Archive for the ‘Ryan Getzlaf’ Category

The other day we were discussing the Devils future over lunch and decided it’s time to start girding ourselves for the possibility of a Zachless existence. It sounds terrible, doesn’t it? What could possibly make that more sufferable? Well, Gentle Reader, you know us — we’re always thinking. And we’ve got a solution that will help not only the Devils but also another favorite team of ours.

If Lou can’t re-sign Zach, he should trade for Ryan Getzlaf. Seriously! We’d love to see Getzi getting to set up Kovalchuk. They’d be an unstoppable scoring machine, and if they weren’t that, then Getzi would be aimless, cranky, and his shirt would fall off a lot, which is almost as good. So, what would the Ducks want in exchange for their captain? Perhaps a return to their glory days of gooning their way to the Stanley Cup, right? Right! So, how can the Devils give them that? Two words: Boulton. Janssen.

WE KNOW! Genius.


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She buys three ducklings and doesn’t name them Bobby Ryan, Ryan Getzlaf, and CoreyPerry CoreyPerry.

If the Devils were in the Pacific Division, we could use this photo six times a year!

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Olympics are fun. Oops, my trading pins fell off. Olympics could have been funner. Shirt could have fallen off, too.

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Today we decided the very best way to honor Marty’s 104th shutout was to commemorate it in gingerbread form.


Yes, those cookies are every bit as breathtakingly awesome as the game last night was. But nothing’s too good when it comes to telling the world how great we think Marty is. Devils fans are just so lucky to have been able not only to get to see some of Marty’s career, but to have seen all of it. Really, how cool is it that when you look at a video retrospective of his career, the only sweater you see him in is the Devils? That’s our deep thought to add to the Marty discussion — we think he’s rad, and we love that he’s ours.

Meanwhile, in other gingerbread cookie news, we had a whole bunch of leftover dough after making the 104, so we cut a bunch of other holiday shapes. We aren’t really into the whole “cookie decoration” scene, so we went about adorning them with sanding sugar half-heartedly. A Christmas tree here, a glittery star there, an ax or two, and of course, some gingerbread men. After taking them out of the oven, we discovered something shocking about two of the gingerbread men:

CoreyPerry and Getzi

They look exactly like CoreyPerry (CoreyPerry) and Getzi!

We swear, this was completely by accident, but seriously, isn’t it an incredible resemblance? There’s golden-haired CoreyPerry (CoreyPerry) on the left (sure, that’s supposedly a gingerbread woman, but CoreyPerry [CoreyPerry] seems like the kind of guy who enjoys wearing culottes, right?), and balding, cranky Getzi on the right.

December 22 2009

It’s uncanny.

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1. …The Flyers. We guess it wasn’t the coaching that was the problem.

2. … Fantasy Hockey. If Pookie picks up Anaheim’s Dan Sexton for her fantasy team, will people start calling him “Big Soxy”?

3. …Diving. The suggestion that a diving penalty should negate any infraction that may have prompted the player to dive in the first place is asinine. Pookie came up with a pretty solid analogy in the discussion about this topic on TWC the other day: “If I t-bone your car at a stop sign and then you pretend to have suffered whiplash and falsely report it to the insurance company, am I suddenly no longer guilty of reckless driving?” Honestly. Since when is causing his team to lose a power play opportunity not considered a fair punishment for a player who dives after being hooked/tripped/held/whatever?

4. … All-Star Superskills. Yeah, we’re thinking about all of the most relevant issues today. Why? Because we’re drunk. Anyway, the NHL gave it two seasons, but we think it’s very safe to say that the “Slam Dunk” contest just isn’t cutting it. Meanwhile, every year everyone loves the accuracy shooting and hardest shot. We believe the NHL would be wise to liven up the Superskills by making every All-Star choose whether he’d prefer to do accuracy shooting or hardest shot. Forget the less exciting events like the puck relay and the incredibly lame “Slam Dunk” contest (we’ll give Alex Ovechkin one thing — if anyone would be capable of making that contest exciting it would be him. He couldn’t. Ergo, the contest is hopeless.), and make the entire event a smorgasbord of people shooting at targets with varying — and fascinating! — levels of skill. Now that is something people would talk about. (We’d keep fastest skater, but after being scarred for life being seeing Zach Parise participate, we’d like to see that event kept to just the guys who are actually fast skaters.)

