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Archive for the ‘Jeff Carter’ Category

If you checked out Fire & Ice today, you would have noticed that Tom Gulitti is getting daily dispatches from Zach Parise, detailing his Olympic experience. Now that TG’s unveiled his Olympic plans, we can unveil ours: we’ll be getting daily (or so) dispatches from all manner of NHLers. Today’s report comes courtesy Jeff Carter of the Flyers.

Olympics were fun. Olympics could have been more fun. Went to Vancouver, ran into Ryan Getzlaf. Wasn’t expecting him. Went to Olympic Village. It was cool. Got to my room and Ryan Getzlaf was there. That wasn’t cool. Things are crazy. Went to practice and couldn’t find my stall in the dressing room. Turns out Ryan Getzlaf was in it. Olympics could be funner.

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Dear Farts,

I’m a beautiful young woman trapped in an abusive marriage to a much older man. My husband drinks a lot, and consorts with other women, and is generally a terrible low-life. I would try to leave him, but I’m afraid he’ll kill me. What should I do?

Diana, New York NY

Dear Diana,

Wow. That sounds like you’ve got a real problem there. Um. You say your husband is older. How much older? Maybe you should just hope that his advanced age and hard-living ways will catch up to him?

–Farts

Dear Beaks,

I work in an office that’s rife with gossip. The bosses don’t do anything to discourage people talking about their colleagues behind their backs; in fact, I sometimes think the bosses encourage that kind of culture in order to better keep tabs on their reports. I otherwise like the job a lot, but I’m growing increasingly uncomfortable about all the interoffice chatter. What should I do?

Nathan, Evanston IL

Dear Nathan,

Ugh, I totally know what you’re talking about! People here are always being all per se this and per se that. My advice is, they’re going to talk about you anyway, so you might as well have fun doing it. Go out and crash a frat party or two. I’m pretty sure it won’t effect your job performance. I hope it won’t effect your job performance…

–Beaks

Dear Farts,

Your response gave me such hope that there might be a light at the end of the tunnel for me! I’m dabbing prettily at my tears right now just thinking of it. I’m really quite young and voluptuous, and I’ve made such a terrible mistake binding myself in matrimony to such a monstrous ogre. Do you really think there’s any chance that he might die soon? Because that really would solve all my problems.

Diana, New York NY

Dear Diana,

Oh no. Don’t cry. That makes me very uncomfortable. As far as I know, everybody dies. Especially mean old men. So I’m pretty sure that’s going to happen eventually for you. But, uh… when you say you’re young and voluptuous, how young and voluptuous are we talking about?

–Farts

Dear Beaks,

My young children are desperate to get a dog like all their friends, but I’m afraid they’re not responsible enough yet, and I’m not interested in the care that a dog requires. What pet would you recommend to appeal to children but be low-maintenance?

Babs, Sparta NJ

Why are you asking me? I don’t know anything about pets for small children. Oh, right, I’m kinda the advice giver heree. [Shrugs]. Just, you know, do whatever.

— Beaks

Dear Farts,

Very.

Diana, New York NY

Dear Diana,

Ulp.

–Farts

Dear Beaks,

I’m planning a wedding with my fiance, and we’ve hit an irreconcilable dispute. You see, he wants to use his grandmother’s silver napkin rings at our reception, but I’ve already picked out gold flatware. Is it okay to have clashing metals in the place settings at the reception, or will that completely doom our marriage?

Andrea, Manassas VA

Dear Andrea,

What’s the problem? You are totally making a molehill out of something small here. I mean, just have a party. With tables. And napkin rings. And flatware. Like, just relax. I don’t see a problem. It’s napkin rings and flatware. It’s not a problem.

–Beaks

Dear Farts,

So can you help me? Can you help me find a way out of my marriage?

Diana, New York NY

Dear Diana,

Yes. Yes I can. But you have to promise me that in the very unlikely event that anyone figures out I was the one responsible for, uh, solving your problem, that you’ll confess everything to the police.

–Farts

Dear Beaks,

Remember that time with that girl and her husband and the murder and all that? Remember that? I, um… think I may have done it again. Help?

Farts, Sing Sing NY

Dear Farts,

Sorry, I’m in the Bahamas with this hot chick, Diana. I’ll see what I can do for you when I get back.

–Beaks

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