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Archive for the ‘Paul Martin’ Category

It was a busy day of churn for the Devils roster today, and we’re sure the entire interwebs are on tenterhooks to hear what we think of the big changes.

— Of Paulie’s departure, we can’t muster much more than a shrug. It’s always sad when a Nation loses its emperor-god, but with Paulie, maybe he was just more of a sometime emperor-god, instead of a forever one. It was good while it lasted, and now it’s over. Adios, Paulie. (We should have seen this signing coming — Paulie’s never had any finish, what made us think he’d finish well with the Devils?)

— Of Volchenkov, we also can’t muster much more than a shrug. We had literally nothing to say about him (other than Pookie’s knee-jerk, “GAH! I hate shot-blocking d-men so much!”) until we realized something quite magical. The name “Volchenkov” sounds suspiciously like the Disco Volante, the villain’s boat from Thunderball. That means we can call our newest d-man “Disco”! For six more years! Welcome to the family, Disco!

— Of Tallinder, well… Look. We have two questions we ask every free agent who is considering signing with the Devils:

1. Are you injury prone?
2. Are you the favorite player of one of our very best friends, and will your departure from her favorite team leave her devastated?

If the player can answer yes to both of those questions, we don’t want him.

— Of hockey in general, something interesting has happened to us in the last few days. You might recall that by the end of this past season, we were in a state of massive controlled burn. We didn’t want to watch any hockey, didn’t want to hear about any hockey, didn’t want to even contemplate the concept of hockey. A long summer was just what the doctor ordered. And you know what? It’s working! We’re a few weeks away from finishing our second Project 365, and when revisiting our pictures from last fall and winter, we came across this:

A Glorious Afternoon At Stately IPB Manor

Suddenly, just like that, we’re back on board. Lazy days of watching early-season hockey and puttering on our quilting, while the cold weather does its thing outside? What could be better! Sure, the Devils are likely to be the same old stupid Devils, only with some different names in the mix, but that’s something we’ll worry about again when it’s swoonin’ season. We’re still enjoying summer, but now we’re not dragging our feet for the start of the next hockey season. We might even be… anticipating it. We never thought we’d see the day!

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EEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE!!!!!!!!!!!!! There are full-blown riots of joy happening all across the formerly lost civilization of PaulieMartinNation, as its emperor-god is back! WOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!!!!!!!!! We never thought we’d see the day!

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We feel like we’ve been very divorced from the Devils lately, what with missing the Islanders game on MLK Day, then being out late this Friday and Saturday for the Montreal and Islanders (redux) games. Maybe absence makes the heart grow fonder, though? Probably not. Anyway, here’s our take on the state of the Devils, as seen from far, far away.

1. EJGRgunner made the great point after last night’s game that Zach has apparently taken the Fuck This Shit torch from Langer. And Langer has given it up without a fight. The “C” might still be on Langer’s sweater, but the true Captain Fuck This Shit of the Devils is now Zach. This doesn’t really come as a surprise, considering that Zach is ten times the player Langer is, but still. It merits mention that, from a million miles away where we’re standing, it seems to have happened this week.

2. We may or may not have mentioned in this space that we are participating in a group project on Flickr called sixty-four colors, where the assignment is to take pictures of a specific color every week, as chosen by random draw from a box of 64 Crayola crayons. This week (our first in the project), the color was sea green. Now, we assumed we’d fail, because who the hell ever sees anything that’s sea green? As it turns out, though, as soon as you start looking, there’s sea green everywhere. Likewise, ever since Zubrus got hurt we’ve moved Mike Mottau to the top of our list of guys we are most likely to forget are Devils. We never, ever, ever noticed him. Then, a couple weeks ago, Pam mentioned in the comments here that he was the player she was most eagerly anticipating getting to the end of his contract. Since then, the only thing we can ever see about the Devils is how much he sucks. Mike Mottau being a terrible hockey player is like the sea green of the NHL.