5. …Blogging About The All-Star Game During An Olympic Year. When you’re compiling a list of the top ASG moments of the last 10 years, is it time to admit your “10 best of the last decade” theme is perhaps getting stretched a little thin? And if you’re spending a hour during dinner discussing how you’d make the ASG superskills better, is it time to admit you’ve had too much to drink?

6. …Our Imagined Feud Between Ryan Getzlaf And Brian Burke. For some reason, every time we watch the Ducks (which is shockingly often, considering how shitty they are this year), we end up spending the entire game shouting all kinds of threats and insults in our Getzi voices at an unseen Brian Burke. It’s generally stuff where Getzi would be reacting to something happening during the game, like saying, “BURKIE! Why didn’t you give me the puck there on that power play? I would have SCORED, Burkie!” or whatnot. So the other night, the Getzi rantings started (started??) spiraling out of control, and the Wino Kokopelli came into play.

Wait, backing up a sec — have we told you about the Wino Kokopelli yet, Gentle Reader? If not, here’s the story. After spending a few years living in the Southwest, Schnookie reached her breaking point with the omnipresent kokopelli motif. That stupid thing is everywhere out there, people. And she’s got no beef with the spirit of the thing, but the aesthetic just annoys her. So about midway through last season, Pookie found a video featuring Getzi giving an hilarious tour of his house (seriously, Getzi seems to be a bit of a nester. He’s very proud of his home decor. And his backyard tiki hut. That’s not a euphemism), and in it, Getzi proudly shows off this monstrosity:

Yeah, that’s a wrought-iron kokopelli wine bottle holder, that he has hanging in his dining room. He says he got it at a “swap meet at the fairgrounds”. (See why we love Getzi so much?) Schnookie was horrified. And mortified. And the wino kokopelli quickly became an essential part of the Getzi legend here at stately IPB Manor.

So back to the other evening where we were riffing on the Getzi/Burkie feud. This was the exchange we had, late in the lackluster game:

Pookie (as Getzi): “Don’t make me send my wino kokopelli after you, Burkie!”
Schnookie (as Getzi), quoting The Cutting Edge: “It’ll take them a month to count the wino kokopelli marks up your back!”
Boomer (as Getzi): “And it’ll take them a month to count the flute marks up your front.”

Well, we can’t top that.

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Okay, 25 years ago our grandfather, who was not renowned for his giddy sense of humor, was given the task of putting the pink peacock ornament on the top of our Christmas tree.


The peacock, many years after the events in question.

The two of us, 6 and 8 years old at the time, were especially eager to see the tree finished off with its sparkly pink topper, but our grandfather was in no rush. We bothered at him to hurry up, but he told us the peacock needed to warm up first. He then proceeded, presumably as the peacock, to sing songs from Carmen (from what we learned about him as adults, we can only assume this came from our grandfather probably just having those tunes stuck indelibly in his head at the time), but with lyrics that only a 6- and 8-year-old could find hilarious:

Toreador, toreador
I’ll tell you how
To kill Mr. Cow

And, creating even more of an impression of brilliant comedic stylings on us:

I lost my shirt
I lost my shirt
I won’t be happy til I find my shirt

Other than the fact that we have argued about which childhood home we were living in at the time of this particular Christmas, we both remember the Carmen-singing peacock vividly.

So, fast-forward to present-day, on a lazy, listless evening watching a game on the Ducks broadcast. When a commercial for an Andrea Bocelli concert and his upcoming Christmas album comes on, we have this exchange:

Pookie: Getzi can’t wait for this concert.
Schnookie: Yeah. He’s like, [in her Getzi voice] “I love opera singers who don’t put any emotion or meaning into the songs they sing. I like opera singers who just belt.”
Pookie: Yeah.
Schnookie: That’s how Getzi sings. He has the voice of an angel.
Pookie: [Completely cracking up, singing in her Getzi voice] “I lost my shirt/I lost my shirt/I won’t be happy til I find my shirt!”
[We both collapse in hysterical laughter.]
Pookie: And THAT is bringing it home. It only took 25 years, but it was worth it.

