Archive for the ‘Secondary Teams’ Category

Gentle Reader, we have a confession to make. This past season, we felt that we left most of our best material as bloggers off IPB, because most of it wasn’t about the Devils. During the dog days of the March swoon, we wailed to our closest friends that we’d let our blog get bogged down with our repetitive complaints about a team that didn’t interest us much, while we were riffing in endless, giggling fashion about things unrelated to the team we were supposed to care most about. We frequently told ourselves, on evenings when we couldn’t think of a thing to say, “If only we could write about [a certain other team we got accused of writing about too much anyway]!” So today we discovered this extravagantly awkward and wooden tour of the Palms hotel by Mike “Beaker” “Beaks” Richards and his nurse shoes.

And the floodgates opened, as we gchatted away while Pookie was at work. As you can see from the transcript below, we were probably smart to keep this all to ourselves all season.

(Now, we have been planning for months to go to Montreal for the Draft, but our plans have been derailed in the last few days thanks to our inability to obtain tickets. We were considering becoming bitter about or jealous of the bloggers at SB Nation who are going to be fully credentialed at the Draft, but, well… If we were the kinds of bloggers who get to go to the Draft, we’d never be able to indulge ourselves with posts like this. And surely the world is a better place for us hitting “publish” on this.)

Schnookie: I’m watching Beaks now.

Pookie: Ooh, I won’t interrupt.

Schnookie: Beaks is such a whore!

His tourguide style was hilarious!

“Hi. I’m Beaks. For $25,000 a night.” *Looks awkward* “You get the master suite jacuzzi.”

Pookie: Yup!

Schnookie: He looked so chunky, though. He looked dumpy. Hippy.

Pookie: I KNOW! I didn’t want to say anything but I was like, “His outfit is NOT flattering.”

Schnookie: No, he looked shaped like Greg Maddux. I think it was the nurse shoes. Poor Beaks.

Pookie: And how about the faux I-don’t-know-what “peace out” at the end?

Schnookie: What the fuck was that???? And he’s a REALLY shitty bowler.

Pookie: I assumed his bowling was affected by his shoulder surgery. That video was filmed like four weeks ago.

Schnookie: Oh, right. Beaks is normally a champion bowler.

I loved that his approach to bowling was as stiff and weak as his line delivery. “Now I am. Going to bowl.” *Stiffly tosses ball with a minimum of bodily movement* Pause *Cracks up* “Not good.”

Pookie: Yeah. The whole thing was….

But hey! It’s Beaks!

Schnookie: I better watch it again.

Pookie: That’s what I said.

Schnookie: The hockey highlights are making me sad. I miss it!

Pookie: I thought the same thing. Sigh.

Schnookie: I love that for $25,000 a night, my five closest friends can sleep in murphy beds in Vegas.

Pookie: I KNOW! And “play hoops with [their] boys”.

Schnookie: I’m sorry he didn’t try to dunk. Paulie: “Me too.”

I would have DIED laughing if they’d made him try sinking a shot.

Pookie: [Busy doing work stuff, being at work and all.]

Schnookie: They probably did. Ten hours later, he’s like, “I just had shoulder surgery! I swear when I’m healthy I can do this!”

Or better yet, he was like, “Oh, I’d love to take a shot! That’ll be a nice bit to add to the clip!” *Goes to throw a two-handed underhand shot* Director: “Cut! Cut! What are you DOING?” Beaks: “I’m not cleared to throw overhand yet.”

Pookie: Don’t make me crack up here!

Schnookie: Paulie, popping up from behind one of the murphy beds: “Also, he learned everything he knows about ballin’ from me.”



Pookie: “Like that the hoop is called a ‘net’.”

Schnookie: Beaks: “What he means is that he throws two-handed underhand.”

Paulie: “And that I ball a lot.”

Pookie: DON’T make me laugh!

Schnookie: Beaks: “That’s not a euphemism.”

Paulie: “No. It’s not. What else WOULD it mean?”

Beaks: *SMIRK* “I don’t need a two-handed underhand to win at THAT kind of ballin’.” Pause. “Unless she wants it.”

Loops: “Or he. Unless he wants it.”

Beaks: “You are NOT invited to be one of my ballin’ boys.”

Loops: “Peace out, yo.”

Paulie: “Quit making b-ball sound dirty! It’s pure and good!”

Beaks: “If that’s the case, why aren’t you wearing shorts?”

Paulie: “I never said the Golden Gopher was pure and good.” DUNK!

AAAAND… scene.

Pookie: I… don’t have enough “:”s in the world.

Although now I’m scared of the Golden Gopher.