3. As has been well-documented here, we’re pretty down on the whole NHL-involvment-in-the-Olympics thing. One of the reasons why is we’re always very sure a key Devil is going to get hurt playing in what is essentially an all-star exhibition tournament.* This year we were getting big time vibes that Elias was going to be the one to pull a groin or get a high ankle sprain or break a forearm (which in our experience is the most horrible, unhealable hockey injury ever). So what do the hockey gods do? They go and give Patty a concussion well before the all-star exhibition tournament even starts so we can’t even blame it on the stupid old Olympics. (*We’re all about all-star exhibition tournaments, just not when they interrupt the regular NHL season; if the NHL brought back the World Cup we’d be first in line to buy tickets. OK, maybe not buy tickets, but we’d be all over watching it. Think about it, NHL. You know you want us being all over watching hockey in the summertime.)

4. Speaking of the most horrible, unhealable hockey injuries ever, we miss Paulie Martin. The Devils are pretty good at initially recovering from going down a key player, but it’s like everyone’s decided Paulie is never, ever walking through that door ever again, so it’s not worth trying to play well until he comes back.

5. Is anyone even sure Yann Danis is still alive? Because it seems to us like maybe he died by accident a month or so ago, and the Devils just don’t want anyone to know. They’re being all like, “Oh, he’s still with the team. He’s still an important part of the team! He’s totally alive and a key player on our roster. He’s gonna play tonight, in fact. That’s how alive and part of this team he is. Playing tonight. For reals. Totally.” Then, an hour later, they’re like, “Uh, he, uh… got stuck in traffic. He’s not gonna be able to play tonight. Um… *shifty eyes*… he’ll be back tomorrow. Or the day after. Something like that.”

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APPLEBEES HOSTESS: “I’m sorry, sir, but you can’t eat here without pants. It’s a policy put in by the corporate heads.”
PAULIE: “Well they can go fuck themselves!”

***

OFFICIAL HOCKEY HALL OF FAME STATISTICIAN: “I’m afraid ‘plastic star’ is not an officially recognized award.”
ZACH: “You can go fuck yourself!”

***

GROCERY STORE BAGGER: “There are no more plastic bags. You’re going to have to take paper.”
LANGER: “You can go fuck yourself!”

***

ART STORE CLERK: “Nope, we don’t have block crayons. Only stick ones.”
TRAVIS: “You can go fudge yourself!”

***

ANDY GREENE: “Uh, there isn’t an all-star game this year. The NHL is participating in the Olympics instead.”
STAN FISCHLER & RICH CHERE: “They can go fuck themselves!”
ANDY GREENE: “Word.”

***

US BORDER GUARD: “ClarksonNation is not recognized by the United State of America. This ‘passport’ has booked you a one way ticket to the detention room, mister!”
CLARKSON: “You and your ‘real’ nation can go fuck yourselves! Er, I mean, here’s my real passport. No, no! Don’t deport me!”

***

MARTY: “I’m the all-time wins and shutouts leader! Go me!”
PATRICK ROY: “You can go fuck yourself.”
MARTY: “::Smirk::”

***

LOU: “And that completes our trade of Cam Janssen for Bryce Salvador.”
BLUES GM: “Aw, fuck me. Cam Janssen?!”

***

YANN DANIS: “Please, sir, I’d like to start.”
LEMAIRE: “Go fuck yourself.”

***

ANDREW PETERS: ::Breathes::
THE OOKIES: “You can go fuck yourself.”

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Dear people who have dropped Paulie Martin from their fantasy teams,

You’re on notice.

Myra.

Love,
Pookie

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We haven’t done much to hide the fact that, for the first few weeks of this season, we haven’t really been paying very close attention. At the very outset it’s all just a blur of fuzzy, happy “hockey’s back!” vibes for us, and since then we’ve been anticipating and then participating in Patty Party. So now that Patty’s back (In Dallas) we’re ready to hunker down and take some stock of the hockey landscape. Here are some of our thoughts:

— *Meow Mix jingle*

— We really liked that the Devils won fairly deliciously in Pittsburgh last night.

— We really, really liked that in addition to the old reliable players like Brodeur and Parise, the keys to the win included fresh faces like Bergfors, Egg, and Fraser. Let the youth movement begin! Or, at the very least, let the young players continue to score fluke goals against a kinda shaky Fleury.