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Dear Getzi,

My great aunt enjoys giving me excess food from her garden. Most of the time this is welcome, but every summer she insists on giving me bushels of cucumbers. I have tried telling her that no one in my family enjoys eating them, but every year there she is giving us more. Do you have any suggestions of what I should do?

Betty, Monsey NY

Dear Betty,

I hear that cucumbers can be used as stain removers. I don’t know if it works but oops! I just spilled my red wine all over your shirt. Now you’ll just have to take that wet shirt off so I can put a cucumber all over it.

— Getzi

Dear Getzi,

My fiancee and I have been planning our wedding for almost a year now. It’s always been her dream to get married in Mexico. A year ago it seemed like a cheap way to have a destination wedding so I agreed with her plan. But as the big day is creeping closer, I’m getting increasing nervous about the safety of having our friends and families going to such an unstable country for our wedding. Do you think I should express my concerns now and risk upsetting Renee, or should I trust her that the reports on the news are overblown?

Pete, Austin TX

Dear Pete,

That fiancee is putting you in a real tough spot, man, what with all that international politics and shit. She’s probably not worth it. I think you should break it off because who wants to be tied down when you can be running free? I can see how you might be nervous about telling her you’re getting cold feet, so just give her my number. I’ll talk to her. Isn’t that right, Rennie baby. What’s that, baby? Renee? Whatever, baby, whatever. Hey, look, my shirt fell off.

— Getzi

Dear Getzi,

My wife is getting really upset me with simply because I prefer, when in the comfort of my own home, to go nude. I was raised by very conservative parents, in a very stifling environment. Now that I’m a successful adult with my own life and my own house, I think I should be able to live by whatever rules I set. Shouldn’t my wife understand that I’m just happier to not have to wear a shirt at home?

Orel, Pocatello ID


Rock on, brother. Rock on.

— Getzi

Dear Getzi,

Are electric toothbrushes better than regular ones?

Kelly, Erie PA

Dear Kelly,

I don’t know what you’re talking about.


Dear Getzi,

My office has weekly meetings at which one coworker keeps bringing donuts. I appreciate the food, but I’m not a big fan of donuts. Would it be rude of me to ask if he could bring bagels instead?

Marlene, Rockford IL

Dear Marlene,

Here’s what I would do if I were you. I’d go into my boss’s office, take off my shirt, sit at his desk, put my feet up, pick up the phone, and call my boss. On his own phone. When he finally figures out how to answer his own phone when I’m calling him from it, I would then demand that my boss have the donuts changed to bagels. With champagne. And demand a raise. Then I’d tell him to move his stuff out, because his office is mine now. If my boss was a woman, I’d also tell her to take off her blouse.


Dear Getzi,

With all the scary news in the world today, I’m thinking I should have an emergency preparedness kit in my home or car. What should I put in it?

Angela, Paterson NJ

Dear Angela,

Being ready for emergency situations is a really important thing, and something we should all take seriously. My emergency preparedness kit is something I keep with me at all times, just in case of a sudden, unexpected nuclear apocalypse. I also have a plan of action, something I practice regularly so it will be easy to undertake even when I’m panicking. The action is that my shirt will oops! fall off. And my preparedness kit is CoreyPerry. I figure if there’s no food in this nightmare world, I can just eat him. Of course, he thinks I make him go everywhere with me because we’re “friends” — in a situation like that, it’s probably best not to tell the person that you’re just keeping them around for food.


Dear Getzi,

I sometimes get the sneaking suspicion that my best friend only keeps me around to be food in case of dire emergency. Am I crazy?

Corey, Anaheim CA

Dear Corey,

Yes. That’s the craziest thing I’ve ever heard.


Dear Getzi,

Corey Perry.

— Corey, Anaheim CA

Dear Corey,

I’m not saying it.

— Getzi

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