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We’ve discussed a few times this season how important having secondary teams is to us, and even though we’re enjoying the Devils and our secondary Tranny Brides quite a bit so far this season, it has recently seemed prudent to expand our horizons. After much deliberation, we tentatively decided to accept the Bruins as our Tranny Gentleman Callers, and despite the fact that they promptly suffered a rash of grievous injuries and started losing games left and right, we think they might stick. We watched yesterday’s Bruins/Blues game on tivo delay, and spent most of the time discussing the things we like enough about them to support a possible secondary-team relationship. Here, in no particular order, are some of our thoughts.

Lucic: The bomb.

Chara: The bomb.

Mark Stuart: Hott.

Kreijci: We love him. Schnookie had her reservations, because his name always seems to be spoken in Jack Edwards’s voice, but ultimately, our love is unconditional. Plus, it often sounds like his name is actually “Crunchy”, which means he probably grows his own loofahs.

Sobotka: CANS! We don’t know his number, don’t know whether he’s a forward or a defenseman, don’t know if he’s any good, and don’t know his first name. And we don’t want to know. But we love him, because CANS! (We figure since we’ve seen Season 2 of “The Wire”, we know what he looks like.)

Blake Wheeler: His name is the opposite of Jon Sim or Joffrey Lupul, in that he just sounds foxalicious and not at all annoying. He might very well be heinous and staggeringly annoying, but how would we ever know?

Tim Thomas: Look at that hobo! He’s killing a bar! With his bare hands! And… is that… is that… yoga???

Bitz: Dude. Just… Dude. His name is actually Bitz. His nickname is actually Bitzie. If he had a Tim Horton’s munchkin named after him it would be a Bitzbits. And if munchkins could produce their own smaller donut-holes, it would be a Bitziebitsie. Boston loves them some Dunkin Donuts, right? Get on that, Boston!

The Boston Arena: We went there once, a few years ago, to watch the Devils give up four goals to Marty Lapointe. Yeah, that Marty Lapointe. And yeah, those Devils. It was… awful. And we made merciless fun of Bruins fans for years afterward because of two things — one, they had this Smokey the Bear graphic on the jumbotron to whip the crowd into a frenzy, but his method of frenzy-whipping is to intone in a deep, inducing-a-cult-to-mass-suicide-or-human-sacrifice voice a dirge-like “Here we go Bruins, here we go”. And two, they are encouraged by the goal announements to cheer B’s goals with short, high-pitched, distinctly feminine “woo!”s. After a win, the fans slowly surge out of the arena, at a Smokey-approved pace, doing call and response “woo!”s. It’s really, really weird. But, now that we’ve got some time and space between us and those four Lapointe goals, it’s also kind of hilarious. *woo!*

NESN’s HD feed: This is what HD was invented for. Back when Jessica Fletcher mentioned HD being the future of TV on an episode of “Murder, She Wrote” (true story; we saw it with our own eyes), this was what she was talking about. We’ve seen a lot of team’s broadcasts, and we gotta say, there’s something about the overhead shot of the spoked-wheel on face-offs that makes our hockey-in-HD lovin’ hearts swoon. *swoon!*

Spokey The Bear: They almost named their mascot Spokey. We can love them now because we just pretend that’s what they actually decided to do.

Jack Edwards and Andy Brickley: You can’t fight City Hall.

Our Trip To Cambridge Six Years Ago: Back when we were living in Arizona, we launched ourselves on a trip back east to plan for sure that we wanted to move back to New Jersey. Along the way, we decided to stop in for a few days without pseudo-sister and beloved friend Jen, who lives in Cambridge. (It was on this trip that we caught the four Lapointe goals.) It was March, and the end of a hard New England winter; much to our delight, it snowed while we were there. Everyone else in the entire city was clearly pissed that it was snowing, but we’d spent the previous few years literally in the desert, and we were homesick for the east coast, and we were on vacation from our crappy, dead-end jobs, and we spent a day walking around Cambridge in a storybook-perfect snowfall just brimming with that feeling we like to call Newer, Better Life. It was one of those absolutely, completely, utterly perfect days, and after wandering in the snow, and stopping for hot cocoa at a coffee shop, and feeling like we were finally home after a long journey in foreign lands, we hunkered down in Jen’s cozy living room, watching a snowy evening fall. It doesn’t get better than that, and there’s something about watching Bruins games on NESN that makes us feel like that again.

They Have A Prospect Named Wacey Rabbit!: Need we say more? Cal Clutterbuck wishes his name was Wacey Rabbit! Wacey Rabbit, Wacey Rabbit, Wacey Rabbit — no matter how many times you say it, it sounds like the greatest name ever!

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