— We really do not like that the delicious win in Pittsburgh came at the expense of Pando and Paulie. All kidding aside, the Devils are a markedly worse team without Paulie than they are with him. All kidding front and center, that’s saying a lot, because even with him, they’re awful. No, really, just kidding. Now, we are not surprised that it was Butthead who broke Paulie, because that’s just the sort of thing Butthead does. We already had his name engraved indelibly in the ledger of officials enemies of PaulieMartinNation, and now his name is being added again. What surprised us, though, was that it was Rupp who broke Pando. Of all the guys PandoNation thought we’d have to add to our ledger of official enemies, Rupp was probably the last one we’d have considered. We mean, we rode in an elevator with him once, and he seemed so jolly and nice! Turns out we were lucky to get out of that elevator alive.

— Based on current trends in the NHL’s injury-reporting system, we can predict already what the prognosis is for Pando and Paulie: they’re both going to be out for “weeks”. This “weeks” thing is even more annoying that the “upper/lower-body injury” thing. Just give us a window, okay? Or someone make clear now that “weeks” means “less than five weeks, because once we get to five, we’d be saying ‘month(s)'”.

— Based on current trends in the NHL standings, we can predict that our preseason choice of the Ducks for the Presidents Trophy might be wrong. Might.

— Based on current trends of the first nine games of the Devils season, our preseason prediction of Lemaire being a terrible choice for the new head coach might be wrong. Might. We might not currently hate him. Might.

— Based on his performance so far this season, Brian Rolston is the almost certainly the single worst hockey player to ever lace ’em up. Almost certainly.

— Based on his performance so far this season, Travis Zajac might be super-dreamy. AcornsNation is so proud to have splintered off from PandoNation after annexing those western territories. Especially now that Pando is surely out for “weeks”.

— Based on the performance of the Devils in last year’s playoffs, we are never, ever, ever going to look at current trends and try to extrapolate them into some sort of prediction, though. So we’re just saying that nine games in, we like the Lemaire hiring, hate Rolston, and swoon for Acorns. Of course, 58 minutes and 40 seconds into Game 7 against Carolina, we thought the Devils were going to advance to the second round, so make of all of this what you will.

— We have absolutely no idea how the landscape of the NHL looks right now. Because we think looking at the standings this early in the season is stupid (other than to be cognizant that our Anaheim Presidents Trophy vigil can probably be called off), we don’t know what anyone else’s record is. And because the NHL thinks it’s really cute to keep scheduling all 30 teams to play at the same time on the same night, we don’t ever watch any teams other than the Devils (and in the last week, the Stars).

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Boxworthy and Bernice

Boxworthy hanging out with Bernice the pigeon (or, as I just typed it, “Bernice the penguin”, which would have been pretty awesome) at Rockefeller Center. –Schn.

David Clarkson

David Clarkson, spotted near Park Avenue. –Schn.

A Bevy of Devils

White, Greene, Martin, Zubrus, Parise, Egg, Maddog, and Rolston hang out in NYC. –Pk.

Grand Central Clock

Sheldon Brookbank, Ken Daneyko, Scott Stevens, Colin White, Andy Greene, John Madden, and Brian Rolston, in hoity-toity roman numerals. –Schn.

Andrew Peters

Andrew Peters may suck at hockey, but he’s good at identifying street addresses. –Pk.

Marty Brodeur

Marty. A very, very blurry Marty. –Pk.

David Clarkson

We caught this building right after it attempted a wraparound. –Pk.

Marty and the Ookies

We saw Marty in the city and waved hello. –Pk.

Dano and Scotty

Dano and Scotty keep 34th St clean. –Pk.

Mike Mottau

Applesauce! –Schn.

Zach, Zubrus, Paulie, Scottie, Dano

Zach, Zubrus, Paulie, Scottie and Dano, clockwise from the top. –Schn.

Travis Zajac

Travis showing off his Milford Academy education at work, as he blends in to this train departure board at Grand Central Station. –Schn.

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