteague there. A little wild pony.

— For a variety of uninteresting reasons we ended up discussing Principal Skinner and Superintendent Chalmers during dinner tonight, which, of course, spiraled into an exchange of Simpsons quotes. When Schnookie pulled out the “how will anyone know it’s a Honda without the H?” scene, Pookie suddenly declared that Looch had eaten the H off all the Hondas he’s ever seen. Schnookie agreed, because Looch just loves to eat the letter H. Pookie then remarked, “That’s why that Bruins/Habs game was such a melee. Looch just sees all those little H’s on the sweaters…”

— Boomer made us all laugh really hard after dinner when she tried to read aloud the blurb about Nora Roberts’s upcoming release, Catching Fire, a romance novel about smokejumpers. Boomer launched into the first sentence of the blurb, “There’s little as thrilling as firefighting…” but said instead, “There’s little as thrilling as firefarting.” We still haven’t stopped shrieking with laughter. Being a grownup is grand.

— We got a crazy new fisheye lens for our camera today. VE Mats loves it.

Fisheye VE Mats

So does Rollie.

Fisheye Rollie

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It was a busy day of churn for the Devils roster today, and we’re sure the entire interwebs are on tenterhooks to hear what we think of the big changes.

— Of Paulie’s departure, we can’t muster much more than a shrug. It’s always sad when a Nation loses its emperor-god, but with Paulie, maybe he was just more of a sometime emperor-god, instead of a forever one. It was good while it lasted, and now it’s over. Adios, Paulie. (We should have seen this signing coming — Paulie’s never had any finish, what made us think he’d finish well with the Devils?)

— Of Volchenkov, we also can’t muster much more than a shrug. We had literally nothing to say about him (other than Pookie’s knee-jerk, “GAH! I hate shot-blocking d-men so much!”) until we realized something quite magical. The name “Volchenkov” sounds suspiciously like the Disco Volante, the villain’s boat from Thunderball. That means we can call our newest d-man “Disco”! For six more years! Welcome to the family, Disco!

— Of Tallinder, well… Look. We have two questions we ask every free agent who is considering signing with the Devils:

1. Are you injury prone?
2. Are you the favorite player of one of our very best friends, and will your departure from her favorite team leave her devastated?

If the player can answer yes to both of those questions, we don’t want him.

— Of hockey in general, something interesting has happened to us in the last few days. You might recall that by the end of this past season, we were in a state of massive controlled burn. We didn’t want to watch any hockey, didn’t want to hear about any hockey, didn’t want to even contemplate the concept of hockey. A long summer was just what the doctor ordered. And you know what? It’s working! We’re a few weeks away from finishing our second Project 365, and when revisiting our pictures from last fall and winter, we came across this:

A Glorious Afternoon At Stately IPB Manor

Suddenly, just like that, we’re back on board. Lazy days of watching early-season hockey and puttering on our quilting, while the cold weather does its thing outside? What could be better! Sure, the Devils are likely to be the same old stupid Devils, only with some different names in the mix, but that’s something we’ll worry about again when it’s swoonin’ season. We’re still enjoying summer, but now we’re not dragging our feet for the start of the next hockey season. We might even be… anticipating it. We never thought we’d see the day!

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We may have mentioned in this space that we have concocted consolation prizes for the inevitable moment when the Devils are no longer contending in this year’s playoffs. In the last few years, we’ve been plunged into periods of alternating rage and depression after the eliminating loss, so this year we’re prepared. We’ve both selected quilting projects that we really, really, really, really want to get started on, but have vowed that we won’t put a stitch in until the final buzzer of the Devils’ final game.

The Light At The End Of The Tunnel

Here is just a hint of the fabrics — that’s Schnookie’s “Meadowsweet” on the bottom, and a square of Pookie’s “Frolic” on the top. They will definitely soften the blow.

So today we were doing some infrastructure work on our end-of-the-playoffs projects, because you can’t start sewing pieces of quilts together until the pieces are cut out. (We’re not being negative nellies, we promise. All the little pieces that were cut out today got locked away safely where we hope to not have to use them for weeks and weeks to come.) While cutting out the square of “Frolic” seen in that photo above, Pookie suddenly gasped, “It’s a sign! Look!

Now, when we first visited Katebits in Buffalo, one of the tourist stops we made was to take a stroll in the neighborhood Crunchy lives in. We had a reasonable notion of where he lived, and had narrowed down our options to two houses that could have been his. One had a “back off, strangers” cranky-pantsy security system that even the most untrained eye could spot from 50 paces, and the other had a cute little cat statue at the front door. We assumed Crunchy’s house was the latter, because that cute little cat statue was totally a decoy. It looked like a sweet little old lady lived there, but in reality that statue shoots poison gas at trespassers.

So imagine our surprise when a closer inspection of Pookie’s fabric revealed this:

Cat Poison Statue

We’re not sure what it’s a sign of, but it’s clearly telling us something. Maybe that the Sabres are in the playoffs. Which… well, thanks, fabric, but we already knew that.

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