WOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!!!!! Can you feel the excitement? Can you feel the star power? Can you? Can you? Because it’s ALL-STAR TIME! Doc’s intro, singling out the biggest and brightest names, is hilariously short of actual big and bright names. It’s like he’s saying, “Come see the high-scoring Ovechkin, the dazzlingly talented Vinny Lecavalier, the, um, tall Zdeno Chara… and, um, the… uh… well, Rick Nash scored a really pretty goal a few weeks ago. Sigh.”
Eddie’s suit is SO BAD. Who told him a charcoal suit with pink pin stripes was a good idea? That person should be fired. Anyway, we cut to commercial before the suit can make our eyeballs turn to ash, and when we come back there’s some musical act on the ice. Doc says their name, and Schnookie asks, “Who?” Pookie: “The Hives? The Hibes? I don’t know.” We get a close-up of them, and Pookie shrieks, “They look like a band of Chris Prongers! They’re all wearing Philip Seymour Hoffman boarding school movie suits!” You know what makes us feel like old ladies? When we see whatever awful act the NHL ropes into performing at the All-Star Game. And we sit in front of our muted television in stunned silence, wondering if this is what the kids are listening to these days. Pookie ponders aloud, “I wonder if they wear those outfits all the time? And do their fans wear matching outfits to their concerts?” Note to the Hives’ stylists: we muted as soon as we saw the suits. If they’d not been wearing those suits, we might have given them a chance. Not a good sartorial choice, Hives. Very poorly played.
During the WC team introduction, Schnookie announces, “Ed Jovonovski looks like he is beaming into my living room from 1996.” He is just a constant blast from the past.
When the camera pans over Arnott, Pookie says, “Ugh. He doesn’t look like he’s wearing clothes under his clothes.” Pause. Schnookie: “And he’s really a guy who should wear clothes under his clothes.”
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Well, here it is, perhaps the most challenging hockey engagement of the year to try to diarize – that’s right: All-Star Saturday! We’re staring down the barrel of the Young Stars game and the SuperSkills, two events that could be completely awesome, but are seriously undermined by the fact that there is a dearth of hot players on this year’s All-Star rosters. Oh, right, did we mention that when it comes to the SuperSkills we make like the event itself and toss all actual sense of “hockey” out the door? Yeah, we’ll be unabashed fangirls for this evening, and it should be stated for the record, we’re depressed fangirls because the pickings are slim. Thanks, ugly NHLers, for being the All-Stars this year.
— Our intro is uninspiring. Ovechkin? Lecavalier? Chara? Iginla? Nash? Lidstrom? These guys are not hott! (Pookie insists that Nash is highlighted as a player on the EC team, “because I refuse to believe that Columbus is in the west.”)
— Doc and Eddie lead things off by talking about their favorite events. Doc says fastest skater, and Eddie says “the target shooting”. We are in agreement that accuracy shooting is the sexiest event (Pookie: “You heard it here first.”) and hardest shot is the least sexy.
— We go to Chris in the dressing room with Lidstrom. Pookie, keeping a running tally: “Not hot. Oh! Getzi!” Getzi is, indeed visible in the background, pulling on his sweater and rocking his rapidly-expanding bald spot. We are strangely very attracted to the bald spot. VS then kicks us to the EC dressing room where we are interviewing the decidedly not-hot Ovechkin. However, the Getzi Of The East, Jason “Yayson” Spezza, is in the background in his stupid crushed-velvet camo underarmour shirt, looking flummoxed by the arrangement of the equipment in his stall. Okay, so that’s a look at two of the three IPB Official All-Star Hotties (Clarkson being the third). Has VS blown its wad here, or is this a sign of things to come?
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So we promised a diary of “Sidney Crosby: Revealed”, so here it is!
— This whole thing kicks off ignominiously, with a placard that reads, “In the Toughest Sport on ICE…” What’s with the all-caps for “ICE”? It reminds Pookie of a blog she found today, The “Blog” of “Unnecessary” Quotation Marks.
— Interspersed with all the dramatic shots of Sid trying not to look dopey standing next to a big block of dummy ice is the title screen “What would it be like to redefine a sport?” Dramatic shot of Sid again. “Ask him.” We didn’t have to watch this all the way through to know Sid wasn’t going to tell us what it’s like. What surprised us was that VS didn’t really bother asking. But we digress…
— Oh, Al Trautwig narration, how you make us think we’re watching Olympic cross-country skiing.
— Al intones seriously that Sid is so awesome, so fantabulous, so much better than expectations (true enough), but then he says that “In his own words, through his own eyes,” Sid will now share his life story. Pookie says in her Sid voice, “I was born a poor black man…”
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